Thursday, March 29, 2012

Theoretical Erotica

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Those of us with a vast… experience of the erotic arts and sciences will – of course – know that putting an assistant librarian (or - even better – two assistant librarians) in the same room together with have a myriad of erotic possibilities unfold before them, not often seen outside of some of our more considered solo-imaginings.

However, that is of nothing compared to any lady’s experience of applying pineapple rings to a fully-upstanding gentleman, especially if that woman is herself an experienced dairymaid with all the deft fingerings that following such a trade bestows upon its adherents.

However, some recent work in the theoretical aspects of the erotic arts and sciences at the University of Little Frigging has produced certain theories about the use of cucumber slices for enhancement of the erotic experience. As Einstein’s famous equation E=MC2 (where E= erotic potential, M= melon and C2 = a brace of cake shop manageresses) only a small amount of fruit or vegetable is enough to produce enough erotic potential for a more than satisfying dalliance. In Einstein’s case he used melon, but any comparable fruit or vegetable can be used, just as any other person or persons can replace the cake shop manageresses with out any significant loss of erotic potential (except in the case of MPs, of course).

This, of course, means that far more fruit and vegetables can be used for erotic purposes than has up to now been the case, thus leaving plenty left over for use as salad materials or mixed fruit salad for the village orgy half-time buffet table.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Erotic Uses of the Duffle Coat

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As spring hesitates into life all around us, there is – as usual for this time of year – a sense that the menfolk of Little Frigging can feel themselves (as they often do) starting to perk up a little, especially as the women of Little Frigging begin to shrug off their winter clothing, thus enabling a couple of points of interest to manifest themselves to the menfolk as those women breast the morning chills without benefit of duffle coat.

Obviously, for those of us well-versed in the erotic potentialities of the duffle coat, this is something of a quandary. However, we can comfort ourselves (as we often do) that the full force of the English summer will soon be upon us, necessitating the return of the duffle coat and – of those of us excited by the prospect – wellies as well.

For a certain sort of gentleman, of which I am proud to number myself among, there is nothing quite as erotic as a lady striding though the summer rain in nothing but a duffle coat and wellies, ready – and willing - to take you in hand and lead you to a bower for a quick pre-village hall orgy refresher course in the erotic possibilities inherent in inclement weather dalliances, of which I’m sure so many perusers of my organ are more than familiar.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Not Country Matters

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Now, it would be wrong for any admirer of my organ to come to the conclusion that we village-dwellers spend all our time indulging in the erotic arts and sciences at both a practical and theoretical level, leaving no time for other pursuits.

Apart from the twice-weekly village orgies and the occasional dalliances in haylofts, various hedgerows, the village library, the cake shop, hayricks, the post office, village hall and the occasional foray into the duck pond, we don’t all spend our time assisting each other out of our respective underwear in order to indulging in what the poet so-rightly called ‘country matters’.

No, sometimes a denizen of Little Frigging can go for as long as half-a-hour without engaging in a dalliance with another villager, which I’m sure you who are unfortunate enough to be ensconced in an urban environment will see as about average for such a well-dispersed rural area as in which Little Frigging resides.

I’m sure that if it were not such, say, a long tractor ride between the academic lounge at Little Frigging University and the milking sheds we would all spend much longer in the eager welcoming hands of the dairymaids than we have the time for at present.

No, we al have a wide variety of interests, hobbies and diversions that keep us busy and our minds far from the erotic possibilities of, say, the slide rule or the woolly balaclava for up to several minutes a day. So there is no need for anyone to worry that we may become obsessive in our pursuit of the delights of the rude and naughty.

Therefore, I would like to thank you for your concern, and now if you wouldn’t mind removing your clothes and joining the post mistress in the bath full of lukewarm custard, I will be with you in a moment.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Exploring the Bush

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There are many men who enjoy poking about in the bush (as do many ladies who prefer a sensible sort of shoe) and with that in mind UK television has just commissioned a six-part series presented by Little Frigging’s own expert on the bush, Wombat Fryingpans.

