Thursday, September 30, 2010

Off The Beaten Track

clip_image002

Now, as Little Frigging lies somewhat off the beaten track* you may think that we do not know as much as sophisticated urbanites about the latest fashionable perversions and deviations. This is where you would be very much mistaken. As it happens the University of Little Frigging (formerly the large cowshed) has just carries out some groundbreaking research which proves conclusively that rural perverts are way ahead of urban and suburban deviates. Significantly, this is in both their willingness to try new ways and methods, and – more importantly – in discovering and inventing new activities, deviations, kinks and perversions – with not all of them as the stereotype has it – involving sheep or the use of mud-encrusted wellies….

Er… hang on, I just remembered I have something very important to do over at the sheep dip… and I think I’ll probably need my wellies too….

So, anyway… er…. See you tomorrow.

*Although for those who enjoy such dalliances there is a small clearing, off the main roadway set aside for activities ranging from a few strikes with a light cane right up to an old oak tree suitable for complete bondage and flogging with various whips and so forth. There is also a small fetish hire booth manned and or/womaned throughout the hours of daylight from late April through to Late September where all the necessary items from handcuffs and gags right up to domestic ungulate restraints and social worker immobilising straps and ropes, can be hired for a small charge, if you have brought none of your own.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

High Visibility Fetish Gear

clip_image002

Now that we have seen the last of the summer days, the weather here in Little Frigging has – as in much of the UK – taken a turn for the better(ish). Consequently, we have scheduled a few more outdoor orgies on the Little Frigging village green for the next few weekends. However, as the nights are drawing in, we have – of course – had to break out some of the high visibility fetish gear, usually only utilised on some of the more challenging field perversion trips undertaken by the Little Frigging Outward Bound Perversion club.

The High-Visibility brightly-luminous kagool is, of course, a very familiar item of fetish gear, common wherever people with a deep interest in outdoor perversions gather. So, of course, most - if not all - attendees at these late summer/early autumn orgies will be wearing one, especially the peep-hole version most suited to erotic activities, with – of course – the optional bondage clasps, integrated nipple-clamps and the excellent tea-making facilities contained within the matching all-perversion-proof rucksack.

Walking boots too are also highly recommended for the damper conditions faced at this time of year, especially for the women who enjoy putting their foot down and the menfolk who like to be underneath them when they do, as the more usual high-heeled fetish boot can often get stuck in the mud and can – therefore – take ages to lick clean… I’m told.

So, then all-in-all it promises to be an excellent late summer/early autumn outdoor orgy scene and I do hope you all come as often as you can.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Etiquette Of Sex Utensil Placement

clip_image002

Nowadays, there is very little opprobrium directed towards those who would consider not placing their sex spatulas towards the rear of their personal sex utensil drawers as so often recommended in the manuals and instruction leaflets.

Of course, those of us well versed in the etiquette of sex utensil placement may consider such behaviour as to be so far beyond the pale that it automatically places its practitioners right outside our own milieu and unlikely to ever be invited to attend even a village hall orgy in Lower Spadgecock*.

 

*And we all know that the denizens of Lower Spadgecock are no better than they ought to be. There have been rumours that some of them have been seen sporting some of the cheapest and tackiest of fetish gear that would make even a Member of Parliament blush at its poor quality and – possibly- to think twice about the advisability of publishing a photograph of themselves sporting it on their constituency website.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Pancakes and Perversions

clip_image002

Of course, no all-village orgy in the Little Frigging village hall is ever complete without a fair number of pancakes being available for all attendees during the half-time break before changing ends. Consequently, most of the ladies of the village have over the years of attending the village orgies have therefore become quite adept at tossing, which of course makes them very popular with the men of the village.

The men often eagerly gather around the ladies once a tossing session has been announced to study the diverse tossing techniques of the various ladies, their wrist action and to offer the ladies any pointers of their own which they think the ladies can make use of during the tossing session.

Those of you who are familiar with pancakes and the tossing of them will no doubt be familiar with the fact that after tossing the ladies, and possibly even the menfolk too, are apt to get rather sticky, especially if there is any overflowing of the gentleman’s topping once the lady has finished tossing for him.

However, most attendees regard this as – at best – a minor inconvenience and often the ladies appreciate a taste of whatever the menfolk can offer them once the tossing has been completed to their mutual satisfaction.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Orgy Dalliance Request Etiquette – A Pointer

clip_image002

Now as you approach your putative first village orgy partner of the evening, it is only polite for the gentleman to show his appreciation of the lady by being both a fully upstanding gentleman and by thrusting himself forward just enough to get her attention. Although, in more polite circles it is regarded as somewhat bad form to offer it to her between two slices of bread as some kind of ‘novelty’ sausage sandwich.

