Monday, March 12, 2012

Sex Spatulas and Dexterity

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It goes without saying, although I fully intend to say it anyway, that any putative dalliance partner is bound to be impressed with anyone who can wield their sexual arousal spatulas with instinctual dexterity and confidence. There is nothing more off-putting – as we all know – than someone who does not know the true art of the sex spatula, especially someone who struggles to master even some of the most basic moves – such as the underarm self-basting manoeuvre.

It is disappointing to sit there in the bath as the custard cools and hardens around the neither regions while one’s putative dalliance partner gets their sex spatulas wedged under the loofah and then has to remove their flippers in order to dislodge the stuck spatulas.

Therefore it is always a good thing to learn to practice the basic manoeuvres of the sexual arousal spatulas – as with all things sexual – a lot on your own, first, before attempting to wield them in front of someone else.

As we should all remember from our youth it was much easier approaching a putative sexual partner with confidence if we had already made full use of the watermelon several times on our own in our bedrooms beforehand. It also helps to practice putting on one’s flippers and shin pads before venturing into a village hall orgy for the first time. There is nothing that gives away the neophyte village orgy goer as inaccurately-fitted shin pads and an askew flat cap.

So, remember – as with most things – practice makes perfect.

In fact, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go and brush up on my wallaby-grouting technique right now.

Good night.

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