Monday, July 12, 2010

The Seemingly Endless Perversions Of Summer

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Pause awhile – you may put the cucumber down and allow your post mistress to finish knitting her current row, before replacing the lid on the butter dish, if necessary – and consider the lily.

Done that…?

Good.

Now that Lily has got dressed again we can see about some of the more interesting, and – we hope – suitably – moist doings that can be accomplished using only the gently rolling British countryside, a pleasant summer afternoon and a picnic hamper overflowing with all sorts of marital aids, fetish clothing and other such accoutrements necessary for a good solid afternoon’s open-air perverting.

Now, of course, it almost goes without saying that no British summer open-air perversion afternoon is complete without the obligatory cucumber, and the strawberries too are regarded as vital by most connoisseurs. Although, after the last mass debate at the British Society of Perverteers and Allied Deviants annual conference last year, it was formally decided, by a majority vote, that the radish is no longer considered essential, except if a member of your perverting team is from another EU country – obviously.

Fresh cream is not as essential either, although some traditionalists believe that a gentleman should always offer to whip some out for the ladies present if they proffer their baps for the gentleman’s delectation.

For this reason too, a gentleman will always come to attention and offer himself should the lady in question be experiencing some difficult over where to place her pineapple rings (once she has them out of the tin, obviously).

However, the outdoor perverteer should always bear in mind what he or she is baring and always be on the lookout for wasps, ants, and other such creatures – such as the lesser-spotted busybody – that can bring chaos and consternation to even the most modestly organised all-village open-air orgy, picnic and strawberry-picking afternoon.

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