Monday, February 28, 2011

Perversions and the Use of the Library

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Even when you can get your hands on an assistant librarian, or two, it is not obligatory for them to stamp your ticket even if you are mutually ensconced behind the reference section engaged in some in-depth research into what stimulates the appetites of the aforesaid assistant librarian, or two.

Now, for anyone feeling the desire to peruse a Trollope behind the stacks, it just so happens that the Little Frigging village library is an excellent place for such an undertaking. Not only that it is the ideal resource centre for anyone wishing to research any aspect of the perverted arts, with the assistant librarians more than willing to help you search through their archives for any theoretical perversion enquiry. In addition, if their time allows, they are often willing to assist any lady or gentleman with any practical understanding of the perversion in question, especially if it involves fingering their tomes or leafing through their journals.

Furthermore, the use of stepladders in an erotic context is well-known and needs no further elaboration here. That is, except to remind patrons of the Little Frigging library that the librarians are always willing to use the aforementioned step ladders to reach those top shelf volumes that are always of a particular interest to those with a deep interest in the perverted arts and sciences. All that you have to do is remember to offer some form of oral gratitude to the librarian as she mounts the steps taking her above your head height. Always remembering, however, to check that she has a good balance and a firm grip of the ladder or library shelves in case she gets too overcome by your oral ministrations of gratitude for her assistance.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Dairymaids and Mutual Satisfaction

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Of course, any gentleman of good standing who places himself in the hands of a dairymaid – or two – knows that he is in for a very gripping experience indeed. For such is the manual dexterity of those particular ladies that a gentleman will – no doubt – soon find himself overcome with gratitude for those experienced hands and the comfort they bring to him in his hour of need.

However, one should not just assume that the dairymaids have only the interests of the village menfolk at heart. For such is the rigours of the dairymaid’s calling that they have to get up in what to most of us is the middle of the night to deal with the necessities of the dairy herd. Therefore, many of the dairymaids become – through force of circumstance – just as adept at giving each other assistance whenever one of their number needs a warm helping hand of comfort in the dark and cold of the rural night time.

Now, someone had the… er… foresight to give Grand Uncle Stagnant a video camera last Christmas, and he has always had a keen interest – as regular perusers of my organ will attest – in the health and welfare of the village dairymaids. In fact, he has often put himself out in order to assist the dairymaids become more adept at the manual dexterity essential for their calling. Therefore it has come as no surprise to the rest of us in the village that Grand Uncle Stagnant has made a video diary cum documentary about the dairymaids. In particular, how they often share each other’s beds in the cold watches of the night in order to give each other a helping hand along with plenty of oral encouragement to each other in order to bring one another to a more easeful night’s rest.

Therefore I am sure that many of my faithful readers – both of you – would be more than interested in viewing this masterpiece of the video art, so sometime soon this blog will be offering each (both) of you a chance to own this cinematic masterpiece of the in-depth documentary art on DVD.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Vegetables in a Village-Orgy Context

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Now you may be considering approaching an assistant librarian at your next village hall orgy with perhaps only a parsnip in your hand. Now, those of us who have had extensive experience of vegetable-based perversions would consider this a little too advanced for the neophyte, especially when there is no broccoli within easy reach.

For those new to vegetable-based perversions in a village orgy context, I would humbly suggest that the leek au gratin is a good starting point, especially with an assistant librarian, or brace of dairymaids, as your putative dalliance partner, or partners. Once you feel you are use to that, then I would suggest moving on to maybe a cauliflower cheese undertaking, but always remember to warm the spoon first. Furthermore, do not attempt this deviation with any lady with equestrian leanings, as the saddle is liable to slip on the cheese sauce, and an errant spur in the withers can be off-putting at the best of times.

Once you feel yourself familiar with that, especially the sometimes tricky double-reverse with the serving spoon, then it is time to move on to perhaps the parsnip, or even the swede*, providing – of course – that you can interest a post mistress in your spring cabbage.

