Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Inter-Village Orgies for the Newcomer

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For some new to the sport the tactical ebb and flow of a Inter-Village Orgy match can sometimes be bewildering, especially at the speeds the game is played at the higher levels.

Sometimes, it takes many matches, possibly even a season or more for a spectator to fully appreciate why the chicken is suddenly bewildered, or why the umpire gets blown for what seems like a perfectly legal underarm free-fondle in the opposition’s lower half.

The newcomer (please bring your own tissues) to watching an Inter-Village competitive orgy, especially in the Premiership (Sponsored by Splodge & Sons - Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789)) can often be confused by the use of the punt from the rear, especially when the first quarter of the second third of the first half is in injury time, perhaps due to an outbreak of itchy knee due to overuse of the flankers down the wings (this is one of the main reasons for the chicken to become bewildered as it didn’t know that its possible to do that with its wings).

However, after coming the first few times, most neophyte spectators always seem to come again and again for there is nothing quite as invigorating as seeing a champion scorer, such as our own Strom Thighhammer giving his all to the opposition’s defenders as he takes them by surprise from the rear to score a multiple orgasm in the dying seconds of the final quarter of the third half to propel his team to victory, leaving the opposition exhausted and often just as bewildered as the chicken.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Getting it out in the Open

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Often, it is said that to become an expert, or even merely adept, a man must become familiar with his tool. Many men take this advice to heart and will practice assiduously with their tool at every available opportunity.

This is, of course, all well and good, as research has shown that practice makes perfect, or, at least, more acceptable levels of failure.

However, no matter how much a man practices alone, unless he is a collector of mint-condition popular culture memorabilia, he will one day want to take his tool out into the world and try it out under real world conditions, out in the field – as it were.

A field is - of course - a good place to start. A field is a good place to get the feel of things out in the open, providing the field, that is, is one not overly inhabited by domesticated livestock, who often leave a great deal of evidence of their passing and make rather a critical-seeming audience for those first fumbling attempts to get it out into the open.

At this point, and if it is not proudly at point then a little bit more solitary practice at home may be called for, it is wise to have some lady of experience: a cake shop manageress, post mistress, assistant librarian, or even a brace of dairymaids can all be recommended for these first few fumbling attempts as they all have a great deal of experience of assisting a man in becoming adept at his tool handling and the other necessary skills that denote full maturity in this – or indeed any other – field.