Sunday, November 3, 2013

Accident and Emergency

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There is always the chance that during a weekday – or, especially - a weekend orgy in the village hall, that someone may suffer an injury. This is particularly the case when the pogo sticks are in use, or the nipple clamps get a little rusty around the hinges. That is why our village doctor, Minnie Strayshuns, and her practice nurse, Pam Purring, are always available to anyone throughout the entire orgy. They are there on the scene for minor ailments such as a stubbed toe, which they can treat on the spot. But they are also able to assist with more serious complaints such as the dreaded itchy knee.

Minnie Strayshuns and Pam Purring are always more than ready to lay their hands on any gentleman's predicament and to offer a helping hand or oral relief to any lady in need of aid to bring herself to fulfilment.

Of course, for more serious injuries there is always the local ambulance service. They are able to take an injured orgy-goer to the A&E department at Titten-Growper General Hospital. For example, Old Feebletrousers, last weekend, did not look both ways before attempting to pole-vault over some villagers engaged in a game of Naked Twister at one end of the village hall. He incautiously placed the end of his pole in a pool of excess baby oil, thus causing him to crash into the half-time buffet table and seriously compromised his baguette.

However, the ambulance crew stopped off at The Pervert's Appendage, on the way to the hospital on Old Feebletrouser's insistence that he needed a little pick-me-up. They emerged seven hours later from the snug of The Pervert's Appendage into the car park. However, neither of the ambulance crew could remember the way to the hospital. Nor could they remember which of the three ambulances they could see in the pub car park was the one they'd arrived in. SO they decided to return to the snug and await rescue. Eventually, when the pub ran out of beer they were able to return to what now resembled the single ambulance they’d arrived in. Thus they were then able to take Old Feebletrousers to the A&E department where he was pronounced a miracle of evolution and taken to the Upper Thyghspreader Wildlife Park, where he is now a major visitor attraction there.

This just goes to show the importance of always having medical staff in the vicinity when about to engage in anything more strenuous than making a cup of tea.

Friday, September 27, 2013

The All-New Perversion Proximity Detector App

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There is good news for anyone who no longer wishes to suffer the inconvenience of searching for a nearby orgy. Now there is no more suffering undue frustration whilst wandering around with their tool clutched in their hand (or for more advanced orgyists – with their tool in someone else’s hand). Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have announced that from next month their famous Perversion proximity detector – once a hand-held tool - will be released as a mobile phone app.

The original tool was a must-have for any putative orgy-goer who found themselves in an unfamiliar location without a nearby orgy available to them. Or even for them to discover the whereabouts of the nearest local orgy without garnering any undue attention.

Some of us of more advanced years will – no doubt – recall the original hand-held Perversion proximity detectors. Remembering just how unwieldy they were with their seven aerials, the flexible moistness-sniffer and the rather loud naughtiness meter. Not forgetting, of course, the lewdness warning-lights that often lit up an entire village High Street when detecting someone wearing a snorkel while preparing a watermelon for an intimate encounter.

The wonders of technological innovation and miniaturization have moved on apace in this field. Splodge & Sons produce other similar devices in nearby fields (sometimes literally as with the SheepMate bovine compatibility detector). First Splodge & Sons produced a range of devices that could easily fit first the rucksack, and latterly the pocket or handbag – depending on mode of dress and/or undress.

Now, though, they’ve reduced the whole device to a mere app on one’s mobile phone. The app can detect a village hall orgy night from up to three valleys away. It also introduces you to any interested sheep in the fields between your position and the village hall, if you so desire.

Not only that, in the poor benighted regions of this once-great land which do not have a village hall, the app will give you a pointer towards the nearest local orgy. Up to and including any dalliance taking place on municipal premises, or behind a large hedge.

All in all then this is – I feel – one of the apps, along with the new Android version of SheepMate, which will be very useful to the orgyist. Especially one, who – for whatever reason – finds themselves in a strange place and in need of the familiar comforts of a local orgy. This app enables them to proceed without having to waste most of the evening in fruitless enquiries that leave them bereft of the friendly companionship they desire.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Pride of Little Frigging

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There was a time – of course – when Grand-Uncle Stagnant was the pride of Little Frigging. It was a time long ago now. It was a time lost in the mists of Grand-Uncle Stagnant’s memory. Unfortunately, it is a memory, which over the years has become something of a hit-and-miss affair. Especially when trying to recall the affairs of his youth.

