The underwear of your preponderancy is evident to all and sundry, especially when you stand so close to the penguin whilst holding that courgette in such a provocative manner. Now, far be it from me to ever call into question the perspicacity of your prose or even the epigrammatic accuracy of your verse, which, whilst strictly not free is reasonably cheap, especially for a reader on a budget.
However, for the reader on a budgie, it is another matter entirely and one over which we must draw a veil, if not paint a curtain. Now I am not one to call into question that validity or otherwise of your mandolin-accompanied observations, expect in wishing to point out that the lady in question was not using the salami in quite the way you allude to, at least not for the entirety of her visit to Ludlow. I have seen the till receipts from the newsagents in question and I think I can speak here from authority.
So, in which case, I can only formally request that you place the bagpipes back in the container provided and take a step back and prepare yourself for a full perusal by the invigilator. I believe I can’t say fairer than that, at least whilst wearing these particular underpants.