It is likely that you – like me – were taken aback by some of the allegations printed in the sports pages of some of the specialist Gentleman's Interest magazines, and on some of the more sexually relaxed sports-related websites concerning illicit practices in Inter-Village Orgy League matches.
Most of these allegations seem to feature unnamed players from unnamed teams talking – for the first time – frankly about the illicit use of certain performance-enhancing substances in Inter-Village Orgy league and cup matches.
It is especially worrying to hear allegations that some players may have been en-smearing themselves with 3-fruit marmalade in order to gain unfair advantage over opposing players, and to enhance their prowess over opposing teams, for whom the very thought of entering a competitive orgy en-smeared with marmalade is an anathema, and contrary to all decent sporting instincts.
However, such is the danger of marmalade endangering what could already be an over-startled chicken during the tense closing half-hour of an inter-village competitive orgy, that all-comers to a village orgy have to undergo mandatory marmalade testing in the undressing room before the beginning of the start of the commencement of the match.
Therefore, any such tales of smuggled marmalade – as well as the illicit use of toast-making equipment in the undressing room can be treated with some amount (I suggest a tablespoon) of scepticism. It would come as no surprise (especially to the otherwise easily-startled chicken) that this is yet another tabloid-inspired moral panic that will soon be forgotten about as the Inter-Village Orgy League enters its final stages over the coming months.