These days he sometimes even has trouble remembering the names of whichever brace of dairymaids have volunteered to get him up in the mornings. Although, as Grand-Uncle Stagnant often points out, he – even at his rather advanced age – still has no trouble getting up in the morning. It is a feat which – no doubt – accounts for the alacrity with which the dairymaids volunteer to assist him in the mornings. All of them know that he will give them something well-worth remembering. Especially over the next few days as they stumble out to bring in the cows for their early morning milking.

In days gone by, many a man would be more than grateful for the deft fingerings of the dairymaids as they helped him arise first thing in the mornings. A dairymaid experienced in hand-milking a herd of cows can soon, with a few deft manoeuvrings of her digits, get a man to rise to the peak of his ability. No matter how well-refreshed he was the previous evening.

It is this early morning manipulation of his aged extremities by the dairymaids that Grand-Uncle Stagnant insists is responsible for his sprightliness, even at his advanced age. Unfortunately, no-one knows Grand-Uncle Stagnant’s exact age. It is a number that has defeated the mathematical abilities of some of the greatest computational devices in the modern world to calculate, at least using normal mathematical procedures.

Those of us too who have felt the welcoming hands of the dairymaids upon us in our hour of need would – I’m sure – be more than willing to attest to their remarkable reinvigorating powers. We all hope they continue to pass down the secrets of their calling to future generations of dairymaids. Even though in these days of mechanical milking machines, their abilities are no longer needed for their original purposes – or – in more specialised costal milking sheds – their original porpoises.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Perversion for the Beginner

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Providing that spring cabbage is in season, there is no reason why you shouldn't introduce one to help liven up a sex life that has become run-of-the-mill or mundane. However, we would suggest you reserve the use of the turnip for when the two (or more) of you have become used to becoming sexually aroused while in the near vicinity of vegetables. This is of Particular importance if you are in a supermarket or greengrocers at the time. However, as most Farmers' Markets take place in a rural, or semi-rural, setting you are more than welcome to grab a feel of a courgette from a farmer's market stall. Those of a curious bent are also welcome to take a firm grasp of the farmer's plums, should you so wish.

However, you should exercise extreme caution when approaching a putative perverting partner with the accordion for the first time. Especially if you are incautious with the accordion's bellows mechanism near any exposed extremities. However, the flippers and bobble hat make an ideal introduction to perversion, especially if the lady (or ladies) involved are capable of knitting their own bobble hats and fetish leg warmers in readiness for the occasion.

The neophyte perverteer should practise caution when approaching a man or woman in uniform. Sometimes these may not be wearing the uniform as a form of sexual arousal, but as part of their day job. So – except for structural engineers and geography teachers, of course – always make discreet enquires about their line of work before attempting to - say – place a mackerel fillet on their inner thigh.

Apart from that always carry a bottle of freshly-ground badger spleen oil and disport your sex spatulas (in the 'ready' position, of course) and go out there and be as perverse as you like (except on Tuesday mornings, obviously).

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

50 Shades of Gravy

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Obviously, when laying an assistant librarian on a bed of shredded cabbage, before applying the carrots it is advisable to consider which would be the best shade of gravy to have in your ladle in readiness.

As we all know, gravy comes in many different flavours, mostly – except in the case of the transport café – bearing some relationship to the main ingredients used in the making of the gravy. Each of which will have its own distinctive colour, from the dismal miasmic grey of the fabled seaside boarding house of yore, right up to the rich deep almost mirror-like browns of the high-end gravy-eating experience found in top restaurants.

Of course, one should always consider obtaining the gravy with the taste and flavours most likely to bring out the best in your assistant librarian, or as with the case with vegetable stock – your supply geography teacher (remembering, of course, that in such cases the carrots should always be replaced by parsnips).

The village hall weekend orgy, many of us feel (as it were), would not be the same without the traditional English basting of the assistant librarian, up on the High Altar – next to the buffet table. So, it behoves us all to make sure that not only is the gravy of a complementary flavour for the particular assistant librarian we intend to ladle it over, we must also make sure that the gravy itself is of a colour and shade that brings out the best in our assistant librarian (or if including the vegetarian option – our supply geography teacher. This is why Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have released this handy colour chart showing all the fifty available shades of erotic all-purpose* gravy they produce. Therefore, now we can all get the exact shade of gravy we need to show off our recumbent assistant librarians to their best advantage at every village hall weekend orgy, as nature intended.