Wombat Fryingpans is well-known for his TV programmes and books on the art of exploring the bush and having a good root about in the undergrowth. Many young and inexperienced men often find themselves standing, tool in hand, not really knowing the best way to approach the bush, how to enter it and what to do once they get there; often emerging a few moments later after some haphazard messing about, limp and defeated. There are even some ladies, who despite their supposed natural affinity for the bush find that they lack the finesse of tongue and finger to bring about a successful climax to their dalliances in the bush

Therefore, Wombat Fryingpans’ How to Survive in the Bush is a must-see for anyone who has ever wanted to poke about in the bush and wondered what to do once they get there. Undoubtedly, by following his advice and studying his techniques far more people will find their experiences in the bush become far more satisfying to them and their partners as they – at last – reach the kinds of conclusions to their explorations that they thought were beyond them.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Village Hall Orgy Apprenticeship Scheme

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Although there is a lot to be said for youth, especially in the way their extremities do not tend to dangle in the dips at the village orgy half-time buffet table, for the person wishing to get the best from their explorations of the erotic arts and sciences, someone of more mature experience, someone of depth of wisdom and knowledge and a fine well-practised ease in the use of the sex spatulas is hard to beat*.

This is why we in the village hall orgy community (and it is a very close community, the closer the better) feel it is incumbent upon us older and wiser (and Old Feebletrousers too) participants to take the younger folk in hand to give them the benefit of our experience.

Of course, the University of Little Frigging does all that it can to impart as much knowledge, both theoretical and practical, of the erotic arts and sciences as it can, making sure that all students leave with a firm grasp of their essentials. However, there is nothing that beats practical experience on the job: as any plumber will tell you.

Therefore, once a student has graduated (with Honours) from the university they are offered a placement – often with their choice of positions – with an experienced village orgy participant who will show them the ropes; and the handcuffs and the whips and the feather (and for advanced students with a special interest in such things – the whole chicken), as well as giving them hands-on practical experience of all they have learnt, speculated and invented about the traditional of the village hall orgy.

In this way we hope that we can send our students out into the world as fully-rounded individuals who really know the correct way to approach a village post mistress with their sex spatulas at the ‘ready’ position without causing undue embarrassment to either party.

 

*Even if some of the gentlemen, of such an age, in question do sometimes find it harder than normal to get as hard as normal… so I’ve heard, anyway.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Fully-Bearded Folk Singers

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We have all – I’m sure – gazed with awe and wonder upon the spectacle of a fully-bearded folk singer as he (or she*) struggles manfully (or womanfully) with a wild accordion or feral banjo. Some of us may even have managed to survive the traditional folk-singer’s Ordeal by Cider, which they use to separate those that have the hollow legs necessary to become fully-fledged (or bearded) folk singers and those who lack the strength to stay upright when under attack from those vicious creatures the accordion and the banjo.

There are even some folk singers who have managed to overcome the guitar and even the violin – that savage creature that wails in pain when approached by a bow-wielding musician. Some say it is cruel for the folk singers to cause so much suffering to these poor creatures, but those people have never seen the damage that just one wild accordion or feral banjo can do to a herd of prime hairstylists or pedigree lawyers.

We rural folk rely on these traditions and the folk singers – made fearless by the quantities of cider they imbibe before staggering out on the stage to tame these vicious creatures – to keep us and our domesticated stock safe. Just think what our world would be like if the wild accordions and the feral banjos were allowed to run wild and free and what destruction they could wreak were they to get established in urban areas where no boy band, solicitor or travel agent would be safe to walk the streets at night in fear of being set upon by a pride of accordions or pack of banjos.

No, the folk singers do a wonderful and important job in keeping these vermin under control and must be allowed to continue with this vital work unimpeded by urbanites who just see these dangerous creatures as something natural and picturesque, rather then the vicious predators they are.

 

*As naturalists (and naturists) know, the difference between the male and female folk-singer lies in the position of the beard. The male has his beard permanently on display on the lower portion of the face, while the female wears a small goatee-style beard much lower down the body, and will only reveal it to an acquaintance once they have both consumed the requisite amount of cider for an attempt at mating to take place.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Spreading a Man’s Seed

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Once the days of spring bring about a slight touch of warmth to the rains of the English countryside, the thoughts of many a man turn – quite naturally – to the planting of his seed.

