Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Hunting And The Law

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It sometimes happens that accordion indifference is not quite enough to remove the accordions from the vicinity of your breeding sheds completely. Sometimes, even, threatening to sell them double-glazing or life insurance is not enough to get them to flee.

So, then, I hear you ask (yes, my hearing is that good) how can I prevent accordions from taking an interest in my hairstylists, since hunting them with heavy artillery and air strikes was outlawed by our namby-pamby anti-rural so-called government back in the darkest days of the Laborg Collective.

In order to discover the best way to prevent the accordions harassing the hairstylist pens, I did do something rather risky, and some would even say foolhardy. I took a copy of the relevant government legislation, outlawing accordion hunting, down to my lawyer sties and - after making sure I carried no loose cash and that my chequebook was in a securely-fastened inner pocket - I showed the legislation to the lawyers, and then hastily withdrew before they could even enquire about my bank balance.

Only seventeen weeks later - which you must admit is pretty swift for a sty full of lawyers - they gave me back an opinion. But just as I was about to back out of the sty they came at me with bared invoices, luckily I had come prepared and managed to distract them long enough to make my escape unharmed by scattering a handful of £10 notes in front of them. While they were scrabbling for these in the mud of the sty, I got out and closed the gate securely behind me. As the howling threats of legal action for non-payment of fees faded into the distance behind me, I walked back up the hill to the hairstylist pens whilst reading the legal opinion.

Apparently, so my herd of lawyers had discovered, although heavy artillery barrages and carpet-bombing of accordions has been made illegal, it is still quite legal to smear accordions with Thick-Cut Orange Marmalade, providing it is not fired from anything not classed as artillery or dropped from any aeroplane.

This, of course, is a massive loophole in the law, as - as you probably well know - the marmalade smearing of accordions is an ages-old rural sport*. So, that is good news, for once!

 

*One day** I may write the definitive history of this ancient and well-loved rural pastime.

**If I remember***.

***And if I can be arsed.

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