*The Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) range of all-porpoise gravies and naughty nautical sauces is beyond the scope of this article. However details of all the gravies and sauce can be found in the appendix to the catalogue.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Common Law

Several (at the latest count – nearly one) of my interlocutors have expressed surprise - and wonder - at the point I raised recently in the snug of The Pervert's Appendage. However, putting that to one side, where it rests easily against the inner thigh, I would like to take an opportunity to discuss England's great tradition of Common Law.

First – obviously, it will be necessary make sure that we are in a lawyer-free zone, and there is no chance of any lawyer coming within earshot. Thus making us liable to pay the fees that any lawyer naturally incurs by being in the vicinity of a non-lawyer.

As Maureen often attests, however, I am as common as muck and consequently – as a male of the species – regard myself as an expert on a multitude of matters. Despite having – at best – little more than a passing acquaintance with their intricacies and foibles. One of those matters is of course the common law.

I spend a great deal of time out on the common, often on my own, or sometimes taking the Little Frigging Inter-Village orgy squad out for a training session. Therefore, I do know a lot about the law relating to the common, and especially such matters as grazing one's sheep, or even hairstylist, on common land. As well as the legal liabilities incumbent on anyone who – accidentally or otherwise – backs a postmistress into a thicket, pollarding with a pair of assistant librarians in a manner likely to case severe curtailment of a police officer's tea break and secreting in a post mistress's bush without due care and attention, also how to avoid getting on the wrong side of a woodsman’s chopper.

Speaking of the common and the law naturally leads us onto the vexed subject of dogging and other related matters. But as long as you keep your dogging partner(s) on a lead, then the law cannot touch you, although several wild lawyers may take photographs. However, as long as they keep at a distance you should be spared any unfortunate outpourings of litigation as long as you keep to the designated areas.

Mind how you go.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Pride and Perversion

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a large endowment must be in want of an eager village hall orgy partner.

Of course, this, Jane Austen's original opening to the first version of her Pride and Perversion novel was very different indeed to the version later published as Pride and Prejudice.

Back in those days, of course, the village hall orgy was a much more regimented affair, especially when the local militia attended. The more formal orgies of those times were very much demarcated by rigid class boundaries. Which, in the case of rural village orgies, meant erecting a large fence across the village hall to keep the rude peasantry away from their betters (at least officially, anyway). As contemporary sources do indicate – and recent historical ground-breaking research by the Historical Perversions Faculty at the University of Little Frigging has proved – there was far more intercourse between the various strata of society in those days. Much more than we have been led to believe by those who would wish us to see the class-structure of society as somehow impermeable and immutable.

For example, in this version of Pride and Perversion, Elizabeth is very much attracted to the local blacksmith. Especially when she sees him stripped for his annual bath in the village duckpond and is overawed by the size of his endowment.

All in all, then this original version of Pride and Perversion is pretty much a standard novelistic plot. That is until the blacksmith, Darcy, offers to take Elizabeth up the Northanger Abbey. Whereupon, she drops the watermelon in a fit of the vapours and then requires a large amount of Persuasion before she eventually consents to marry and thus live happily ever after with Darcy at his forge.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Pirates and Perversions

Sometimes, hard as it may seem (and I know it does seem quite firm at the moment), there comes a time when the denizens of Little Frigging look for something beyond the usual village orgies and seek out something a bit more unusual.

Themed orgies have a long and distinguished history. For some reason, never adequately explained, people love to dress up in costumes they would not normally wear, and then – some time later – take them all off again.

Consequently, one of the annual favourites in the Little Frigging orgy calendar is Pirate Perversions Night, usually undertaken around this time every year, when the denizen of Little Frigging dress up as pirates, and engage in all manner of pirate and privateer-related perversions, deviations and erotic encounters up to and including splicing the mainbrace.

Of course, the naked and blindfolded walking the plank into a large vat of trifle – usually lightly sprinkled with a handful of pre-custarded assistant librarians is always very popular.

Other such pirate-based perversions, such as Fifty Men on a Cake Shop Manageress's Chest are also quite popular, as is spending your doubloons on a recumbent post mistress.

The treasure map where the treasure chest is marked with an X is always one perversion the Villagers are more than eager to partake in, especially when they have to fully explore the contours of the chest in order to locate the spot marked with the X.

Not only that, in the role-play corner of the Village Hall, the ladies of Little Frigging never seem to get enough of Long John Silver – usually of course played by our very own village Blacksmith Strom Thighhammer who has very much made the part his own.

