Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Health and Safety and Perversions

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It appears that in their constant quest to interfere in every aspect of their citizens lives the meddlesome pests at the EU have now introduced some EU-wide compulsory High-Visibility Fetish Gear regulations.

Once the laws come into effect, it will be illegal for anyone to attempt an erotic encounter, or perverse undertaking in low-light conditions without first making sure that all fetish gear uses high visibility materials and has glow in the dark reflective strips, especially near the all-important erogenous zones (including the elbows).

Believing that the normal low-light or even completely dark gloom of the bedroom, erotic dungeon, cowshed or any other place of perversion poses a risk to the well-being of participants in any erotic encounter, the European Commission has introduced several new regulations, including outlawing jumping from the top of the wardrobe onto the integrated perversion activity centre (bed) in the dark, even when the gentleman in question is sporting a hard helmet.

The rules stressing the importance of hard helmets for gentlemen also insist upon well-upholstered buffer zones for ladies in every encounter of an erotic, or potentially perverse, encounter, up to and including the use of warm custard between consenting adults.

The EU is also considering introducing further laws to assist with finding the key to the handcuffs in time, so that participants do not miss the start of Match of the Day or any other vital cultural event.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Latest Erotic Mobile Phone Apps

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Of course, most people in Little Frigging have, for a long time now, kept their mobile phones in a place about their person where they will feel the full effects of its vibrational properties whenever they receive a call or a text.

However, with the new breeds of smartphone available the number of apps available for them has done much to add a new dimension to the perverted arts and sciences experience of the individual user.

For example, the WMW (WaterMelonWhereabouts) app is able to pinpoint within less that 20 yards the nearest person with the app who has a ripe watermelon on or about their person and is looking for a like-minded partner wishing to share it. The same applies to the Weasel_Finder app. This app is another boon to those who need to find the whereabouts of a compatible weasel, often at a moment’s notice.

There is also an English Village Hall app, which is ideal for those who do a lot of travelling and are wondering if there is an All-Comers Village Orgy in their near vicinity on any particular day.

There is also – at least according to Grand Uncle Stagnant – an app that teaches the neophyte the best way to place a sheep’s hind legs in one’s wellies for that perfect romantic night out in a summer meadow.

These are just a pointer to what is available with many new apps appearing on the market every day, all designed for today’s tech-savvy perverteer.

Friday, February 24, 2012

On Having a Man's Pointer

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At times of tribulation and trepidation, many of the ladies of Little Frigging have found relief from their difficulties by receiving a pointer from Grand Uncle Stagnant. It takes a gentleman of his outstanding achievement to help a lady overcome her vicissitudes and to enable her to have both a spring in her step and to feel herself on top of things again.

A gentleman of experience – and some of Grand Uncle Stagnant’s experiences would even embarrass a member of parliament – is always a great aid and comfort to any lady who finds herself unable to achieve any satisfaction in her life, especially when her gentleman acquaintances prove unable to come up to the mark and thus leave her unfulfilled and bereft.

Of course, at such times as these many ladies prefer to turn for a helping hand, or some mouthings of comfort, from their lady friends. I – for one – am not one to pooh-pooh such informal arrangements, especially if they are tempted to record their entanglements for posterity and for those of us who take a connoisseur’s interest in such close encounters of the female kind.

However, Grand Uncle Stagnant is always more than willing to put himself in the hands of any lady who feels that her current shortcoming can only be resolved by having a man’s pointer assist her towards rectifying the lack of satiation in her life.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Complacency in the Perverse Arts and Sciences

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Of course, there is always the danger that a certain amount of complacency will ease its way into your practice of the perverse arts and sciences at some point. Maybe one day you will find you llama somewhat less beguiling than normal, perhaps there will come a time when the thought of the dexterous manual manipulations of a brace of dairymaids leaves you somewhat less than your normal upstanding self. Perhaps even the thought of a plumber wielding his tool around your outlets does not get you all hot and bothered and close to dropping a stitch in your knitting.

