Of course, being a Fully-Qualified Member of Her Majesty’s Perversion Inspectorate means that I am often asked to investigate many perverse goings-on in the general vicinity of Little Frigging. Then – if necessary – do all that I can to make sure that they comply with the many EU and UK directives issued by the relevant authorities intended to put as much bureaucratic difficulties in the way of people wishing to go about their own business in their own way as possible.
However, being a proudly-upstanding British pervert of the old school (uniform optional) I believe that people are quite capable of cocking things up on their own without the meddlesome interference of some bureaucratic jobsworth with a multitude of boxes to tick on some purposeless form that will only moulder away deep within the confines of some pointless filing system.
However, be that as it may, last week I was called to investigate the matter of some mysterious vibrations detected in the Experimental Deep Custard Bath Perversions Laboratory at the University of Lower Crotchstaine (formerly the tool shed at the back of the Lower Crotchstaine Antiques Shop).
Of course, any such perturbations of the space-time continuum that can cause ripples in a bath full of custard can cause many problems with any perversion about to utilise other forms of liquid, semi-liquid or colloid. This can be especially problematic if it is a perversion about to be undertaken under strict laboratory conditions, especially if it involves the use of a laboratory coat, a retort and a pair of goggles.
However, on entry into the laboratory I was able to see for myself the ripples in the custard bath, which were playing havoc with the experiment underway at the time. This was an experiment to see just how aroused an assistant librarian can get when immersed naked into a bath full of warm custard with varying numbers of local volunteer firemen firmly ready for action, with their custard ladles at attention, placed at the cardinal points of the compass around the edges of the custard-filled bath. This is – quite obviously - vital research and of great strategic import, especially considering that it is rumoured the Chinese are close to achieving the optimum fireman/ assistant librarian ratio in their similar experiments in The People’s Glorious Experimental Warm Custard Facility in Shanghai.
Luckily, though, it took me only a matter of moments to discover that one of the laboratory assistants was on her tea-break. Apparently, as I discovered she was spending that time, rather than having a cup of tea, a cheese roll and a natter about the poor quality of last night’s TV, lying on her back with her feet up against the Experimental Custard Bath, whilst intimately engaged with her Throbbing Weasel 90000 set on extra-maximum naughtiness speed.
After, of course, taking a few photos of her – for my… er... a-hem… Official Records, I gave her a stern ticking off and received a firm promise from her not to engage in such acts again, not without informing me first anyway, and a promise to see me around the back of the Laboratory bike sheds in her lunch hour for a full dressing down.
Case solved, later that afternoon, I headed back to Little Frigging, proud that I’d done my bit for this great nation of ours, whilst making a mental note that I must remember to give the laboratory assistant her knickers back next time we meet.