Monday, March 5, 2012

The Free Elbow and its Uses

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It is not easy to recalibrate your sexual arousal spatulas out in the field, especially if there is a strong north-easterly blowing, which plays havoc with the erogenous zones of your dairymaids and makes buttering the weasel even slightly more problematical than the norm.

Although, it must be said, Big Norm is far better at this than Little Norm, mainly by the cunning way he keeps the dairymaids in the ‘ready’ position by deft use of the free elbow.

This use of the free elbow is, to what remains of my mind, an area that has not – up until now – achieve what I feel is its rightful position in the panoply of the perverse arts and sciences.

The free elbow, and – on those occasions that warrant it – the spare knee, should by out of those arts of the perverse that should be taught to every neophyte perverteer at the earliest opportunity*.

This is why we have decided that from the start of the next Little Frigging academic year (which usually begins when it is warm enough for the cows not to need their shed in the daytime); we will be introducing a fully-accredited Foundation Course on the erotic uses of the elbow. Already there has been strong interest from putative students, despite the sometimes-prohibitive cost of bespoke trainee sexual arousal spatulas for the novice***.

 

*The earliest opportunity – ideally long enough after afternoon tea, but before the good** programmes come on the telly.

**Yes, I know, but there is sometimes one good programme on, occasionally, but NEVER before nine o’clock at night.

***i.e. – complete with training wheels.

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