Well, whatever you state of ennui you can rest assured that such feelings will pass. Often, it is just a matter of pulling yourself together or something equally uplifting or reinvigorating perhaps something as exciting as creosoting your garden shed or rearranging your tinned goods cupboard in alphabetical order can get those primal urges flowing once again.

If all that fails, it goes without saying that everyone at your local village hall orgy night will, once they see the state of your predicament, all rush with alacrity to give you a helping hand to perk you back up again.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Little Frigging Adult Education and Edification Classes

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Despite having the world’s leading university (formerly the farm cowshed) for the study of the perverse arts and sciences, we here at Little Frigging have not forgotten our duty to inform and instruct those who wish to learn more about the aforesaid arts and sciences without the formality of taking a recognised system of study leading to qualification.

Therefore, we in the village with interests or expertise in all the various perverse arts and sciences offer a range of evening classes in everything from the best way to grout a wallaby right up to and including Olympic-level perverse arts such as fully-consensual nude hang gliding (with a goat) courses.

One of the most popular courses we offer is Grand Uncle Stagnant’s Guide to the Best way of Fondling a Brace of Dairymaids. This course is – of course – fully hands-on and offers a practical guide to getting to grips with a brace of well-oiled dairymaids without having to put down either your pint or your pasty, or even miss the vital last few minutes of whatever sporting fixture is currently on TV. Obviously, therefore, this is a course for well-advanced perverteers only. Most of the gentlemen taking the course are quite-noticeably well-advanced in the trouser region before the course begins, especially when they see the training dairymaids arrive in the class and begin setting up the equipment on the benches.

For a full list of all courses, please see the list displayed on the notice-board in the Little Frigging Village Hall pre-village hall orgy vestibule.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Nature Walks with Grand Uncle Stagnant

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For those new to the arts and sciences of rural perversions, I would suggest a good introduction to the field; as well as the woods, the duck pond, the village pub (The Pervert’s Appendage) and the lawyer swamp would be to take one of Grand Uncle Stagnant’s Little Frigging Nature Walks.
These nature walks are offered to interested tourists (as well as people who are just nosey buggers) for a reasonable price (depending on what Grand Uncle Stagnant thinks he can get away with) during the summer months.
On these nature walks, Grand Uncle Stagnant will point out all the points of perverse interest found in the English rural environment. For example, tourists will get the chance to see the dexterous manipulations of a brace of dairymaids who are wiling to offer willing parties a chance at some hands on experience, the erotic use of the post office queue, right through to offering a taste of the cake shop manageress’s baps.
Of course, grand Uncle Stagnant also offers those who sign up for his walks a chance to see the herds of domesticated hairstylists as they sweep majestically across the open meadows in search of fresh holiday brochures and practice their mating dances around their handbags under the shelter of the riverside trees. Also for those of a more robust constitution, there will be - at their own risk – a chance to visit the lawyer sties and – possibly see some litigation in action.
For those willing to run the risk of imbibing some locally-made cider there is also the change to see the now rare fully-bearded folk singers in their natural habitat as they wrestle with wild accordions, feral banjos and untamed guitars and indulge in their fearsome mating cries.
Then, to round off the tour, there will be a visit to the Stranger’s Gallery in the Little Frigging village hall, where the tourists can watch a village orgy in all its glory. Also – for an additional fee – partake of the half-time tea and cream cakes and mingle with the orgy-goers themselves, perhaps picking up a few tips and pointers to take home with them after a long, informative, and – hopefully – deeply arousing day.





Friday, February 17, 2012

The Little Frigging Ladies Sex Aid and Knitting Club

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The ladies of Little Frigging are always keen to give each other a helping hand with their new devices whenever the situation warrants it. Not only that, each lady in the village can count on receiving full oral comfort from her fellow ladies in the village whenever she needs it too.

Only last winter for example, the village Ladies Sex Aid and Knitting Club found themselves stranded together at the post office – where they were holding their twice-weekly gathering – by a freak snowstorm that blocked all the entrances and exits to the Post office up to several metric inches deep.

Seeing that they were cut off from rescue by their menfolk, who had all bravely gathered in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage to ensure that the pub’s extensive stock of fine ales and connoisseur ciders was safe from frost damage, the women immediately snuggled down together to give each other the warmth and comfort of each other’s bodies.

