Thursday, December 29, 2011

Vital Village Orgy Essentials

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Now, obviously in any village orgy, or even any competitive inter-village orgy, from the local leagues right up to the World Inter-Village Orgy Cup, there is always one constant that is vital for the participants to enjoy the full benefits of the perverse experience.

Here I, of course, speak of the Nice Cup of Tea.

As perverteers of long-standing, I am sure that the perusers of my organ need no further reminding of the bounteous benefits of the Nice Cup of Tea. Although, there are rumours that there are some on the continent, and even some out in the colonies, who do not re-invigorate their orgy-going experience with a Nice Cup of Tea, I’m sure that no-one here ever considers such an offence against all that is natural and good in the perverse arts.

We all are prepared to admit, I’m sure, that there is a place for most beverages in a village-orgy context – up to and including Bovril, I’m sure that as reasonable people we can all agree that they all - including coffee – pale into insignificance when compared to the Nice Cup of Tea.

This must become obvious to everyone when the biscuits and/or cake are brought out during the refreshment break at half-time in the village orgy. Pleasant as the other beverages may be, none of them fits so well – like a well-oiled vicar into a campanologist – as a cup of tea with either cake or biscuits.

Therefore, if you through some unfortunate turn of circumstance find that you – in the near future – are attending a village orgy without adequate tea-making facilities: although I, for one, could not imagine why that should ever be the case. Please remember – at the very least – to take a flask of tea with you if you do not wish to have your orgiastic performance hindered and – possibly - even derided.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Alleged Illicit Practices in Inter-Village Orgy League Matches

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It is likely that you – like me – were taken aback by some of the allegations printed in the sports pages of some of the specialist Gentleman's Interest magazines, and on some of the more sexually relaxed sports-related websites concerning illicit practices in Inter-Village Orgy League matches.

Most of these allegations seem to feature unnamed players from unnamed teams talking – for the first time – frankly about the illicit use of certain performance-enhancing substances in Inter-Village Orgy league and cup matches.

It is especially worrying to hear allegations that some players may have been en-smearing themselves with 3-fruit marmalade in order to gain unfair advantage over opposing players, and to enhance their prowess over opposing teams, for whom the very thought of entering a competitive orgy en-smeared with marmalade is an anathema, and contrary to all decent sporting instincts.

However, such is the danger of marmalade endangering what could already be an over-startled chicken during the tense closing half-hour of an inter-village competitive orgy, that all-comers to a village orgy have to undergo mandatory marmalade testing in the undressing room before the beginning of the start of the commencement of the match.

Therefore, any such tales of smuggled marmalade – as well as the illicit use of toast-making equipment in the undressing room can be treated with some amount (I suggest a tablespoon) of scepticism. It would come as no surprise (especially to the otherwise easily-startled chicken) that this is yet another tabloid-inspired moral panic that will soon be forgotten about as the Inter-Village Orgy League enters its final stages over the coming months.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Pervertner’s Guide to the Rural Rude and Naughty

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‘It is not easy, finding a way through the undergrowth, sometimes, but then if you have a firm enough grasp on your probing tool a way can usually be found to gain entrance to the more enchanting and secluded groves on our rural byways.’ Such was the opening sentence of Pervertner’s Guide to the Rural Rude and Naughty of England, which was – as time went on – to become the essential guide to Britain’s most perverse rural areas at the beginning of this century.

Pervertner’s as it has become known is indispensable to anyone who sets out on a walking tour of Britain’s more perverse rural villages and hamlets, as well as being quite a good guide to the UK’s naughtiest towns, cities and suburban areas. Pervernter himself devoted his life from the publication of this first volume of his guide to exploring as much of the rural UK as he could, as well as sampling as much of the UK’s famed taste for rural naughtiness as he could. Not only that, he developed the UK’s first rating system for the ranking the naughtiness of the UK’s dairymaids, cake shop manageresses and postmistresses in a way that has never been bettered.

Not even the EU’s brand-new Europe-Wide perversion scale – the Wankometrique. Unfortunately, this is - of course - in metric and, as such, consequently plays down the naughtiness level of England’s assistant librarians can really compare to the Pervertner scale. The Pervertner scale can also be used to measure – with often quite startling accuracy - the hotness of meat pies, the breeding seasons of sheep and cows, the gripping strength of dairymaids and even small local earthquakes.

All-in-all then Pervertner’s Guide’ is an invaluable aid to everyone with an interest in the perverse arts and sciences and should therefore make an ideal gift for the deviant in your life, or for an interested neophyte.