Tuesday, June 14, 2011

University Fees and the Perverse Arts and Sciences


There has been much talk of late* about University course fees and who should pay them and how much they should be. Obviously, we at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the Cow shed at Little Frigging manor Farm) are more than keen that the students should pay as much as we can get out of them… er… the full and fair cost of their course.

As a frequent peruser of my organ, and no doubt as an enthusiastic perverteer yourself, you will know that, for example, the cost of a pair of fully bespoke sex spatulas is not cheap. Consequently, full instruction by a (nearly) qualified instructor in the perverse arts is not going to be cheap either, not to mention the costs of fresh watermelons these days, and the vet’s bill for the poor now-seemingly terminally-bewildered university goat.

As for the practical laboratory-based instruction in some of the more advanced perverse arts, such as approaching a manacled assistant librarian with a plate of fresh cream cakes without the contents of your cream horn dripping uselessly down inside your wellies, the cost of the mop and bucket alone can sometimes be as much as a fiver! It also seems that some students resent paying for their own banjo too, and expect the University to provide them.

Some students even seem to think that the theoretical underpinnings of how to approach a brace of dairymaids at an all-village orgy whilst holding a kipper using the fetish mittens in the ‘ready’ position is something that can be taught on the cheap. Even some of the staff of the university would argue, especially after a few pints in the staff common room, that such a thing cannot be taught at all. Although, most of them have the good grace – and sense – to keep such talk out of the university budget meetings.


*As well as some self-indulgently short-sighted and stroppy behaviour by those who would wish for others, often less fortunate than themselves, to pay for their university courses instead.

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