Not to mention Yo-Ho-Ho and a Brace of Dairymaids, which, so long as the parrot always freely consents, is a magnificent way to round off the evening, especially after the last of the rum ration has been quaffed by Grand Uncle Stagnant.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Erotic Uses of the Cucumber

Of course, one of the most important erotic uses of the cucumber in a village hall orgy setting, is – obviously – as a filling for the half-time sandwiches. A function for which the cucumber is also admirably suited during an inter-village competitive orgy whenever the teams change ends, and need a fillip, before returning to the fray.

Obviously, a frayed cucumber is of little use either to a competitive orgy team, or during a village hall orgy, so please make sure of the integrity of your cucumber before proceeding.

It goes without saying that some of the village ladies like to get their hands on the cucumber – and similar proportioned fruit and vegetables such as the leek or courgette (or for more experienced ladies – the marrow) - before they are sliced for the sandwiches, or for whatever purpose the aforementioned other fruit and vegetables are prepared, mainly to ensure that the cucumber is of a length, girth and firmness suitable for the purposes they wish to put it to.

However, recent studies at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the cowshed at Trouser Quandary small holding), have proved to the satisfaction of those who studied the phenomena, that a cucumber that has been tested to destruction by the ladies – or those gentlemen who take an interest in musical theatre – are of little use when it comes to making those vital cucumber sandwiches. Consequently, the research team recommend that the cucumbers for the sandwiches - and other such fruit and vegetables like bananas for example – be kept out of the way of those ladies until well after the half-time sandwiches – or other food items - have been prepared, for there is nothing more frustrating in a village hall to find yourself with the baps for a sandwich in hand and nothing to put between them.

You have been warned.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Use of the Watermelon in a Village Hall Orgy Context

Even so, people these days do not seem to be aware of just how much things have changed since the introduction of the watermelon to the village orgy. Back in the immediate post-war years, of course, the village orgy – like so many other things in British society – was still suffering from the deprivations of the war, including rationing and shortages.

Of course, the ingenuity of wartime orgy-goers had produced many erotic uses for tinned spam and powdered eggs, up to and including the ARP Early-Warning Rear-Entry Surprise that delighted many a war-time orgy-going lady while her husband or lover was at the front.

However, a common complain in the post-war years was the lack of bananas and other such exotica, up to and including the watermelon. The soldiers returning from foreign parts, of course, did bring back with them some very interesting foreign perversions, especially those utilising captured German sauerkraut and others such as the French Onions String-Out or even the Japanese Kimono Undertakings that could leave even a Samurai warrior with his weapon limp in his hand.

However, it was not until the mid-sixties that that now staple of the rural village hall orgy – the watermelon – made its way to these shores, something that we should all be grateful for as we prepare our shin-pads and snorkels and grasp the watermelon in readiness as we approach the post-mistress at our usual mid-week village hall orgies.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Sex Spatula Manipulation and the Modern Age

Back in the days of yore, of course, a knight would often show the lady of his choice the full length of his lance before asking for her favour. These days at the mid-week orgy in the local village hall, things are not all that dissimilar. However – especially those as (nearly) well-blessed, such as our own Strom Thighhammer – it ill behoves anyone to reveal something of such a length in the relatively close confines of the village hall, especially with the cost of repairing damaged light fittings, and the health and safely concerns that necessitate someone erecting safety barriers around it and the placing of a hazard warning light on its end.

Still, though, these days, a gentleman always has the dexterity with which he can wield his sex spatulas as a way of impressing the ladies there present at his local village orgy. This is of course why a young man should always be given his sex spatulas as soon after reaching adulthood as possible. So, by the time he has grown to that point that males ever get towards maturity, he knows how to wield his sex spatulas in mixed company without creating any undue distress in any nearby woodland mammals that have – however inadvertently – wandered into the near vicinity of the village hall on orgy night.

Of course, it is better that a young man be taken under the wing (if her fetish costume does include wings of course) of an experienced older lady who can demonstrate to him some of the finer points of sex spatula manipulation in a full-on village orgy setting. Luckily, we here in Little Frigging have Maureen, my own dear wife, along with many other well-experienced ladies, who are always more than willing to help out any neophyte along those first few sex spatula wieldings on the road to full manhood.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Taking the Proffered Item

Of course, taking any proffered pineapple before it has been prepared by the volunteers providing the catering at your local village hall orgy can sometimes be somewhat of an enlightening experience, especially if it is offered up in the wrong direction*.

However, the well-seasoned (ideally with a liberal coating of olive oil**) village orgy-goer, will be well used to unexpected items appearing throughout the village orgy experience. This is especially true if the village is home to those particular ladies who enjoy a good rummage through the box of provided devices available – usually – by the door as you enter the hall, as well as those all too familiar items displayed on the hall’s dildo rail for the convenience of all attendees.