 

*Here, of course, we refer to the vegetable (as illustrated), not the person of North European descent. However, some of the ladies of the village have reported some successful dalliances with Swedish plumbers, but that is beyond the scope of this article.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Over-Fondling and the EU

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The EU Perversions Directorate is – it seems – becoming increasingly concerned about the danger of over-fondling in a village hall orgy context. This is despite there being no recorded cases of anyone suffering from over-fondling in the UK whatsoever. Throughout the EU itself, there is only one recorded case of a French assistant librarian complaining of being over-fondled, and that during her lunch break. She complained that the consequent damage to her pastries caused by a French gentleman being somewhat incautious about the placement of his baguette when trying to stand erect for the playing of the French National Anthem, which is played to announce the end of the statutory 7 hour French lunch break.

Of course, there is always the danger in a village hall orgy context of being over-fondled, especially by, say, a brace of dairymaids who can – if called upon – exert quite a grip. Something that has bought tears to the eyes of many a many who has failed to measure up to the exacting standards expected by well-seasoned dairymaid. That, however, id not something we feel that the EU should be poking their bureaucratic noses into, even if it is for the best of motives. We – in the rural orgy community - feel that if anyone is going to poke anything into the doings of our dairymaids it is going to be us, and us alone.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Relishes and Perversions

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Now, you are no doubt very familiar with how to make full use of the steak and kidney pie in an erotic context, and even very familiar with the use of the curry pattie in a village hall orgy context. In which case, I’m sure there is not much you need to know about how to integrate the double cheeseburger into your repertoire of the Perverted Arts. That is, apparently, except – as some of you have indicated – there is some doubt as to the ideal choice of relish in a full-on village orgy. There is no real settled mainstream view, however, on this matter, except to exercise caution when utilising some of the more powerful chilli-based relishes. I would also add that if you are approaching, say, your post mistress from the rear, or on the blindside, always make sure that your serving spoon is not too cold, otherwise you could end up with a relish stain or a nearby assistant librarian, which would be – to say the least – most impolite.

It is also important for each and every gentleman to make sure he knows where his outpourings of Gentleman’s Relish are going to end up before he splashes out. This is especially true if the lady does not – for example – wish to receive a dollop of his Gentleman’s Relish on her baps or her buns without adequate warning, or if she still has her mouth full from a previous dalliance.

These are, of course, only guidelines, the actual situation may vary from orgy to orgy, so it is always a good idea to check with one’s dalliance partners rather than splashing your relish about on all and sundry.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Orgies and Overcoming

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Now, as you may not have noticed during your own village hall orgies, or – if you are unfortunate enough to have to exist in some urban environment – community centre orgies, there is sometimes the danger of some of the ladies getting overcome, especially if they are a popular partner on everyone’s orgy card. Sometimes in their haste to tick off a particular partner on their orgy card some gentlemen – most probably townies or other such callow beings - tend to just come and go, without even offering the lady in question a chance of full reciprocation.

Of course, way back in the mists of time when the village hall orgy was just getting going, this was why the Ladies’ Excuse Me was developed. This, so that in those less-aware times, it gave the ladies some chance of attaining the satisfaction that is surely their due, if not right, by allowing them to choose those partners from their orgy cards that they felt would allow those ladies to achieve their full potential – hopefully multiple times.

It is to be hoped that this fashion for the men to be less generous with their time, but not their outpourings, will not take us back to those unenlightened times when a lady was expected to settle for less than full satisfaction and satiation from her orgiastic endeavours.

Such things should not stand, nor should those menfolk who would wish to perpetuate them.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

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Way back in the late 1960s Grand Uncle Stagnant was at the forefront (even when he was standing at the back of the crowd, due to him being such a proudly upstanding gentleman) of the Free Love movement. So keen was Grand Uncle Stagnant on Free Love, that he immediately stopped issuing invoices as soon as he heard about the concept.

Grand Uncle Stagnant – to his initial surprise – also found that he was an immediate hit with the hippy chicks he met. This was especially true as his casual attitude to nudity and personal hygiene seemed - to those naïve young girls - that he was more in tune with nature than the square middle-class boys they found so dull. In addition, Grand Uncle Stagnant’s absent airs gave them the impression that his thoughts were on a grand cosmic level that made communication with mere earth-bound humans so problematical to him. Not only that, Grand Uncle Stagnant had – since early boyhood – been smoking and otherwise ingesting all manner of natural – and some exceedingly unnatural – substances, mainly because he was too tight-fisted to buy ordinary cigarettes from the tobacconist and preferred ‘rolling his own’. In fact many times he had been caught ‘rolling his own’ in public by the forces of law and order, which again made him seem a hero to the hippy chicks who found such a casual attitude to the law and to ‘the man’ so knicker-liberating.