Several days later when the men managed to sober up enough to manage the tricky business of staying upright long enough to manoeuvre themselves out of the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage they discovered – to their consternation – that all the snow had melted.

Rushing around to the Post Office – immediately after closing time – they were all eager to make sure that the village womenfolk had survived the ordeal, and to offer their assistance should any women have become accidentally undressed during their confinement in the Post Office.

Luckily, we found the women had managed very well on their own, although a few of them said they had suffered from stiff jaws and a couple had very sore wrists for the next few days. All of them though were smiling broadly and made promises to meet up again as soon as possible for a coffee morning, where they could again compare noted on the relative merits of their various sex aids and knitting patterns.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Little Frigging Village Show

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Of course, like most rural villages in England the denizens of Little Frigging are not adverse to showing off the size of their plums and melons, the length of their marrows and any other such demonstrations of size and prowess at the annual village show.

However, during the winter months it is the size of a man’s sprouts that tend to occupy the thoughts of the ladies of the village, especially if exposed to a sharp frost. Many of the village ladies would say that a man’s sprouts nipped by the frost have a nicer flavour than those not so exposed.

Therefore, it is often the case that during these colder months the gentlemen of the village spend the frosty nights out in their fields, allotments, gardens or even their smallholdings exposing their sprouts to the elements in order to satisfy the cravings of the village ladies.

Come farmer’s market day, then, the ladies of the village are always very eager to peruse the displays put on by the proud sprout producers to check the quality of goods put out on display for their edification. Many of the more experienced women in the village (and most are very experienced indeed) claiming they can tell the quality of a man’s sprouts by mere touch and the way they respond to a robust fingering.

Once back home the ladies delight in dipping the fresh sprouts in warm butter before getting down to giving them a nibble before moving on to the rest of the main course laid out on the table ready for them to fully indulge themselves to the point of satiation.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Joy of Socks

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But soft, so we’ll have to wait awhile for things to firm up a little. While we are waiting, maybe we could peruse together this rather delightful tome I happen to have about my boudoir. It is entitled The Joy of Socks and is a useful and interesting appendage for all sorts of kinky and even perverse bedroom activities that make any use whatsoever of hosiery and such related garmentry.

Of course, as a perverteer of good standing any frequent peruser of my organ will be well-versed in the use of fetish mittens and even the erotic possibilities of the duffle coat for outdoor perversions during the colder months… and winter too.

However, indoors during the colder months, and winter, can often be quite cool too, especially when your central heating boiler decides it needs a bit of a rest. Therefore, the use of socks can become essential, even if it is just to keep the frost from nipping at a gentleman’s accomplishment.

Not only that, the use of socks also prevents the possibility of proceedings coming to an abrupt ending due to the sudden shock of parts of the naked person coming into contact with ice-cold feet. This especially applies in such perversions as: the Kitchen Maid’s Preamble, The Cost Accountant Loss Adjustment and The Plumber’s Wrench, which all require careful and accurate placement of the feet to achieve their full effect.

Furthermore, if there are any lady admirers of my organ who possess a pair of thigh-length socks – ideally in a rainbow pattern – could they see me later for a full and frank discussion of matters arising.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

CPED* UK

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‘Wait’ she said, shifting slightly so that she had her bush between where we were secreting ourselves and the distant flame-lit ceremony taking place across on the Much Fondling village green. ‘I’m sure they will bring the cauliflower out when the church clock strikes midnight.’

I crawled closer to her bush and gestured for her to pass me the binoculars. It took a second or two to refocus the binoculars, but what I saw then brought a lump to my throat… as well as to my trousers.

Out on the Much Fondling village green, the ceremonial Lord High Baster of the Roast Dinner was wielding his gravy ladle with the ease and dexterity of one well-used to such arcane practices.

The naked librarian over whom he was ladling the mystic unguents was chanting the ancient dark rites along with the rest of the villagers gathered there. Never before had I truly appreciated the full erotic force of a medley of Cliff Richard’s early hits.

