Thursday, December 1, 2011

Pervertner’s Guide to the Rural Rude and Naughty

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‘It is not easy, finding a way through the undergrowth, sometimes, but then if you have a firm enough grasp on your probing tool a way can usually be found to gain entrance to the more enchanting and secluded groves on our rural byways.’ Such was the opening sentence of Pervertner’s Guide to the Rural Rude and Naughty of England, which was – as time went on – to become the essential guide to Britain’s most perverse rural areas at the beginning of this century.

Pervertner’s as it has become known is indispensable to anyone who sets out on a walking tour of Britain’s more perverse rural villages and hamlets, as well as being quite a good guide to the UK’s naughtiest towns, cities and suburban areas. Pervernter himself devoted his life from the publication of this first volume of his guide to exploring as much of the rural UK as he could, as well as sampling as much of the UK’s famed taste for rural naughtiness as he could. Not only that, he developed the UK’s first rating system for the ranking the naughtiness of the UK’s dairymaids, cake shop manageresses and postmistresses in a way that has never been bettered.

Not even the EU’s brand-new Europe-Wide perversion scale – the Wankometrique. Unfortunately, this is - of course - in metric and, as such, consequently plays down the naughtiness level of England’s assistant librarians can really compare to the Pervertner scale. The Pervertner scale can also be used to measure – with often quite startling accuracy - the hotness of meat pies, the breeding seasons of sheep and cows, the gripping strength of dairymaids and even small local earthquakes.

All-in-all then Pervertner’s Guide’ is an invaluable aid to everyone with an interest in the perverse arts and sciences and should therefore make an ideal gift for the deviant in your life, or for an interested neophyte.

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