Monday, February 20, 2012
For those new to the arts and sciences of rural perversions, I would suggest a good introduction to the field; as well as the woods, the duck pond, the village pub (The Pervert’s Appendage) and the lawyer swamp would be to take one of Grand Uncle Stagnant’s Little Frigging Nature Walks.
These nature walks are offered to interested tourists (as well as people who are just nosey buggers) for a reasonable price (depending on what Grand Uncle Stagnant thinks he can get away with) during the summer months.
On these nature walks, Grand Uncle Stagnant will point out all the points of perverse interest found in the English rural environment. For example, tourists will get the chance to see the dexterous manipulations of a brace of dairymaids who are wiling to offer willing parties a chance at some hands on experience, the erotic use of the post office queue, right through to offering a taste of the cake shop manageress’s baps.
Of course, grand Uncle Stagnant also offers those who sign up for his walks a chance to see the herds of domesticated hairstylists as they sweep majestically across the open meadows in search of fresh holiday brochures and practice their mating dances around their handbags under the shelter of the riverside trees. Also for those of a more robust constitution, there will be - at their own risk – a chance to visit the lawyer sties and – possibly see some litigation in action.
For those willing to run the risk of imbibing some locally-made cider there is also the change to see the now rare fully-bearded folk singers in their natural habitat as they wrestle with wild accordions, feral banjos and untamed guitars and indulge in their fearsome mating cries.
Then, to round off the tour, there will be a visit to the Stranger’s Gallery in the Little Frigging village hall, where the tourists can watch a village orgy in all its glory. Also – for an additional fee – partake of the half-time tea and cream cakes and mingle with the orgy-goers themselves, perhaps picking up a few tips and pointers to take home with them after a long, informative, and – hopefully – deeply arousing day.