Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Full Blooming of Grand Uncle Stagnant


Once the warmer drizzle signals to one and all that spring is indeed going to bother turning up this year, and the snow drops and daffodils begin to appear, we, in Little Frigging, know that it will not be long before the full blooming of Grand Uncle Stagnant.

Those that have witnessed Grand Uncle Stagnant in all his glory cannot easily dismiss the phenomenon from their minds, no matter how long they spend in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage, or how much of the landlord’s special they imbibe.

Of course, as with any still-upstanding gentleman of his advanced years, it is important that Grand Uncle Stagnant is well cared-for. Fortunately, we in Little Frigging have a brace of dairymaids well acquainted with the foibles of this particular man. In fact, Grand Uncle Stagnant makes a point of showing his foibles (and his point, for that matter) to every lady in the village, as well as most of the sheep and those forms of wildlife not well-practiced in running away.

Therefore as the March drizzle begins to give way to the (slightly-)warmer April drizzle, we in the village know that it is time to give the older denizens of the village such as Grand Uncle Stagnant, Old Feebletrousers and the Teeb Hags their annual protective coat of creosote. This will be in readiness for the deprecations of the summer months, when they will be disrobing and disporting themselves all over the English countryside in all their (now somewhat faded) glory.

So, if you are thinking of taking a stroll out in the wonderful English countryside in the coming months, just be careful you do not come across any of them; otherwise, you may live to regret it.

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