Even if he only has a smallholding, a man will want to spread his seed as far and wide as possible.

Obviously, once the spring arrives, the ladies of Little Frigging are always willing to help a man distribute his seed and will often help by making a receptive furrow for him, even if they have to struggle to achieve a good fit with his smallholding.

There are a number of men, and Little Frigging seems to contain a good many of them, who – on the other hand – have quite an impressive acreage and thus require the assistance of many of the Ladies of Little Frigging to ensure that their furrows are well filled with his seed.

There are even some – such as Grand Uncle Stagnant who have so much seed to spread around that he needs the assistance of a brace of dairymaids – with their milk jugs in the ‘ready’ or receiving position – in order to manage his copious outpourings of springtime seed.

So, if there are any lady admirers of my organ who fancy a weekend of good ploughing, or feel they could help a gentleman from Little Frigging to distribute his seed more widely, then they know when and where they can come.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Erotica for Women

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‘There is nothing quite as arousing to a woman in the prime of her life as seeing a proud upstanding gentleman waiting for her at the end of a winding country lane, dressed in nothing but his wellies and a bobble hat.’ I am sure that all the ladies currently perusing my organ will be nodding in agreement with these wise words penned by Little Frigging’s very own writer of erotica for the modern woman, Perusal Finger-Strokings, whose steamy tales of passion and rude doings have welded together many a woman’s knitting needles as the excitement of the story builds to a shuddering climax.

Those of you familiar with erotica for ladies will need no introduction to Perusal Finger-Strokings and her brand of no-holds bared writing where men are men, woman are woman and consequently the sheep manage to get some quality grazing time to themselves without having their back legs shoved down the inside of a pair of shepherd’s wellies without a moment’s notice.

Of course, being a writer of rude and naughty doings and living in Little Frigging means that Perusal Finger-Strokings is never short of material for her latest opus. For, if she ever needs a paragraph or two to round off a chapter, she can always count on Grand Uncle Stagnant to give her something memorable in the hayloft. If she requires something longer she can – of course – pay a visit to our village blacksmith - and volunteer fireman - Strom Thighhammer, who will, if she is ready to take a few things down, gladly demonstrate the use of his tool for her in the hot forge until she feels he has given her enough material to complete her research to her full satisfaction.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Rural Reinvigorations

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Obviously enough, if a proudly-upstanding gentleman wishes to partake of a milkshake then he should make haste to the milking shed and there allow himself to be taken in hand by a brace of dairymaids who will soon make sure he gets the full hands-on shake, something he will remember to the ends of his days.

I doubt if any of you gathered here to peruse my organ will attempt to gainsay, or even pooh-pooh such an observation, but there are some it seems, most likely those that find themselves entrapped in the dourness of the urban environment who would cast doubt upon the erotic nature of the rural environment and its environs.

However, as we all know, there is nothing like getting a few lungfuls of fresh air – ideally not downwind from either a farmer muck-spreading or Old Feebletrousers engaging in his annual sock-changing routine – to get the sap rising.

Therefore it is not unusual to see rural villagers out and about in the fields and meadows, all eager to take one another behind the hedgerows for a quick refresher on what can be best described as country matters, before getting back to going about whatever business it was they were previously engaged upon.

That is also why village hall orgies rarely start at the time advertised on the notice board by the village orgy steering committee, as usually participants have already met one another down some winding country lane and have taken each other in hand for a quick perk-me-up whilst on the way to the orgy.

It is not unusual to find that once the village orgy is underway, several of the participants have already marked each other’s orgy card and are often ready to move on to the half-time tea and cream cakes whilst others are still out in the vestibule struggling into their best orgy wellies.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Erotic Use of Sauces

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Right, I presume all the ladies gathered here to peruse my organ are intimately acquainted with the erotic possibilities of the leek, or for the dessert course the stick of rhubarb.