Grand Uncle Stagnant also turned up at many of the free festivals that were all the rage in the hippy period, mainly because he happened to be sleeping in a nearby field hen the revellers turned up and he had wandered over to see what was going on, and if he could find anything worth nicking.

Such was the seeming profundity of his inconsequential wibbling that many of the hippies felt he must be some kind of guru, and therefore it was essential for the hippy girls to spend as much time with him so that he could impart his wisdom to them through direct intimate physical contact. Eventually, though, the hippy movement – like all youth movements – faded away, as something new, bright and shiny replaced it, and Grand Uncle Stagnant wandered back into Little Frigging, back into the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage and back into ‘his’ chair by the fire as though the intervening years had never happened.

Although, when the Grateful dead come on the radio he does tend to get a far away look in his eyes and wanders off to see if he can find a brace – or two – of dairymaids.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Warming Around These Parts

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Now as the spring is almost upon us and the denizens of Little Frigging begin to become aware of stirrings in the undergrowth, it is time to consider packing away the cold winter thermal fetish gear and consider girding our loins in readiness for the first all-village open air orgies on the village green. Usually the open-air orgies begin around late March or early April, but with the impact of global warming, we now expect them in late May as it seems that despite the alleged increase in global temperatures the warmer weather is taking longer and longer to reach these parts. This especially applies to the parts that the Little Frigging denizens like to expose to all and sundry on open-air village green orgy days.

However, once the warmer weather does arrive, the ladies of Little Frigging are always keen to see volunteer fireman, Strom Thighhammer get his hose out into the open air for the first time in the spring and many of those ladies love helping him handle it and to check that it is functioning as it should.

Besides that, the cake shop ladies like to set up tables around the edge of the village green where they can get their baps out and display them for the delectation of the rest of the village. The tables prove useful as well, so the cake shop ladies have somewhere off the damp grass where they can place their buns when the gentlemen of the village want to fill them with their hot pork and a decent amount of freshly-made stuffing.

All in all then, the first village green open air all-village orgy is a special date in the village calendar for all who come there.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Sticky Buns and Hot Sausage Rolls

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Of course, once you have the cake shop manageress prepared and spread out on the shop counter, it is very easy for her to apply your fresh cream to where she needs it most and for you to assist with applying a generous coating of sticky icing to her buns.

Such is the generous nature of the typical cake shop manageress that any request by a gentleman to warm up his sausage roll by putting it in her hot oven is usually met with more than a little alacrity. Sometimes, with every cake shop assistant in the shop also keen to offer to place his sausage roll in their oven too.

Not only that many of the lady customers in the shop will – undoubtedly – be more than willing to suck some fresh cream from his chocolate éclair if offered the opportunity. For it is undoubtedly true that the ladies do like a man who is generous and polite enough to offer them all a turn with his hot pork baguette until they are fully satiated and overcome with his generosity.

All in all then, no gentleman of good standing should miss out on a trip to his local village cake shop, as it is an experience that he will long remember. A reminiscence he will be delighted to recall – when in the privacy of his study – with a firmness that means he will have to take himself well in hand if he is not to get too overcome by the wonderful memories that come flooding back from his latest visit to the village cake shop.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Helping Hands

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To most of us, of course, the recent political blather-fest about the ‘Big Society’ has been of little interest or consequences, just the vapid mutterings of politicians playing their usual purposeless ‘positioning’ games. However, mention the word ‘big’ and the concept of volunteering to the ladies of Little frigging and they will all offer – with great alacrity - to help out village volunteer fireman (and blacksmith) Strom Thighhammer unroll his hose out on the village green.

The ladies of the village are always more than willing to volunteer to assist any gentleman from the village, or environs, who needs a helping hand with his tool. The ladies are also usually keen to offer a helping hand to anyone who feels they need the comforting hand of a friendly neighbour to assist them in coming to terms with their current situation.

Not only do the ladies offer a helping hand to the menfolk of the village, they are also very keen to assist each other achieve a level of satisfaction and satiation that would otherwise not be available to them, usually through their regular daily Little Frigging Ladies Coffee mornings. Daily events where they often offer each other mutual hands of support and assistance, back up with full oral encouragement, sometimes with the use of whatever other devices come to hand, to bring satisfaction to each other in their times of need.