Although, I have heard that some of those soft southerners do like to offer to rest it between the ladies baps if she is already occupied with another attendee when the gentleman comes to call on her. However, the lady should herself bear in mind that it is often regarded as impolite for her to reply to any orgy dalliance request if her mouth is already full.

It should also be remembered that if several of you are about to engage in a more mathematically complex dalliance featuring three or more putative partners, it is considered polite for each attendee to always show their working. It should also be remembered that for anything more geometrically-complex that a threesome it is advisable to use a ruler and a protractor, although the use of a pair of compasses can sometimes be hazardous, especially if no-one there wants to feel a little prick right in the middle of proceedings.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Over-Flanking in an Inter-Village Orgy Match

clip_image002

Of course, pogo-stick based perversions are all well and good, and there are occasions, especially for the more elderly or infirm attendees at an all-village orgy, when a skateboard (with or without the watermelon) can be utilised in an erotic context, providing – of course - that the post mistress is wearing the rubber gloves and the mallard duck is not indisposed.

However, and this is an interesting point (you can study it in depth later, but let me put it back into my bejewelled fetish shorts for the time being), the use of roller skates is not recommended for an outdoor orgy. This is especially true of an Inter-Village Orgy match if the pitch is muddy, as manoeuvring in the tight corners can be severely restricted if the rolling skates get bogged down in the mud, as our own Little Frigging Rear Centre Fondler, Labia Entanglements, discovered to her cost when the Titten Growper forwards rear-ended her without warning, leaving her completely overcome by their flanking manoeuvre.

Of course, by then we were down by a goal, three touch ups and a multiple orgasm with only fifteen minutes of the match left. Someone on the coaching squad recommended bringing up the yo-yos, but I pooh-poohed the yo-yos and suggested that we make use of the Pineapple Inquiry on their forwards. An old trick I know, but whilst their forwards were busy dealing with the pineapples our leading goal scorer Strom Thighhammer was able to go down on the Tittten Growper wicket keeper, then mesmerise her with the dexterity of his manoeuvres in order to bring about the equalising multiple orgasm just as the ref was blowing his final whistle of the match.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Orgies and Innovations

clip_image002

Even in the most mundane of ordinary weekly orgies at the village hall it is incumbent upon the participants therein to at least make some kind of effort to make some kind of innovations to their fetish gear or come up with some kind of new deviation or just a new kink to prevent the event becoming too stale.

I know there are some who believe that the more straightforward the dalliance, the more ‘authentic’ it is. Nevertheless, I believe this shows a very naïve view of humanity. From the archaeological record it seems that even the earliest of our proto-human ancestors was apt to notice that various items around them - both naturally-formed and man-made - had certain characteristics which made them useful for helping make those slow evenings around the camp fire pass in more interesting ways. This was even before the times when there was anything recognisable as a postmistress or assistant librarian as a putative dalliance partner, and extra-virgin badger spleen oil for use as an unguent or lubricant was virtually unknown.

Many of course, date the inception of human perversity from the first use of the sherry trifle in an erotic context by the Ancient Greeks. However, as alluded to above, recent archaeological research has now firmly pooh-poohed this notion, especially since the discovery of an almost complete Bronze Age fireman’s outfit – obviously meant for fetishistic purposes was discovered in a excavation pit near Little Frigging itself.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Helping Hand or Two

clip_image002

Occasionally your dairymaids may not be able to bring themselves back to themselves, especially after a mid-morning dalliance in the hayloft with Grand Uncle Stagnant, even more so if he can manage to get his wellies off beforehand.

Of course, as every fully experienced rural dweller will tell you all it needs is to apply a raspberry jelly - or if it is too early in the spring, a lime–flavoured one may be substituted – to the inner thighs of the dairymaids. This is all that is required to have them up and eager to handle whatever you thrust in front of them with that impressive dexterity and manual strength that makes dairymaids so popular wherever rural males gather when in need of a helping hand or two.

However, a word of warning, it is never advisable to attempt the same trick with an assistant librarian, as fruit flavoured jelly applied to the inner thighs is apt to make a librarian look at one somewhat askance. This is especially true when you slap down your volume for her perusal and she discovers that it is well overdue, thus preventing you from taking it out again until she is fully satisfied that your withdrawal will not be too premature.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Season of Mellow Orgies and Perversions

clip_image002

Now that autumn is upon us, it seems that the weather will be turning against having the open-air village orgies out on the village green in the evenings. It is therefore time to turn over a new leaf, especially when certain ladies of the village incorporate leaves into their costumes for the Annual Little Frigging Village Hall Fancy Undress Autumn Orgy.

