To make best use of your perversion spanners, it is recommended that you adopt the stance of a structural analyst about to take afternoon tea with a loquacious tea-lady called Noreen, before approaching a suitably oiled and readied assistant librarian from downwind. Now, as a pervert of your long standing will no doubt already be aware, there is little use in buttering your cake shop manageress before you have checked that you need metric or imperial perversion spanners. This is especially important if she is wearing a basque, which makes reaching the lug nuts on the underside of the postmistress, especially if she is in a recumbent position, somewhat problematical, especially if you do not want her to drop a stitch in her knitting.
Now, you should be able to manage to distract the penguins – most likely by making sure there is some live football on the TV - then you can go about getting ready to read out some of the more lascivious passages from the A-Z of Wolverhampton in order to get your assistant librarian in the mood for some full-on perversions involving both tinned anchovies and a yo-yo, especially if she is wearing the bobble hat and fetish mittens in readiness.
The rest – I am sure – I can leave up to you. That is as long as you remember to put the lid back on the jar of mayonnaise once you have finished with it.