Of course, it goes without saying that the leek will need some cheese sauce and the rhubarb is incomplete without custard, but I’m sure that anyone with an interest in the erotic will already have both of these close at hand. Although, I would suggest that their containers be clearly labelled. After all no-one in their right mind, or even Old Feebletrousers – would want to have, say, an assistant librarian on the very cusp of achieving satisfaction only to destroy the mood completely by pouring cheese sauce over her rhubarb.

There are many, of course, who like to experiment on the further shores of the erotic possibilities of the erotic arts and sciences, but I would suggest that rhubarb and cheese sauce is a step too far – as for leek and custard…. Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if it led to questions in the Houses of Parliament, and -even accounting for the odd sexual proclivities of MPs, I doubt if one of those questions would be ‘Oooh, can I have a go?’

Well… most MPs….

Well… one or two MPs.

So, there you have it, and if you wouldn’t mind stroking it gently, we’ll see about waiting to see which of the matters arising comes to the top of the agenda for us to peruse next time.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Enlivening Village Hall Orgies

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No matter how exciting and innovative your twice-weekly village hall orgies usually are, there sometimes comes a time when it all seems to become a bit run-of-the-mill and routine. Some villages find that one-regular orgy goers have turned into come-and-goers, if they bother to turn themselves out for the orgy at all.

There are times when – hard (or not) as it may seem, the flesh nor the mind of regular patrons sometimes becomes no longer willing as they once were. They are even days when the chicken remains totally unperturbed, let alone bewildered.

However, some villages (not Little Frigging, of course) have managed to turn themselves around (and not just for the much-loved Full Reverse Dairymaid, Chips and Curry Sauce erotic undertaking) and reinvigorated all participants at their twice weekly villages orgies.

Surprisingly enough, the cure for this village orgy over-familiarity malaise is rather simple. All the village hall steering committee have to do, is introduce into the village orgies a well-buttered small rotund Welsh canteen manageress, preferably one with a high EU standard Filthesque rating (say about 8.745 shag and above) for the whole event to take on a new life and for the participants to feel themselves (and each other) once more with an alacrity not seen since their youth.

For such is the speed that a truly filthy (and – as we know – Welsh canteen manageresses are very filthy indeed) well-buttered canteen manageress from the valleys can achieve, she can work her way through a typical all-village orgy and totally re-invigorate all attendees in a single orgy evening; with all promising to come again as soon as they able, in order to enjoy her reinvigorating ministrations once again.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Sex Spatulas and Dexterity

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It goes without saying, although I fully intend to say it anyway, that any putative dalliance partner is bound to be impressed with anyone who can wield their sexual arousal spatulas with instinctual dexterity and confidence. There is nothing more off-putting – as we all know – than someone who does not know the true art of the sex spatula, especially someone who struggles to master even some of the most basic moves – such as the underarm self-basting manoeuvre.

It is disappointing to sit there in the bath as the custard cools and hardens around the neither regions while one’s putative dalliance partner gets their sex spatulas wedged under the loofah and then has to remove their flippers in order to dislodge the stuck spatulas.

Therefore it is always a good thing to learn to practice the basic manoeuvres of the sexual arousal spatulas – as with all things sexual – a lot on your own, first, before attempting to wield them in front of someone else.

As we should all remember from our youth it was much easier approaching a putative sexual partner with confidence if we had already made full use of the watermelon several times on our own in our bedrooms beforehand. It also helps to practice putting on one’s flippers and shin pads before venturing into a village hall orgy for the first time. There is nothing that gives away the neophyte village orgy goer as inaccurately-fitted shin pads and an askew flat cap.

So, remember – as with most things – practice makes perfect.

In fact, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go and brush up on my wallaby-grouting technique right now.

Good night.

Friday, March 9, 2012

The Importance of Pudding in an Erotic Context

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There has been some concerned in the Inter-Village Orgy community that some of the newer post-mistresses entering the sport are not fully custard-aware or even fully pudding-compatible.

