Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Mathematics and the Erotic Arts and Sciences


There are some who pooh-pooh the importance of learning maths, especially when these days the ubiquity of computers means that it is possible for them to do everything. This goes from miscalculating a gas bill through snarling up an entire traffic system and losing several important documents somewhere in the bowels of a massive hard disk right up to emailing the entire contents of your Gentleman’s Special Interests folder to a nunnery in Droitwich. All of which can be achieved without anyone needing to take their socks off in order to do the necessary sums.

However, some mathematical ability is always useful, right up to feeling confident enough in your geometrical ability to organise a full all-village synchronised orgy using only a protractor and a slide-rule. A vital skill if you are to achieve the optimum satiation of the assistant librarians by them being in position to receive the full effect of a rampant Strom Thighhammer without the audience’s view becoming obstructed by an errant elbow or the sight of Old Feebletrousers masticating furiously over by the buffet table.

These days too, with calculators available everywhere, there seems to be little need for a gentleman to always have his booklet of four-figure logarithmic tables on hand for some of the more mathematically-exacting perversions such as Gödel’s Incompleteness Orgy, or calculating the exact placement of the melon in Hilbert Space. Nor, even, does a gentleman need to check his pencil is sharp enough to calculate that his hypotenuse is at the correct angle to receive a fully-aroused postmistress.

This is why the University of Little Frigging feels that it has no option but to offer a foundation level course in mathematics for the perverse arts and sciences for all new students in the forthcoming academic year.

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