There was consternation throughout the entire village of Little Frigging last week when our village policeman, PC Ghonnemadd, was forced to caution Old Feebletrousers for a breach of the peace. Old Feebletrousers was charged with ‘Engaging in an unlawful perversion in the company of a brace of dairymaids whilst nominally in control of his mobility scooter on the Queen’s Highway, in direct contravention of the Naughty Doings on the Highways Act of 1947.’
Of course, by the time the case had come to the magistrates court, Old Feebletrousers and the dairymaids had already eaten the cream cakes which were going to provide the vital part of the prosecution’s evidence, and someone - no-one knows who – had caused the mysterious disappearance of the mallard duck too.
However, several people have noted since that Grand Uncle Stagnant mentioned – in the snug of the Pervert’s Appendage – that he had roast duck for his Sunday lunch last week and the postmistress has several new feathers in her erotic devices cupboard.
Our local magistrate – Lord Mucky-Puffin – also had no choice but to dismiss the entire case when it was revealed that PC Ghonnemadd himself had been discovered with the two defendant dairymaids around the back of the post office last Tuesday. They were, apparently, discovered engaged in an intimate act utilising the PC’s truncheon inserted into a strap-on attachment by one of the dairymaid whilst the other dairymaid, dress as a Police Inspector, was greasing up the good policeman with a economy-sized tub of badger-spleen lubricant in readiness for her associate.
Lord Mucky-Puffin issued a stern warning to the policeman that if he is ever found in such a position again the dairymaids will severally reprimand him – this time with out the benefit of the lubricant - that is unless he invites Lord Mucky-Puffin along too and brings the roller-skates.