Costumes made of leaves have always proved popular at this event, including the time that our local blacksmith Strom Thighhammer had to use the gigantic leaf from the vicar’s prize rhubarb in order to cover all eventualities. Even then after several of the village ladies had taken it upon themselves to check that the stalk had been removed from the leaf, often in quite an interesting and interrogative manner. This soon gathered a large and appreciative audience, while the ladies themselves confessed that they themselves were very appreciative of Strom’s largesse.

Of course, there is often much more to these events than even Strom’s rather substantial contribution. After all the year’s crop of cider apples need to be pressed and, involving all the denizens of the village and a large barrel of apples is a sure way to get past those awkward introductory moments of the first orgy of a new season. Although, by the end of it the apples are more than well pressed and a bumper cider production year is almost guaranteed.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Great Fire Of Little Frigging

clip_image002

One of the most significant moments in the history of Little Frigging in the Wold, is – of course – The Great Fire of Little Frigging. Even today, some 350 years or so after the event it is still much debated when the denizens of the village are gathered together in The Pervert’s Appendage, and we have run out of more interesting things to talk about.

Of course, it helps that the eyes of one casting about the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage for a conversational gambit cannot help, if their eyes are still able to focus correctly at that point in the evening’s libations, to notice the display case on the far wall. There, proudly displayed is the actual 17th century beer mat that is the sole surviving artefact of that conflagration still known as the Great Fire of Little Frigging.

The story of that never to be forgotten evening, began just as the evening’s dusk was starting to spread and the hairstylist herders were calling in at the village inn in order to slake their thirsts before heading homeward. As you should already know hairstylist farming was still in its infancy in those days, and so there was often a great deal of discussion between the various herdsmen and breeders about how best to look after these – at the time – poorly-understood creatures. Such was the amount of discussion that took place at the Inn that several of the herdsmen usually had to be carried home by their fellows when the Inn inevitably ran out of beer that evening.

Apparently, one of the herders still almost able to stand after one of these discussion, thought that a midnight snack would be a good idea, so he set about cooking whatever he could find in the cupboard – all in the same frying pan. However, such was his sheer exhaustion from the intense debating earlier that evening, he soon fell asleep and one of the socks he had – in his ‘exhausted’ state mistaken for a rasher of bacon fell from the pan onto the rush matting.

In a matter of moments the whole village was aflame with women, children and some of the more comely ewes fleeing hither and yon from the cottages in panic. Fortunately, though, several of the herders were still awake and – according to the Little Frigging Chronicle of the time – were ‘still replete with the significant amounts of ale they had supped that evening. So forming themselves into a row, lifting their smocks and pulling down their breeches’ they extinguished the fire in record time.

Afterwards, the village council did think about asking the renowned architect Steve Burps to redesign and rebuild the entire village, especially the vital pub. But – in the end – no-one could be arsed to bother.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

About The Use of the Cabbage

clip_image002

Of course, use of any underarm techniques on the orgy pitch – even amongst fully-consenting dairymaids – is often pooh-poohed by the cognoscenti as being in poor form, especially when the custard is introduced from the pavilion end just in time to immerse the assistant librarian before the banana is peeled.

Now, those of you familiar with the way that an inter-village orgy develops in the closing minutes of a tight match; or even those of you who have engaged in in-depth study of the photographs or videos of such a match will – in all probability – be wondering about the use of the cabbage. This is often the case, especially if the postmistress has been caught by the rear fondlers in an offside trap, just as she was about to apply the raspberry jelly to the inner thighs of the wicketkeeper.

However, to those of us more used to the casual and informal nature of the village hall orgy, such technical breaches of what is sometimes regarded as the spirit of the game are not to be taken too seriously. That is of course, unless it is the opposing team that are engaging in such underhand tactics, in which case they should be booted out of the cup and the league forthwith without having any recourse to an appeal.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Puritans and Perversions – A Warning from History

clip_image002

Of course there have been times during the rather excessive periods of history in Britain’s glorious past when all that is great and noble in rural perversions has been – to say the least – looked upon somewhat askance by the more censorious regimes that it has been this country’s misfortune to suffer.

As every learning-enabled junior citizenship unit is – no doubt – aware, the period immediately after the English Civil war was a period when all forms of dalliance – perverse or not – was frowned upon by the puritans who took charge of the country during those dark and sad days. Puritans – as we know – eke out what joy they can from their sad constrained lives by making sure that everyone else is having as little fun as is possible, preferably whilst wearing very uncomfortable and extremely itchy underwear whilst doing so.

