Friday, October 14, 2011

Ready at the Crease


Of course, when in the presence of a brace of dairymaids in a state of near undress you will not – I'm sure – be too concerned about the integrity of your Brussels sprouts, providing you, of course, remember that they should be bowled underarm if the village orgy is taking place indoors.

This, of course, assumes that you have arranged the fielders into the necessary positions and that the dairymaid who is batting has her dildo ready at the crease as you begin your run-up.

Experts are often in conflict about whether or not the Brussels sprouts should be cooked before the innings begins or whether the raw sprout is much better, if only for its aerodynamic properties. It will be up to the umpires to agree amongst themselves on the suitability of the sprouts – whether cooked or raw – and whether they can stand up to the deprecations of the full innings without losing their integrity.

There are those gentlemen bowlers who like to give their sprouts a coating of oil, or even a light vinaigrette dressing before they come out to bowl at the start of the village orgy innings, others claim that it makes their sprouts difficult to get a good grip on the sprouts, and that such an eventuality gives undue advantage to the dairymaids, who – in most cases – prefer to maintain a firm grip, as we all know only too well. Especially those of us who have attempted to get to the tea break sandwiches without first disengaging the grip of the dairymaid, something that can often bring a tear to the eye of the most upstanding of gentlemen.

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