Concerns have been raised that today’s more health-conscious young post mistresses are forgoing the erotic possibilities of the dessert in pursuit of a superficially more healthy diet. However, it seems that no-one has taken these young ladies in hand and explained that the full-on exertions of a complete Inter-Village orgy season need a robust constitution and having a healthy appetite for the culinary arts is almost a prerequisite for an appetite for the full panoply of the erotic arts and sciences.

As Grand Uncle Stagnant often mentions, a woman who lunches on a wilted lettuce leaf and a glass of water is going to be in no condition to enjoy the rigour of a long afternoon in the hayloft with him. This is especially the case if his bad back plays up again whilst they are engaged in the more boisterous erotic possibilities and deviations such as The Full-Reverse Ponygirl Girth adjustment or The Rugby Scrum and Lollipop Lady, both of which – obviously – need a great deal of familiarity with both custard and the warm apple crumble to be truly effective.

Therefore it behoves all ladies with an interest in the erotic arts and sciences to make sure they get a full serving of pudding whenever the chance comes up, for they never know when they will need the extra energy it provides.

It is also advisable for all who take the erotic arts and sciences seriously to start the day with a good breakfast. This is why my own dear wife, Maureen, always starts her day with a good serving of my own special porridge, which she says sets her up for the exertions of the day, up to and including taking on all-comers in an Inter-village Orgy team warm-up and practice session.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Old Feebletrousers and his Pork Sword

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It is sometimes hard to grasp these days (mainly because of the cold weather), but back in his day, Old Feebletrousers – much like Grand Uncle Stagnant was a fine upstanding gentleman, famous throughout the entire county of Upper Thyghspreader for his ability to balance a large pork pie on the end of his accomplishment whilst masticating. He called this particular trick his ‘Pork Sword’ and ladies from miles around would all hurry to see it as soon as they heard Feebletrousers had his pork sword out in the fields.

Young ladies from all the nearby villages would all rush to see him spreading out his picnic blanket in the Lower Upper Lower meadow. Once he had his hamper open, each young lady would vie with the others to be the one chosen to place the pork pie, hoping that Old (or as he was then – young) Feebletrousers would promise to give her some when the display was over.

Although they lived in the countryside, on or near farms, those were very impoverished times and the young ladies of the county were always looking out for a chance to get some pork inside themselves. Consequently, whenever there was a chance of getting their hands on the impressively large pork sword belonging to Young Feebletrousers, they were all eager to get their hands on it and take a chance of enjoying a good mouthful of it.

Alas though, time and tide wait for no man and these days Old Feebletrousers can no longer carry the full weight of a proper pork pie. Sometimes, with the assistance of an assistant librarian or a brace of dairymaids he can achieve some success balancing a small packet of pork scratchings on it, but even then he needs one of the ladies to hold him firm in order for the others to sample what was – in its heyday – one of the best pork swords in Little Frigging.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Village Fireman’s Pole

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Many, if not all, the ladies in the village of Little Frigging have benefited from the attentions of Strom Thighhammer, the village volunteer fireman, and blacksmith, whenever they call on him to assist them. Usually, it is to assist them out of their clothing in the hot back room of the forge, or whenever the ladies fancy a go on his fireman’s pole over at the fire station.

In return, the ladies are always more than willing to give a bit of spit and polish to Strom’s helmet, especially if he is about to display it in public. There are often a couple, or more, of the village ladies found each day in the fire station buffing up Strom’s pole and to make it stand out and to give a good smooth ride to every lady wishing to use it.

Such is the popularity of Strom with the ladies of the village that he only has to call and they are all willing to drop everything at a moment’s notice in order for him to achieve a mutually-beneficial satisfying conclusion.

All this is mainly the fact that Strom himself is rather well-built in the gentleman’s region. In fact, the local lumberjacks have often used him as a guide to select the trees they will sell as telegraph poles and to cut the trunks to the required size.

