Friday, February 11, 2011

The Tactical Use of Salad on the Perversion Pitch


The use of celery in an exotic context is no doubt familiar to anyone (or even both of you) who peruses my organ in any great detail, as celery has been a staple of rural perversions since before the days – and some of the nights – of the Vikings, if not before. Of course, the celery should always be introduced underarm, usually from the home end of the perversion pitch, especially during the Ladies Excuse Me, and – obviously – while someone keeps a firm grip on the donkey, at least until the match official has ruled the lettuce out of play. However, caution should be exercised in the use of the celery if it seems that the opposition’s central rear fondlers may be considering using their radishes, or if there is some chance of the cucumbers been pushed in from the rear through a clever flanking manoeuvre through the midfield.

The use of salad oil is much recommended, especially if the cucumbers are to be introduced un-sliced before the tomatoes have been bowled by the central pitcher out near the silly bell end position by the fielding team.

As I said at the beginning, I’m sure you will find all this obvious enough, but I would like to leave you thinking about the lettuce. So, I will.

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