It should always be stressed however, that all such devices, implements, items of fruit, small furry animals (and – of course – politicians) should be thoroughly cleaned after use and before replacing them in the device box, dildo rail, fruit dish or holding pen, for the convenience and peace of mind of other village hall orgy attendees who want to make use of the aforesaid items too.

*What is – indeed – the wrong direction for any individual will, of course, depend upon their personal proclivities.

**Of course, coating a Liberal in olive oil is something best left for those who enjoy the cut and thrust of political perversions, up to and including the stuffing of the ballot box and losing their deposits.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Kneading the Cake Shop Manageress

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Of course, any gentleman who feels that he is in danger of not rising to the occasion should immediately – or as fast as the village hall orgy timetable allows – put himself firmly (or not, as is often the case) in the hands of the village cake shop manageress, whose expert kneading ability will soon have him standing proud once more. Obviously, though, it is only common courtesy for the gentleman then to test the integrity of his predicament, by offering the cake shop manageress the opportunity to prove his first rising. Although, in more difficult circumstances, the aforesaid gentleman may need to take some quality time testing the firmness of the cake shop manageress's baps before he achieves the fullness of his potential.

It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, that occasionally all gentlemen – except my good self, of course) will experience some difficulty rising to the occasion. This is especially so in the heated atmosphere of the village hall orgy where sometimes the ladies present will discuss amongst themselves the relative merits of their putative and/or previous orgy partners. It can, therefore, be rather daunting for a gentleman to put himself forward to the next partner marked on his orgy card when following another gentleman whose prowess makes the aforesaid first gentleman only too aware of his own shortcomings, especially if the lady herself shows disappointment, or the man finds himself overshadowed by that lady's previous orgy partner.

Still, though, it behoves us all as men of the world, or at least this bit of it, to do our best, no matter what, if only to give the lady herself something to remember us by*, even if it is only through matters arising.

 

*Or – as in many cases – blame us for.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Trifling with the Affections

Of course, every fully-upstanding eroticician or perverteer knows of the erotic delights of the pudding from merely trifling with someone's affections right up to and including the Pineapple Inquiry.

It goes without saying however, that if you should wish to trifle with someone's affections you should make sure that the trifle itself spends sometime out of the fridge before applying it to one's partner’s (or partners') affections. As is well known the affections are very sensitive and it behoves any eroticician of the first rank to make sue that one's partners in the erotic enterprise, shenanigan or doings is fully aware of – and consents to – what is about to take place. Which also means you should always warm your spoon up first too, unless the aforesaid partner, or partners, is the sort that enjoys a cold spooning. This is something I think I can safely say many of us do indeed enjoy, especially on a warm summer's evening at the village hall weekend orgy.

Still, one should also be aware of the dangers of the overly-warm pudding too. For nothing cools the ardour more than the sudden unwarranted application of some over-heated custard to the gentleman's region. So any lady wishing to have custard with her spotted dick would be well-advised to make sure the custard is not too hot before dipping her ladle.

As for the treacle tart, it is only polite to make sure you have licked off all the treacle before she attempts to get dressed at the end of the proceedings as a overly-sticky nether garment can become rather uncomfortable, especially if one has to take the long way home due to a traffic jam of post-orgy wheelbarrows taking the somewhat overcome orgy-goers home at the end of their evening exertions.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Strom Thighhammer – at Full Length

Well, she had the tambourine and I had the ukulele, so it was all set to be one of the more interesting 'show and tell' evenings at the village hall, especially when we had the courgette already oiled and coming to room temperature for the hands-on event at the end of our demonstration.

Of course, there are some traditionalist who look upon the importation of such things as the 'show and tell' event from the Colonies as a dilution of all that is great and good about the traditional English rural village hall. However, those of us less bound by tradition – despite the long British tradition of enjoying being bound in erotic circumstances - do feel there is much still to be learnt about the width and variety, of erotic experience, not to mention the length.

Speaking of length, naturally leads us on to a similar talk – given last month – by our very own Strom Thighhammer. It was a talk of such depth, penetration and erudition that some of the ladies had to be wheelbarrowed home afterwards, still more than overcome by Strom's very deep plumbing of the subject.