All in all then there is nothing – we feel – that the village needs to learn from national politicians about how to offer each other a helping hand in times of want.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Hot Strumpets on Wheels

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With government spending cuts impending, voices of concern have been raised in the village about what will happen to our village ‘Hot Strumpets on Wheels’ service. This has been a vital community service in Little Frigging for many years, and many of us – whatever the financial circumstances – would hate to see it withdrawn too early, as we all know how disappointing that can be.

The Hot Strumpet service is dedicated to bringing the best of the village hall orgy to those villagers too remote, and/or too incapacitated to make it to the village hall for our mid-week, or weekend, village orgies.

It all began when some of the village ladies noticed that there was an outlying lumberjack camp out by the big wood, where many burly lumberjacks had only each other for company and only had their choppers to hand to amuse themselves with.

Immediately, several of the more public-spirited of the Little Frigging ladies, led by my own dear wife, Maureen – who has always been very outgoing when it comes to offering herself to those seemingly in need – decided that the lumberjacks would appreciate a visit by some hot strumpets such as themselves.

In the week, or so, they were gone, many of us others in the village realised what a valuable service these ladies could provide to some of those more isolated by geography or circumstance, such as those lumberjacks.

Consequently, after several very long meetings in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage, those of us who could remember why we were there, decided to set up the ‘Hot Strumpets on Wheels service’ where we could get our women folk out of our hair for a whi… er… provide a much needed social servicing to those in need.

It has proved very popular, especially, for example, when the village amateur rugby team goes on tour, the Hot Strumpets on Wheels van will be not far behind the team coach, making sure that the players get all the comforts of home, especially in the team bath directly after the match.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Tactical Use of Salad on the Perversion Pitch

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The use of celery in an exotic context is no doubt familiar to anyone (or even both of you) who peruses my organ in any great detail, as celery has been a staple of rural perversions since before the days – and some of the nights – of the Vikings, if not before. Of course, the celery should always be introduced underarm, usually from the home end of the perversion pitch, especially during the Ladies Excuse Me, and – obviously – while someone keeps a firm grip on the donkey, at least until the match official has ruled the lettuce out of play. However, caution should be exercised in the use of the celery if it seems that the opposition’s central rear fondlers may be considering using their radishes, or if there is some chance of the cucumbers been pushed in from the rear through a clever flanking manoeuvre through the midfield.

The use of salad oil is much recommended, especially if the cucumbers are to be introduced un-sliced before the tomatoes have been bowled by the central pitcher out near the silly bell end position by the fielding team.

As I said at the beginning, I’m sure you will find all this obvious enough, but I would like to leave you thinking about the lettuce. So, I will.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A Firm Grasp of a Cream Horn

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It seems almost self-evident, thee days, that any cake shop manageress unable to get a firm grasp of your cream horn at the earliest opportunity will not always appreciate it if you come too soon, especially before she has managed to open up the shop, put her baps out on display and cleaned off her counter, ready for action.

Although, any gentleman who has been busy browsing his laptop may find that he is suddenly very keen to frequent the cake shop manageress’ portal as soon as he sees she is open and willing to entertain him. Especially in the open and friendly manner that the cake shop ladies of our English rural villages have become so renowned for throughout the English-speaking world, and America.

Although, it is not only cakes that these shops offer to their customers. For example many Master Bakers will take great delight in offering his lady customers his speciality hot sausage roll, or all manner of stuffings served with his choice pork sword. For it is not many a lady customer who leaves a Master Baker’s premises un-satiated, especially if he has offered to place his hot pork between her baps.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Splashing Out on a Brace of Dairymaids

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Of course, any gentleman who is fortunate enough to have the company of a brace of dairymaids for the evening will, no doubt, be looking forward to splashing out on them as much as he is able until he is totally spent out. However, by then the dairymaids should be quite overcome by your generosity and be willing to be seen out in public with you, providing – it almost goes without saying – that you continue to wear the bag over your head when in their company on a public thoroughfare.

