Last week, having exploited many of the more lucrative methods of relieving tourists of their money, the Little Frigging Village Council decided to explore other revenue-creating avenues. After an extended session of sensual massage and cream cakes – the council decided on examining the possibility of creating a Little Frigging-themed computer game.
Loosely based on the best selling game Grand Theft Auto – Vice City, Grand Uncle Stagnant – Very Naughty Village will be a free-form action adventure game set in the village of Little Frigging and its environs. The player will play Grand Uncle Stagnant in his quest to get to the village hall in time for the Saturday Evening Orgy.
On his way to the village hall, Grand Uncle Stagnant will have to complete many sub tasks.
For example, starting in the hayloft of his smallholding with his weapon in his hand he must first leave a brace of dairymaids fully satisfied with the dexterity with which he wields his tool and the accuracy of his shooting in order to set the player’s skill level from Virgin to Totally Debauched before he sets off to face the ordeal of the cake shop.
In the cake shop, Grand Uncle Stagnant must admire the baps that each of the cake shop assistants offers him, whilst still providing each of them with copious amounts of fresh cream from his proffered weapon for their delectation and delight, whilst also making sure he samples their apple turnovers and peach melbas until they are completely satisfied and he can then move on to meet the End of Level One Guardian – the Post Mistress.
After a frantic 25 minute Post Office queue experience which only those with the requisite wrist dexterity in the use of their joysticks will survive, Grand Uncle Stagnant comes (several times) face to… er… well, not face with the Upper Thyghspreader All-County Face-Sitting champion, the Little Frigging post mistress, Labia Entanglements herself, as he lies bound to the Post Office counter during Half-Day Closing.
If the player manage to get free from the post office before the Post Mistress takes his last post, he must make his escape across a field full of free-range hairstylists wanting to discuss forthcoming holiday arrangements with him, and then traverse the lawyer sties carrying a bag full of money, without allowing any of the lawyers to extract any fees from him, before getting back to the village library where he will have his volume taken in hand by the librarian and her assistant who will endeavour to give him a fully-catalogued entry into their systems.
Once back out of the library, Grand Uncle Stagnant has a race against Closing-Time to collect pint after pint in the snug of the Pervert’s Appendage, before the landlord throws him out and he has to swim the duck pond, to escape from the clutches of the Folk Singers before they cider him to death.
Finally, at his climax of the game, Grand uncle Stagnant has to fight a duel against the wrathful Strap-On Sisters, both out to pound him into the ground with their fearsome weaponry that both can wield with pinpoint accuracy. Only when he has fully overcome both sisters, leaving them lying fully satiated and incapable of any comeback, can he finally win the game.