Monday, August 16, 2010

Acquiring The Advanced Field Perversions Badge

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It is – of course – not always easy to replace the top on the tube after one has used it. This is especially true if it is ⅝ths of the way through a village hall orgy and the unguent tube is more slippery than would ideally be the case. It can be made more awkward if one is clutching a recently-oiled cake shop manageress in one hand and trying to balance a portion of sherry trifle on one’s unhindered knee (usually the left, unless one is engaged in an anti-clockwise orgy – say, as is traditional, on the first Tuesday of November orgy.)

Now, normally such things would not need any further elaboration from me, and today is – obviously - no exception.

So then let us now move on to other matters.

I see from the way you have recently polished your wellies and how you stand there in them, wearing nothing else except a small woollen hat, on this rather briskly invigorating morning, that it is time for you to attempt to get your Advanced Field perversions badge. so if you will take a firm grasp on the weasel from the cage to your left and pick up a Weasel Irritating cue from the rack on the wall opposite, we will venture out onto the village green.

Once there you can demonstrate your competence at Weasel Annoyancing to my satisfaction and to the amusement of all the other villages gathered there to witness you making an utter arse of yourself, and – in some cases - to have a utterly frank look at your arse.

After that we will go through the traditional rituals of bribery, blackmail and the offering of sexual favours in return for me awarding you the Advanced Field Perversions badge that is the usual way of resolving these matters to the satisfaction of all and sundry.

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