Strom, as is well known, is quite capable of going to greater lengths than normal, even in the cold of an English rural winter. Despite which, several of the ladies of the Little Frigging Knitting Circle immediately planned to join forces to knit Strom a winter warmer of a suitable length to keep his extremities from damage by frost, especially as the rather heavy snow fall left him in danger of having to drag himself through some of the deeper drifts around the cake shop.

The rest of us just hope the country has enough wool in stock.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Sticking Together

Of course, it is not that unusual for a lady of Little Frigging to find herself without a partner for either the mid-week or weekend all-village orgy in the village hall. This is not normally any great cause for concern as not only are there many fine upstanding gentlemen who are more than willing to offer a pointer to a lone lady, there are many other women - perhaps mindful that they may one day be in a similar situation - who will gladly offer their sister a hand, or sometimes even oral consolation. Not only that the Strap-on Sisters themselves will always be willing to provide whatever stimulation and comfort they can to anyone seemingly bereft of satiation and feeling somewhat empty inside.

Some neophytes do find themselves quite surprised at the generally supportive atmosphere in most village orgies – for obvious reasons I am omitting certain villages - that will remain nameless - from this general situation, for there are some places where a single lady in want of a good seeing-to is regarded with utmost suspicion by other ladies who fear the gentlemen present may not be as fully satisfied by themselves as should be the case in any normal rural village.

Of course, back in the olden days, when everything was in black and white, there was far less intercourse even between neighbouring villages, let alone between the relative strangers and distant places that is now the case. In those days then, it was incumbent upon all villagers to come together as often as possible – hence the invention of the village hall orgy – in order to keep the mutual fellow feeling that is – we would like to believe – the glue that keeps us all, throughout such villages as this, sticking together.

Certainly, we do like to believe that there is something in the twice-weekly village hall orgy that does make everyone in Little Frigging stick together.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Taking the Back Door

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On hearing that the Strap-On sisters up at the Manor House had just received a delivery of the new season's devices from Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) and were in need of giving those products a full testing, my own dear wife: Maureen, suggested that they knock on my back door to see if I could accommodate them.

Of course, at first, I was more than a little reluctant, especially when I saw the size of the undertakings they were presenting to me.

However, the Sisters do have rather forceful personalities and soon had me in a position where I could not refuse the full force of their argument, especially when they pressed it upon me until I opened up for them to press home their points.

I must say that, despite my initial misgivings and hesitations, I did come to appreciate all that the sisters offered me when partaking of their testing procedures and now I must admit that I do feel a certain absence inside, a hollowness within me, that I know the sisters will do their utmost to fulfil when we next should meet.

Providing I don't see them coming first.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Boating and the Erotic Arts and Sciences

As an island nation, the British have always felt at home on the water, even those of us in the rural heartland a long way from the sea, like to spend a warm summer afternoon on the river: poling a punt, getting our oar in and impressing, say, as assistant librarian with the flexibility of our rowlocks.

However, there are some who enjoy their perversions on the high seas, despite the danger of having one's spinnaker half-shafted. For example, my dear wife Maureen herself likes nothing better than getting all at sea with a brace of matelots in the scuppers, although she also likes hanging around on the docks hoping for some rough handling by a bunch of well-greased dockers.

There are some who like nothing better than getting hands on a few of the more unusual rudder deviations and like nothing more than getting a cake shop manageress down in their cockpit where they can pore over a chart or two together and enjoy that most erotic of ship-board delights such as listening to the shipping forecast, especially when there is a chance of a backing south-easterly in Cromarty, or for the more advanced perverteer – a slight or moderate Dogger.

Also, for those who enjoy rough sex there is no greater delight than to be tossed by the ocean waves or blown by a Gail.

However, for those who like water-sports, there are a number of perversions that will more than satisfy their thirst for such experiences, especially when the water skis are utilised to further one's need to enjoy riding the waves at speed, especially whilst wearing a wet suit.

However, they should not attempt to wear the traditional bowler hat with the suit as it has been known to annoy the guillemots.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The Inter-Village Orgy of Yore

Of course, back in the early days of Grand Uncle Stagnant's inter-village orgy career the game was very different to the event we know and love today.

Back in those days, for example, it was regarded as rather ungentlemanly for a player to wear shin pads, especially during the Ladies' Excuse Me, or even when the opposition had full possession of both the chicken and the marital aids (as they were then known).

Back then it was certainly possible for a lady to be sent for an early bath if she showed more then a glimpse of ankle during the penalty grope awarded for being caught offside without a parasol, especially if the umpire had a new bottle of bubble bath he needed to sample.