It has long been a tradition in rural communities for any gentleman walking out with a brace of dairymaids to offer them both a pearl necklace at the end of the evening as a way of showing his appreciation for their devoted attentions. This is especially the case if they have taken him warmly in their experienced hands during their evening stroll, or helped him secrete himself in their bush more to enjoy the delights of nature without starling any of the wildlife*.

Of course, for the gentleman of more specialised interests, a dairymaid or two can be more than willing to offer to whip his cream, or even – should he be a man of some significant standing in the village – a chance to have his butter churned.

 

*Although, any wildlife that has been within a 5-mile radius of Grand Uncle Stagnant will need quite a lot to startle it.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Importance of Unwinding

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Of course, once you have mounted your tandem, remembering - of course – to first dismount from your fully-satiated post mistress and/or cake shop manageress, you can make your way at a leisurely pace down the main street of Little Frigging. There is nothing quite as invigorating as riding your tandem to The Pervert’s Appendage, where – adequately ensconced in the snug – you can go about gently unwinding from a hard day of dalliances with the libation of your choice… and, of course, a bag of scratchings.

It goes without saying – even though – just to be on the safe side, I have said it – that one should always take some time to get over one’s dalliances, if one does not wish to get too overcome. This is – of course – why women have knitting and the advanced criticism of neighbours as a way of recovering from their exertions during their dalliances. This, even if it only mostly consisted of them staring up at the ceiling and wondering if there is a better colour it could be painted and reminding him to pull her nightie back down when he’s finished. Although why he should need reminding when there is usually only a few moments in time between him first raising it and having to lower it again is, many ladies have attested, one of the eternal mysteries of the universe.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Erotic Use of the Toolshed

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[The Solitary Vice]

So, if you have your brace of dairymaids already spread out on the top of your workbench, with the jar of Swarfega already close at hand, then there is little more I can do. That is, except to advise you to keep a firm grip on your tool and make sure all the surfaces are smooth before you even think about whether to engage in some swift hammering, or go for the – to my mind – far more satisfying long slow screw.

Of course, there are some who say that having the dairymaids there to assist you is to some extent a bit of a cheat. However, there are far more who will argue that if a man can’t have a couple of willing dairymaids to hand in the comfort and privacy of his own toolshed, then what – indeed – is the world coming to?

For is it not – if I may wax philosophical* for a moment – the very purpose of a toolshed, qua toolshed to be the place where a gentleman can feel at his freest when wielding his tool? Furthermore, it is always a delight when one has –at least – another pair of hands to help make full use of your hand tool.

Many pairs of freely-available hands in a gentleman’s toolshed is – of course – a great way to avoid what has been called the ‘solitary vice’ too, which can – if over-used – bring tears to the eyes and, sometimes even, damage to a gentleman’s tool.

 

*Not – I hope you realise – that I am intending to wax a philosopher. I would never even attempt such a thing at this time of year when the philosopher is out of season and needs to remain completely un-waxed if it is to engage in any of the cogitation necessary to keep the breed’s numbers up to a near sustainable level.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Shuttlecocks and Perversions

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Of course, as anyone who has ever fondled a shuttlecock knows, the perverse use of sport and sporting equipment has a long and distinguished history, especially where ping-pong bats and assistant librarians are concerned, as you probably know if you are a regular attendee at your local village hall Tuesday Coffee morning and all-comers orgy.

Of course, as every such regular attendee at a full village orgy knows, shin pads can be very useful when the orgy pitch is very crowded, and many orgy-goers in the hectic summer season would not feel suitably undressed for an all-village orgy without a pair of cricket pads and wicket keeper’s gloves.

Many of the Ladies of Little Frigging too, do not consider a bath a proper bath unless the bath includes at least one rugby team to help them find the soap.

We have, previously, mentioned how valuable a pole-vaulting pole can be in the typical village orgy, and I would respectfully suggest that experience with the hurdles can come in useful when one wants to be amongst the first reaching the half-time buffet tables just before the referee is blown for the end of the first half of the orgy. That is if you want to make sure of getting yourself a nice cup of tea and the choicer selection of cream cakes before they are all gobbled up.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Coldest Winter in Living Memory

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Of course, during my absence from this… this… whatever it is, the usual mid-week and weekend all-village orgies have been carrying on as normal in the Little Frigging village hall, even in this the coldest winter in living (and/or Old Feebletrousers’) memory.

