Monday, June 6, 2011

The Europerversion Orgy Contest

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Since the heyday of that great Europe-wide cultural achievement that was It’s a Knockout (or Jeux Sans Frontières as it was called in foreign), there has been a dearth of inter-European competition on the TV screens of Europe, apart of course from the Eurovision Song Contest, which doesn’t really count except as a way to scare non-Europeans.

However, eager to find something that will somehow make the peoples of Europe despise them less, the EU has decided – probably in a post long-lunch stupor – that a Europe-wide televised Inter-Village orgy season is the way to go.

Of course, the Inter-Village Cup winners Championship League Cup Winners Cup Cup, has had a long – and often quite moist - history. However, the EU parliament has decided that this is not quite enough and they want to create a new from of bureaucratic nightmare out of which a new EU-wide Inter Village perversion league and cup will emerge.

Of course, the most obvious problem here is making sure that the various perversion standards of each country entering the competition are compatible. This is especially true of the UK, Ireland and certain parts of Portugal* which still use Imperial perversions, as opposed to the metric-based perversions of other countries such as France and Germany. Other incompatibilities are the long French lunch break and the use of the baguette, and the German insistence on lederhosen-based perversions. There is also the problem of just how to incorporate Danish meatballs and Italian spaghetti into a fully-consensual village orgy situation, especially if the Belgians insist on the free use of the mayonnaise.

However, EU bureaucrats are sure that –given sufficient long lunches and more than generous expense accounts – they should have a draft outline of a feasibility study into the possibility of whether to go ahead or not in due course, should be ready by the end of this century… possibly.

 

*A curious artefact of the Peninsula war when English troops under Arthur Wellesley (later the Duke of Wellington) helped bring about the introduction of English perversions to the rural areas of Portugal.

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