However, the half-time pork pie still exists as a dressing room staple – and, of course - dressing room staples are quite useful for any alterations to the team sheet, or tactical notes, needed when faced with an unexpectedly stiff opposition, especially in the rear defensive ends.

Back in those days too, the balls used to be much heavier – hence the use of wheelbarrows on the pitch by the gentlemen more well-blessed in this area as they raced down the wing ready to receive the full attention of the full centre half -forward backs in the scrum.

Back in those days too, the penalty shoot-out was unknown as a way of resolving a match that ended in a tie at full time, especially during the inter-village orgy cup. Drawn matches in those days had to be replayed until a result which favoured one team or the other was achieved, even when there was no-one left standing on the pitch and all the lubricant had been used.

Good old days, indeed!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Sex-Spatula and History

Of course, hard as it is (and I hope that the one(s) you have access to are as hard as they should be) to believe in these days of openness and honesty, there was a time in the - not too – distant past when the sex spatula was looked upon as something beyond the pale.

We, looking back at those times, can often find it difficult to empathise with such attitudes, knowing as we now do of the boundless opportunities for enhancement of one's erotic proclivities the humble sex spatula can bring about, and that is even before one had mastered the deft nimbleness of the wrist that marks the true master (and/or mistress) of the sex spatula.

I'm sure we can all remember out own tentative beginnings  and first nervous passes with the unfamiliar spatulas when we first adopted the initiate's stance with our first ever brace of sex spatulas, wondering if we would ever ourselves experience that calm ease and confidence of our tutor, and if we would ever be able to do that thing with the watermelon and the pine marten without bringing tears to our eyes.

Still, as the years pass the sex spatulas become as much a part of our erotic repertoire as our bobble hats, sequinned orgy capes, peep-hole wellies and the electric weasel, it is sometime sobering (except in the case of Old Feebletrousers, of course) to think that back in those so-called Good Old Days, the humble sex spatula was regarded as a foul and disturbing perversion, suitable for only those of a depraved mind and/or the Welsh.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

John Littledick and his Column

Many, many – sometimes even as many as two – people come here to scrutinise my organ and admire its wide-raging appeal and breadth of subject matter. However, mine is not the only organ available in Little Frigging. The village has its own newspaper – as some of you well know, especially those of you who have seen certain photographs of yourselves published when the editor did not receive any payment from you for not publishing them.

However, incriminating photographs are not the only thing the Little Frigging Gleaner publishes. From this week onwards, it is almost proud to inform its loyal reader that the world-famous (so he claims) newspaper columnist John Littledick is joining the Gleaner’s staff.

Many of you will have seen John Littledick’s column, for he is not shy about revealing it to all and sundry – which is probably why the last national newspaper to employ him to fill up the spaces between the adverts has so recently had to let him go – either that or it had something to do with those photographs of several leading newspaper personalities – and John Littledick – consorting with politicians in a riding stables in a manner not conducive to the wrecki running of the country or producing newspapers, especially when the horses were involved at all levels of decision making.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The Erotic Use of Sellotape

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Of course, as many of us are more than a little aware, the use of both sellotape and foodstuffs are now an integral part of the sex lives of many of us, even if it is merely a mater of getting the gravy stains out of the duvet or licking up any excess custard.

Sellotape has always been vital for anyone with even the slightest interest in the erotic arts and sciences, as well as anyone wishing to surprise a loved one with a gift that needs wrapping and/or restraining.

However, for those of us who prefer a shortcrust pastry and a savoury pie there has always been some concern about the gravy making the sellotape fail, as many people are aware gravy – unless it is produced by one’s mother-in-law - is not really compatible with sellotape. Neither - in the normal course of events - is the aforementioned mother-in-law really compatible with any erotic imaginings, except in some very specialised cases beyond the scope of this article, or – for that matter - credibility.

However, several companies – aware of the potential sales any bringing together of both sellotape and pies in an erotic context can engender as the recent work of erotic fiction: 50 Shades of Gravy has proven – are now working on a method of developing specific gravy-proof sellotape for use in an erotic context in time for when the film of the aforesaid multi-million selling novel is released sometime in the next year.

So, get your erotic gravy ladles ready, ladies.


Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape available here (UK) or here (US)





Saturday, May 25, 2013

An Early Morning Exposure

Now, as any upstanding gentleman will no-doubt attest, getting one's hand on a nice firm pair of baps still warm from the cake shop manageress's ministrations is one of the delights of an early morning amble through Little Frigging's main street.