It got so cold at one village hall orgy, when the central heating was on the blink, that several of the ladies there had to take the gentlemen in hand for a cold start. Something which may have put my older reader in mind of those good old days when one’s car sometimes needed a bit of hand cranking to get it to chug along in a respectable manner.

Just like cars too, many of the gentlemen of Little Frigging, did need to ingest a certain amount of alcohol, as an antifreeze, in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage before setting off for the village hall for that evening’s orgy. In fact, some of them need so much anti-freeze they often forgot to turn up at the village hall at all on a couple of occasions.

However, as usual, Strom Thighhammer, the village blacksmith and volunteer fireman, bravely stepped up to the crease, as it were, and took it upon himself to make sure that the ladies who had braved the cold and ventured out to the village hall orgy had not wasted their evening. He did this by doing his best to get them all warmed up for the journey home, by making sure each of them made full use of his hot poker to ensure they were fully warmed through before venturing back outside again.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Cold Winter Thermal Fetish Gear

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Now as the cold winter weather of our global warming continues I am sure that you must all have already made full use of your thermal fetish gear, fur-lined penile restraints, cold weather nipple clamps and woollen wallaby grouting aprons. Also, you should also make sure your sex spatulas are kept warm and at optimum wielding temperature under a hot cake shop manageress, especially when she needs help extracting her hot baps in readiness for your delectation.

It is advisable too, always to make sure you have at least one spade at the ready in case you have to dig your all-village orgy out of a snowdrift, or need to dig a trench around the outside of your dairymaids in case of sudden flooding. You should also make preparations against the danger of errant reindeers poking their bright red protuberances into your doings.

Naturally, as the weather changes as we move from winter into spring (eventually) it is still wise to think about putting on one’s thermal fetish gear and make full use of the erotic possibilities of the mitten, the bobble hat and the hot water bottle while it remains a bit nippy. Notwithstanding, of course, to dismiss the invigorating feeling it is possible to get in the inclement weather by sucking on a Fisherman’s Friend.

While on the subject of notwithstanding, any gentleman who finds himself (providing that he can of course find himself in cold weather through several layers of clothing and undergatherings) afflicted with a case of being notwithstanding, is heartily recommended to request a fully invigorating rub from any nearby village lady. Such is the experience of our local ladies they will soon have any such afflicted gentleman standing proud once again and quite capable of fully feeling himself, that is if the ladies want to let him have a go, or if they – instead – wish for some reciprocation now that the gentleman is upstanding again.

Of course, one should also make sure that one’s unguents, lubricants and other such fluids are usable at low temperature. Badger spleen oil, of course, is notable for its tendency to freeze solid at low temperatures, thus making it most unsuitable for any outdoor low temperature perversions. However, this should not restrict its use in any igloo, ski chalet or hot buttered strumpet. Extreme low temperature trollops however, should best be avoided, as an icicle on your accoutrements cannot be easily laughed off.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Careless Talk Costs Lives

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We have bedecked the assistant chiropodists in the most outrageous fetish gear our fevered erotic longings demand and placed them at the compass points of our desires. Therefore, it is now time to settle down with a good book and a warm beverage of our choice, whilst we wait for the Management Accountant to come to temperature.

Still, while we are waiting it would be a good time for me to explain my long absence from this… this… alleged blogosphere* - whatever that is. At least, you would think so. Common courtesy, at least, would – you would think – necessitate some sort of explanation for my rather unseemly hasty desertion of this… er… whatever it is…. And, now – what to all intents and porpoises - seems like my – admittedly tentative - re-emergence, somewhat like the growing interest of a gentleman under the tender ministrations of a cake shop manageress in search of a coating of fresh cream for her baps...

However, let us just say that sometimes our government (as well as those who actually do run the country) do sometimes need a little specialised help in order to overcome the machinations of those who would wish to do harm to our beloved country. In this context, someone such as myself, with an extensive knowledge of undercover perversions and the full erotic potential of cream cakes, will sometimes get a call to come to the service of one’s country. Possibly in order to overcome such acts of incipient terrorism that could well threaten the safety of all the apple turnovers and chocolate éclairs we hold dear.…

Well, I can safely say no more. But I feel you will get my drift.

Careless talk costs lives… and all that.

 

*It is called a sphere, apparently, because most of it is indistinguishable from bollocks.