Monday, July 19, 2010

Official Perverting Hat

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Approaching a suitably-oiled dairy maid from the bowling end of the perversion pitch, especially under cover of an Official Perverting Hat, is something best left to those deviants of long standing, especially in the cooler weather of the high British summer when it has been known for the drizzle to become almost detectably warmer.

Now, should you be one of those poor unfortunates who has not had any access to an Official Perverting Hat, especially one that has been handed down (or more usually using tongs and some stout rubber gloves) through many a preceding generation with all the due diligence and ceremony such an onerous and richly symbolic a occurrence warrants.

For example, my own Official Perverting Hat was first worn by Perkin Trouseaux Le-Quandreiu in the first post-Norman Conquest village orgy in this locality, set up to reward Brave William the Bastard’s victorious troops for the sterling way they had given the Saxons, in William’s own words ‘a right good kicking’.

The Official Perverting Hat has – ever since - been passed down to generations of Trouser-Quandarys and is worn always – often with little else except a pair of regulation orgying wellies and EU-standard fetish mittens for the annual Little Frigging Late Summer orgy and dinner dance which is held to celebrate the immolation of the first hippie to be seen in Little Frigging as he made his way homeward from some early 1970s music festival.

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