What is more, several of the ladies of the village are always keen to go with Strom whenever he visits the lumberjacks up in the Little Frigging forest to bring those hard working men some womanly comforts as they struggle manfully with their huge choppers and their thick, long, hard wood.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Mathematics and the Erotic Arts and Sciences

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There are some who pooh-pooh the importance of learning maths, especially when these days the ubiquity of computers means that it is possible for them to do everything. This goes from miscalculating a gas bill through snarling up an entire traffic system and losing several important documents somewhere in the bowels of a massive hard disk right up to emailing the entire contents of your Gentleman’s Special Interests folder to a nunnery in Droitwich. All of which can be achieved without anyone needing to take their socks off in order to do the necessary sums.

However, some mathematical ability is always useful, right up to feeling confident enough in your geometrical ability to organise a full all-village synchronised orgy using only a protractor and a slide-rule. A vital skill if you are to achieve the optimum satiation of the assistant librarians by them being in position to receive the full effect of a rampant Strom Thighhammer without the audience’s view becoming obstructed by an errant elbow or the sight of Old Feebletrousers masticating furiously over by the buffet table.

These days too, with calculators available everywhere, there seems to be little need for a gentleman to always have his booklet of four-figure logarithmic tables on hand for some of the more mathematically-exacting perversions such as Gödel’s Incompleteness Orgy, or calculating the exact placement of the melon in Hilbert Space. Nor, even, does a gentleman need to check his pencil is sharp enough to calculate that his hypotenuse is at the correct angle to receive a fully-aroused postmistress.

This is why the University of Little Frigging feels that it has no option but to offer a foundation level course in mathematics for the perverse arts and sciences for all new students in the forthcoming academic year.

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Free Elbow and its Uses

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It is not easy to recalibrate your sexual arousal spatulas out in the field, especially if there is a strong north-easterly blowing, which plays havoc with the erogenous zones of your dairymaids and makes buttering the weasel even slightly more problematical than the norm.

Although, it must be said, Big Norm is far better at this than Little Norm, mainly by the cunning way he keeps the dairymaids in the ‘ready’ position by deft use of the free elbow.

This use of the free elbow is, to what remains of my mind, an area that has not – up until now – achieve what I feel is its rightful position in the panoply of the perverse arts and sciences.

The free elbow, and – on those occasions that warrant it – the spare knee, should by out of those arts of the perverse that should be taught to every neophyte perverteer at the earliest opportunity*.

This is why we have decided that from the start of the next Little Frigging academic year (which usually begins when it is warm enough for the cows not to need their shed in the daytime); we will be introducing a fully-accredited Foundation Course on the erotic uses of the elbow. Already there has been strong interest from putative students, despite the sometimes-prohibitive cost of bespoke trainee sexual arousal spatulas for the novice***.

 

*The earliest opportunity – ideally long enough after afternoon tea, but before the good** programmes come on the telly.

**Yes, I know, but there is sometimes one good programme on, occasionally, but NEVER before nine o’clock at night.

***i.e. – complete with training wheels.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

World Inter-Village Orgy Cup Travails

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When called upon, we gentlemen of Little Frigging are always ready to thrust ourselves forward, proud and ready to assist any village lady overcome herself and come to a satisfactory conclusion of her travails. It is, we feel, as perverteers of (very) good standing always to be on hand to assist any lady who needs to achieve satiation whenever she feels the need for satisfaction.

However, unfortunately, it does seem that there are some men (not deserving the epithet of fine upstanding gentleman) who feel that the lady’s satisfaction is of little or no consequence. We have even heard such nowadays shocking views put forward in some of the more backward undressing rooms on Inter-Village orgy match days. No wonder our national game is in such crisis, with the England national Inter-Village Orgy team managing to score only one multiple orgasm and a slightly bewildered chicken in the last seven of its matches. Most pundits have come (often with a little hands-on help from their training assistants) to the conclusion that the national team stands little chance – and, it seems, some team members have little chance of standing too – in the forthcoming World Inter-Village Orgy Cup. This is a very sad outlook, indeed, for the country that invented the sport of Inter-Village Orgies.

Therefore it would seem that the nation needs far more perverteers of good standing to thrust themselves forwards and put themselves into the hands of the selectors in order that we can have a national Inter-Village Orgy team we can all support when the next World Cup comes around.