Of course, everyone knows the old country saying about whether it is better to have a bird in the hand or your hand on her bush, as well as the one about how hard it is finding a dairymaid in a haystack if you put her down for a moment anywhere within a five-mile radius of Grand Uncle Stagnant. There is also the one about not counting your assistant librarians before they have made a frank appraisal of your volume, and that good old bit of folk wisdom of ‘Many A Mickle Makes A Muckle’ – whatever the fuck that means.
All of which just goes to show that the old country ways are steeped in wisdom (as well as copious amounts of strong ale and cider). Therefore, for the modern world to turn its back upon these centuries of experience in the rude and naughty arts is to, as they say, ‘cut off your peep-hole bra to spite your split-crotch panties’ and other such examples of hard-won folk wisdom.
The modern world does like to think – laughable as it seems to us who know better – that it has invented the art of the perverse itself, little acknowledging the fact that gathering a brace of hot-buttered strumpets a pair of wellies and a grouting trowel can be dated back to the times of the Viking invasions, if not before.
So, modern urban dweller, just think as you ease yourself into you full-body rubber traffic warden’s outfit, people in the rural areas of this land have been dressing up as Traffic wardens for erotic purposes since the days of the Norman Invasion. Consequently, therefore, there really is nothing new under the sun – except, of course, that strange purple outgrowth just below Old Feebletrousers’ knee that has the medical profession of three continents utterly baffled.