Now, it is not often appreciated by those new to the village hall orgy that it has a long and distinguished history, going far back beyond even the days – and most of the nights – of the Viking invasions. In fact, as most scholars of the period now agree the real reason King Alfred burnt the cakes was that he was demonstrating other uses for his candle clock to a brace of fascinated dairymaids. Consequently, he forgot all about the cook who had left her buns warming for his delectation until her screams of distress roused him form his preoccupation with the dairymaids.
Certain other scholars also credit Alfred with the invention of the postmistress, but this is disputed by many other - often more sober - scholars. However, it is true that he did develop many of the swamp-based perversions which were later, through the swamp-based natural habitat of the wild lawyer to develop the English legal system. Of course, this also explains why lawyers still like to don elaborate fetish gear such as wigs and gowns when going about their rather peculiar breeding rituals.
All in all then, it can be of great benefit to any scholar of the perverted arts and sciences to take a greater interest in the history of this fascinating subject, especially some of the more… er… educational woodcuts and tapestries of the period, especially the one featuring the brace of dairymaids, the woodcutter and the scrivener.