Wednesday, October 5, 2011

On the Magnetism of Dairymaids


Obviously, realigning your dairymaids to face true North is not always the most obvious course of action when you find yourself without the firmness of purpose those dairymaids have come to expect during the weekly Freestyle Orgy and Bingo Night in the village hall on Wednesday Evenings.

Obviously, never having suffered such a problem with my own predicament myself, all I can offer you is this advice proffered by a... er... friend. It did work for me... er... him, and so, consequently, I hope that any other gentleman of formerly good standing finds these wise words more than useful and has him soon back to standing proud again, much to the admiration of the ladies present at his own local weekly village hall orgy and bingo night.

It has often been remarked on by scholars of the perverse arts and sciences as to just why dairymaids are so susceptible to magnetic influences. Many have put this down to the fact that in days of yore a dairymaid was seldom seen with a metal bucket, even when she was seen wearing little, or – more often - nothing else.

Others have speculated upon the nature of the dairymaid's iron grip and how she can use this to bring any gentleman acquaintance to the peak of his ability with a few deft and practised strokes. Furthermore, she will - with a few more dexterous movements of her wrist – be able to get the gentleman to point in the direction that will bring herself the most satisfaction and this is, of course, invariably true north.

So, if any gentleman reading this finds that he has some problem with standing proud whenever the occasion demands it, then I would respectfully suggest he immediately puts himself in the hands of his nearest local dairymaid, and he will soon find himself once more a gentleman of good standing.

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