Thursday, March 8, 2012

Old Feebletrousers and his Pork Sword

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It is sometimes hard to grasp these days (mainly because of the cold weather), but back in his day, Old Feebletrousers – much like Grand Uncle Stagnant was a fine upstanding gentleman, famous throughout the entire county of Upper Thyghspreader for his ability to balance a large pork pie on the end of his accomplishment whilst masticating. He called this particular trick his ‘Pork Sword’ and ladies from miles around would all hurry to see it as soon as they heard Feebletrousers had his pork sword out in the fields.

Young ladies from all the nearby villages would all rush to see him spreading out his picnic blanket in the Lower Upper Lower meadow. Once he had his hamper open, each young lady would vie with the others to be the one chosen to place the pork pie, hoping that Old (or as he was then – young) Feebletrousers would promise to give her some when the display was over.

Although they lived in the countryside, on or near farms, those were very impoverished times and the young ladies of the county were always looking out for a chance to get some pork inside themselves. Consequently, whenever there was a chance of getting their hands on the impressively large pork sword belonging to Young Feebletrousers, they were all eager to get their hands on it and take a chance of enjoying a good mouthful of it.

Alas though, time and tide wait for no man and these days Old Feebletrousers can no longer carry the full weight of a proper pork pie. Sometimes, with the assistance of an assistant librarian or a brace of dairymaids he can achieve some success balancing a small packet of pork scratchings on it, but even then he needs one of the ladies to hold him firm in order for the others to sample what was – in its heyday – one of the best pork swords in Little Frigging.

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