Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Health and Safety and Perversions

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It appears that in their constant quest to interfere in every aspect of their citizens lives the meddlesome pests at the EU have now introduced some EU-wide compulsory High-Visibility Fetish Gear regulations.

Once the laws come into effect, it will be illegal for anyone to attempt an erotic encounter, or perverse undertaking in low-light conditions without first making sure that all fetish gear uses high visibility materials and has glow in the dark reflective strips, especially near the all-important erogenous zones (including the elbows).

Believing that the normal low-light or even completely dark gloom of the bedroom, erotic dungeon, cowshed or any other place of perversion poses a risk to the well-being of participants in any erotic encounter, the European Commission has introduced several new regulations, including outlawing jumping from the top of the wardrobe onto the integrated perversion activity centre (bed) in the dark, even when the gentleman in question is sporting a hard helmet.

The rules stressing the importance of hard helmets for gentlemen also insist upon well-upholstered buffer zones for ladies in every encounter of an erotic, or potentially perverse, encounter, up to and including the use of warm custard between consenting adults.

The EU is also considering introducing further laws to assist with finding the key to the handcuffs in time, so that participants do not miss the start of Match of the Day or any other vital cultural event.

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