Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Breeding Accountants


The weather, then, eh? How about that, interesting or what? I've been sweating like a sheep in a mint field, and seriously considering the advantages of Norway. Fjords, eh? That Slartibartfast, eh? What a good idea.

Anyway, be that as it may, I can't stand around here nattering all day, not when I need to clean the expired litigation out of the lawyer sties*. I also need to lay down a new batch of holiday brochures for the hairstylists to use for nesting materials, sometime today too.

Yes, a busy day. So, I may as well get on with it. Sometime today I also want to look into maybe getting myself a few breeding pairs of accountants (fully chartered, of course) for the lower field. It has been a fair few years now since that disastrous occasion when a pride of wild accordions got through the lower field fence and brutally savaged our flock of quantity surveyors that were only a week or two away from going to market.

Of course, as someone with your experience will know, accountants are not easy to work. All that double-entry bookkeeping can play havoc with their inherently weak wrists, and they are notoriously shy about breeding. But the rewards, and the return on the initial investment, can be quite significant, especially if you get the accountants to keep their own books.


*If I don't do it now, it will be several metric inches deep by the end of the week.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Taking Strom Thighhammer's Hose in Hand


I may have mentioned before that on the one hot day of the English summer it is customary for Strom Thighhammer, our village volunteer fireman, to get his hose out in case any ladies of the village get overcome in the heat. Of course, if any of the ladies do find themselves out and about during that one hot day of the typical English summer and they espy Strom Thighhammer striding in their direction with his hose out and ready in his hand, then those ladies who feel hot will often take the precaution of lying down wherever they find themselves. Then Strom can use his hose on the ladies, even though they are not yet quite overcome.

Strom will always, of course, do his best to assuage any lady who feels herself hot and ready to be overcome, but it has been known for Strom himself to wilt in the heat and for his hose to dry up, especially if he has been in great demand by the ladies of the village.

If such a – thankfully, very rare - situation does occur, then the rest of us in he village volunteer fire service are ready to be pressed into service at a moment’s notice and are more than willing to get our own hoses out to help dampen down any ladies who find themselves feeling hot and ready for a damn good hosing.

Therefore if you happen to visit Little Frigging on the hot day of summer, please do not be too concerned to see the ladies of the village leading the volunteer fire service off into the bushes for a thorough damping down.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Night Out On The Town


Well, here we go… possibly.

It has – I realise now – been a very long time since we last discussed essential sex-weasel grommet adjustment. Consequently, I think it could be an even longer time still before we discuss them again.

I see from the way you have adopted the stance of an over-loquacious Local Government Tadpole Outreach Coordinator, that you may be wishing to tap my rather – if I d say so myself – rather extensive knowledge of the mating habits of hairstylists during the mating period known colloquially as ‘A Night Out On The Town’.

However, I feel there is little more of a theoretical nature I can add to what I have already given you in various articles published here. I’m afraid you are just going to have to gird you loins and prepare yourself for a practical lesson.

Of course, not for one moment do I expect you to partake of the copious quantities of alcohol consumed by the average hairstylist during this ritual – you are after all - if I remember my biology correctly – only human.

You will, though, need to take just enough alcohol to insulate you remaining brain cells against the overwhelming inanity of the hairstylists’ conversations as the evening progresses. Once they have exhausted the perennial hairstylist topic of holidays – taken, about to be taken, putative destinations and so on, then I’m afraid there is a strong chance that the conversation will either turn to the goings on in current TV programmes of which you will only be dimly aware. The only other topic of conversation will most likely be antics of alleged ‘celebrities’ about whom you will be probably even less knowledgeable.




I see.

Well, if you do – as you say – suddenly remember you are busy on that night then we will have no choice but to leave the matter of our little excursion in abeyance until some other time.

Ah, well.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Pros and Cons of Pogo-stick Use at Village Orgies


Although it is always useful to equip yourself with a pogo-stick, especially at the more well-attended village orgies when it can sometimes be difficult to get close enough to the next dalliance partner on your orgy card, or even get to the buffet table before the mince pies have all gone. It is also sometimes something of an inconvenience to carry.

Many gentlemen, including both of you reading this, will no-doubt attest that it is sometimes very difficult manoeuvring through a rather crowded village hall orgy with your stick poking out in front of you, and can be most uncomfortable if other attendees are not careful with their errant elbows, or are carelessly disporting their cocktail sticks, especially if their are – for reasons of vanity – not wearing their glasses and are in a hurry to sample the cocktail sausages.

Ladies, too, sometimes find the pogo-stick to be more trouble than it is worth at well-attended village orgies to, especially if they are well-blessed with a well-upholstered frontage, as this can cause all manner of difficulties, from black eyes for the over-enthusiastic utiliser of the pogo-stick herself, to spilled drinks, flattened chocolate ├ęclairs, and severe wrist injuries to any gentlemen who are forced to take themselves in hand when witnessing the effects of prolonged bouncing up and down by a well-endowed lady.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Edification for the Neophyte Perverteer


Of course, when approaching a village hall orgy for the first time, a neophyte perverteer is bound (if they are that way inclined they should remember to bring their own rope) to feel a bit apprehensive, especially if they have spent the previous few hours attempting to feel themselves in readiness for the big day.

Obviously, it does make sense to make sure that your sex spatulas are cleaned and polished, for it does make a good impression to regular orgy-goers when they see a newcomer has made sure their sex utensils are well-cared for. There is nothing likely to put off a well-seasoned (I prefer a light vinaigrette oil and a hint of black pepper myself) perverteer than espying a pair of grubby sex spatulas poking out from a newcomer's sex utensil rucksack. Should you wish to take your own, rather than use those provided at the village hall, it also makes sense to make sure the spring in your sex pogo-stick is well-oiled too as there is nothing quite so off-putting to regular orgy-goers as the amateurish sound of squeaking springs, which will - quite often – put even the most experienced orgy attendee off his or her stroke, often in the crucial moments before the cucumber sandwiches are ready to be served, thus often leading to an unseemly rush towards the pork pies.

It also helps to be patient when in the queue to get your orgy card marked by the more popular regular orgiastic attendees, prodding, say, a cake shop assistant in the back in your eagerness to get your card marked can sometimes result in all manner of unforeseen mishaps, and it is never very edifying to have to spend a large part of one's first village orgy having to make amends with the mop and bucket.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Indispensable Rural Perversion Tips


Well, obviously when thinking about such rural village-specific perversions as Well Undressing it always helps if you make sure your bucket is within easy reach, especially if your post mistress has been pre-oiled in readiness. This is vital if there is any chance of an unexplained outbreak of Morris dancing, even though this is not as common as it was during the Heyday of British Leyland, of course, especially considering the terpsichorean limitations of the Morris Marina.

Speaking of commons, it should be obvious that the picnic table should always be left in the state you found it, as the country code insists, and you should make sure that you have not left a fully-disrobed and satiated assistant librarian asleep upon it, or – in the case of grand Uncle Stagnant – asleep under it.

You should also – in a rural village perversion context – make sure that you are fully cognisant of the half-day closing times of the village shops as it is always disappointing and deflating to find yourself – say – outside the village cake shop with your cream horn wilting in your hand only to discover the cake shop manageress has put her baps away and shut up shop for the afternoon.

Furthermore, any lady who has requested the assistance of a shepherd to get her pie filled will know that it is vital to give him his crook back after he has serviced her, as well as to make sure that she is able to withdraw her legs from down the front of his wellies in plenty of time for him to recover before he goes off to meet his favourite ewe.