Under the puritans, even such benign pastimes as Pass the Watermelon, Mixed Consensual Sprout Fondling and Late Night Ewe Appreciation were banned as well as more salacious activities such as maypole dancing (much to the chagrin of Mr May who looked forward to having several of the village’s most comely maidens cavorting themselves in a wanton manner around his proudly-erect pole.

However, such is the sheer bloody-mindedness of the British populace, such interference in the doings of the population, especially when they were doing each other was soon brought to a halt, by the speedy restitution of the monarch Charlie Two, who took it upon himself to bring about the ending of the puritan era though his deft handling of Nell Gwynne’s oranges.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Auditing Your Vegetable Rack

clip_image002

Now, it just so happens that the goats that covet exclusive use of all our sunbeds have laughed once too often at the underside of my second-best badger-irking cue. Now this is not the sort of thing one expects, not even near Droitwich or Luton, and, as for the people who live there… well, do I have to mention the state of their envelopes, or not?

But still, still but.

The cheese is here!

I have seen the state of your bananas and therefore I need no longer wear the cardboard trousers when shopping for tinned pilchards, not any more, not now the nurse know where to apply the ointment*.

However, from the way you have adopted the stance of someone about to fill in a government census form using a wax crayon and the cast list from an early episode of Crossroads, I’m sure I don’t need to audit your vegetable rack, not until next Thursday anyway.

Therefore, I’ll bid you good day.

 

*Just outside Macclesfield

Friday, September 3, 2010

Muffs 2010

clip_image002

As you are no doubt well aware, it is less than a fortnight to Muffs 2010 - THE show for displaying Show Hairstylists, Lawyer Trials, and, of course, to compete for Best of Breed Feral Folk Singers. Consequently, I will have to announce another hiatus, and admit that I am going to have to have my organ on hold while we get on with the preparations for the show.

Although, we last won Muff's Hairstylist of the Year back in 2008, this year we are quietly confident that our current Best of Breed contender - Britney Braindead of Mellonfronts IV - is in with a very good chance of getting at least one award.

However, there is always the possibility of a pause long enough from hairstylist grooming, lawyer obedience lessons or folk singer beard maintenance long enough to enable me to keep you updated of our progress.

So, anyway, then, keep your eye on my organ in case of any developments or spontaneous ejaculations and I hope to see you soon.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Causing Undue Distress To A Nearby Geography Teacher

clip_image002

Now as we make our way towards the smaller of the two Social Norms and his warmly-proffered appendage, I would suggest you take a firm grasp on his wherewithal, before letting go of the appendage in question, as it can make the goat somewhat frisky and Little Norm is well known throughout the locality for his nervousness around overly-stimulated ruminants, ever since that incident down at the Lower Crotchstaine Shepherd’s Bring-A–Sheep party, involving the chicken vol-au-vent, a stick of celery and the overly-firm grasp of the village church’s head bell-ringer, which resulted in Little Norm walking with a limp for the next three days, whilst being followed everywhere by a enthusiastically-masticating ewe with a wicked glint in her eye.

Now, as you know, the jelly is not quite set yet, so if you could leave the librarian to come up to temperature as we wait for the custard to approach the correct consistency. Then we can see about applying it to the inner thighs of any eager headmistress in the near vicinity of our tandem, without causing undue distress to any nearby geography teacher.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Cost Accountant Hopscotch Eve

Now don't you think that it is about time for us to take the wombat back to the shop, Maureen? I know I said I wanted it use it in the preparation for the Cost Accountant Hopscotch Eve decorations. But the wheel has fallen off and - consequently - the attachment can no longer be utilised in the manner so inadequately described on pages 9 - 2078 of the manual, in what appears to be some undiscovered new dialect of a language that bears only a superficial relationship to the English language that we know and love so well.

clip_image002

Yes, I do know that your mother is, indeed, due to arrive in a few days, my little chainsaw. I already have the bonfire prepared. This year there will be no need to waste time constructing an effigy.

I know it may seem unnecessarily harsh, or even cruel (although, there is very strong scientific evidence that Mothers in Law do not feel pain in the same way that we humans do), but it is essential for us, and… well… for her too. I'm sure that if she ever did stop complaining about the world in general and us in particular long enough she would - eventually - realise that she is putting us through so much unnecessary and unwelcome pain.

So, in the long run, it is probably the kindest thing we can do for her, and for us too. We must not let our natural sympathy for her plight blind us to the full extent of the legacy that she will leave for us… I mean… you. We owe it to her to use that money, and to use it to buy all those luxuries that she always denied herself.

See, you do agree, don't you? It is the kindest thing.