I glanced across at Maureen, secreted there behind her bush and nodded. ‘Yes,’ I whispered and swallowed ‘Any time now… any time soon they will bring out the cauliflower.’

It was far more than we had expected when our undercover perversions squad got the call to attend the UK’s Central Perversion Enforcement Directorate’s Head Office. There had been rumours, of course, but the commissioner assured us that he and the weasel were just good friends. However, once he saw that we were prepared to accept his word as a perverteer of good standing, he began to outline our new mission.

Apparently, there were some other rumours doing the rounds that didn’t involve the CPED UK’s commissioner and his weasel, concerning certain perverse activities in the vicinity of the village of Much Fondling which could contravene several EU directives of the Rude and Naughty, including use of an unlicensed gravy ladle in a perverse act.

Just as Much Fondling’s Post Mistress arrived with the watermelon and the ceremonial water pistol, Maureen decided we had seen enough. She turned to the four policemen accompanying us and told them it was time to stop secreting their helmets and to come out from under Maureen’s bush to make an arrest.

Luckily, we were just in time to stop the High Baster of the Roast Dinner from pouring a ladle full of cheese sauce over the awaiting cauliflower. Once the awaiting villagers had begun to anoint each other’s naked bodies with the cauliflower cheese, it would have been too late to stop the debauchery from getting out of hand. From past experience not even the mallards on the village duck pond would be safe after something like that was allowed to run rampant and unchecked.

Fortunately, we were there to save the day. As the policemen led the handcuffed miscreants away, Maureen began collecting the evidence.

‘This cheese sauce is still warm,’ she said to me, with a glint in her eye.

I looked around; everyone was out of sight, putting the suspects into the van.

‘Perhaps we ought to check that it really is cheese sauce,’ I said, wiping a sudden sheen of sweat from my brow. ‘I… I’ll… I’ll get the cauliflower.’

‘Y…ye… yes…’ Maureen said, already unbuttoning her CPED UK uniform tunic as I rushed across the village green to grab the cauliflower.

 

*CPED UK - Central Perversion Enforcement Directorate UK.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

First Tentative Year-End Results

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NOW as at all times I can see in the mind’s eye, In their stiff, painted clothes, the pale unsatisfied ones Appear and disappear* as they play blindfolded hopscotch across the minefields of all your darkest nightmares. On this dark winter morn, when each breath taken is like the sharp frosty intake of doom deep into the body, we stride manfully, and womanfully, across the hoar-encrusted field and on down towards the Accountancy Sheds. There to gaze in wonder upon the first year-end results of the new accounting period.

Still, young, delicate, their ink barely dry – this is a marvellous time for both Maureen and me – our breeding accountants have produced their first annual year-end tax returns. Even the delights of self-assessment pale into insignificance as we gaze in awed wonder, albeit with slightly itchy earlobes, on our young accountants cuddling and nuzzling their first real figures as they snuggle down against the chill of this winter morning, their calculators clutched tightly in their paws as they sleep and twitch and dream of double-entry.

[*WB Yeats – The Magi]

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Dairy Fresh Hot Strumpets

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If you wish to utilise only the finest butter for your hot buttered strumpets, then it stands to reason that you will need to visit your local dairy in order to get your hands on some farm-fresh butter before those very strumpets cool down.

As you know, if you make a habit of coming here and examining my organ in any depth, the village of Little Frigging has some of the most adept dairymaids of any quaint English rural village. To have one of those dairymaids serve you with a fresh pat of butter, straight from the churn is – indeed – to enjoy a deeply invigorating gourmet experience, second only to having you pickled onions handled by an expert in the fondling of shallots.

Furthermore, whilst at the dairy it is always useful to enquire if the dairymaids are offering any free samples. It is often very instructive to see the erotic uses a brace of dairymaids can put some farm-fresh cheddar to, and the kind of places they can secrete a cream cracker for your satisfaction.

Not only that, they will also help you to produce your very own fresh cream with a hands-on demonstration of their particular churning methods, not only that if you want it whipped, the dairymaids are more than willing to oblige.