Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Stuff Of Legend


In those wild and heady days of pre-decimalised Britain, Malevolence Toastdiseases became the UK's most infamous hairstylist rustler. With his gang of wild, and Wensleydale cheese-crazed, psycho-badgers, Toastdiseases cut a swathe of terror right across the wide-open prairies of Bilston. It seemed - at that time - that no herd of hairstylists, no matter how seemingly well-protected, was safe from the attentions of Toastdiseases and his gang.

However, his arch-nemesis of that time was the now almost legendary policeman, and putative freelance amateur chiropodist, Constable Reindeer Kerplunk. It was Kerplunk's frantic midnight bicycle ride through the wild lawless streets of Willenhall in hot pursuit of Toastdiseases, the psycho-badgers and a rustled herd of terrified keening and wailing hairstylists that has now - indeed - become the stuff of legend, tall stories, bar-room tales, poems and PhD theses, as well as two very forgettable and - with hindsight - ill-judged Eurovision Song Contest entries.

The final showdown between Toastdiseases and Constable Kerplunk - which was later immortalised as The Battle of Tesco's Car Park in the Hollywood film of that title - is now etched firmly in the consciousness of all British people. It takes its place alongside other such legendary historical events such as the Battle of Britain, The Spanish Armada, the Bradford Kneecap Incident, the World Cup 1966, and that woman who got her baps out on that live TV programme a few years back.

We all know, of course, how it ended on that fateful afternoon in that supermarket car park. It would be pointless to go over it all again here, except to say that there is now a general consensus that justice was - indeed - done that day. Although, the use of wooden spoons and Battenberg cake in such a manner has now been outlawed by United Nations decree, it is widely felt that Toastdiseases got no more than he deserved. From that day onward, it seems, the scourge of large-scale organised hairstylist rustling was at an end throughout the British Isles.

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