However, it is not the only reason to get one's self up and at full attention first thing in the morning. As you are no doubt aware, Little Frigging's own organ of record: The Little Frigging Daily Gleaner is published fresh every day, filled to the point of almost copious overflowing with the various doings, goings-on and shenanigans of the denizens of this fine village.

Therefore, there is always a bit of a rush first thing in the morning, once everyone has had a chance to get their hands on the cake shop manageress's baps, for us all to hie ourselves to the newsagent's ready to get the Gleaner's outpourings into our eager hands.

Usually, the Gleaner's editor: Foaming Lickspittle, has had his bevy of reporters: Sherry Ventilator – the sports correspondent - and Titty Exposure – news reporter - bent over their desks well into the late afternoon, until they produce something that will make every purchaser of the aforesaid organ stand up straight in wonder and admiration at what those two young lady reporters have revealed in their full and frank exposures.

To – what remains of – my mind there is no better way to start the day that a full appraisal of what those two young ladies have exposed in those pages and I'm sure that most denizens of this fair village feel themselves of much the same opinion.

So, make sure you get your hands on it first thing every morning.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Inter-Village Orgy Warm-Ups

Both teams came out on the pitch, ten minutes before the referee was blown for kick-off, for the all-important warm-up exercises. It was during this period that we were able to size up the opposition, Titten Growper especially their new central rear forward: Anne Ticipation, who impressed our touchline staff with the way shy could wrap her ankle around the back of her neck whilst standing next to Old Feebletrousers as he made the necessary adjustments to his tackle to make himself ready to run – or, in his case, stagger – the touchline.

However, once our star player, Strom Thighhammer took the to the pitch, to the cheers of the Little Frigging Ladies Supports club, many of them dropping a stitch or two in their knitting as they caught sight of him standing erect in the centre circle, the Titten Growper newcomer was seemingly overcome by a desire to get to grips with him in the scrum as soon as possible.

She did not have long to wait, for as soon as the referee tossed the sex aids into the centre circle the Titten Growper central rear forward made a grab for Strom as he prepared to receive in the opposition penalty box with the Titten Growper chicken already on the verge of becoming bewildered.

The Titten Growper rear fondlers, though, were already bearing down on Strom when Anne Ticipation thrust herself forward and managed to get a firm grip on Strom's tackle as he was about to take one of the defenders over the line for the first orgasm of the first quarter of the second half of the initial period.

The referee was blown for a foul and the new Titten Growper player was red carded, forcing her to leave the field shame-faced for an early bath, quickly followed by Old Feebletrousers as he struggled to pull his loofer from his shorts.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Nips in the Air

As the winter weather continues its icy grip on the neither regions of the villagers of Little Frigging in the Wold, many of the ladies of the village feel in need of a pointer. However, due to the aforesaid cold snap, they have been rather disappointed to discover that the gentlemen of the village do not quite stand so proud during the icy periods. Consequently, despite the expert ministrations of the village ladies, they find that the menfolk do not always rise to the occasion with the necessary alacrity, even if the woman is wearing her finest woollen erotic-arousal mittens and bobble hat – usually a sight that has the most recalcitrant of men taking a firm stand, if not taking himself in hand.

However, due to the cost of heating, the caretaker of the Little Frigging village hall has had to reduce the temperature of the heating, even on all-village orgy nights. Consequently, we on the village hall steering committee humbly suggest that all orgy-goers who feel a nip in the air should seriously consider investing – as it were – in Splodge and Sons extensive collection of fetish thermal underwear for such nights and – we are pleased to announce – that we have negotiated a substantial bulk discount with the aforesaid purveyors of fine and bespoke erotic gear for all fully-upstanding members of the village hall weekend orgy club.

So, please avail yourselves of this opportunity as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Ancient Rites

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In England’s rural areas, you can still trace elements of the ancient religions that existed long before the invention of the more recent variations on god-irritating, and some may even date back to beyond the invention of black and white television. The stories of these ancient religions featuring such archetypal characters as the wizard and his staff, the magician waving his wand, the witch and her familiar pussy, as well as gatherings around the weird woman’s steaming hot cauldron are all aspects of those ancient religions and rites, twisted through constant retellings and reinterpretations.

For example, the wizard would often get out his staff in order to help young virgins overcome their affliction and he would use his staff to assist them in the rites of passage that would turn them into women. Similarly, the wise women of the village would gather all the young men around them to stroke their familiar pussies and to learn the dark secrets of the women’s steaming cauldrons.

Not until the young men and women of the village had gone through these rites could they regard themselves as full adults, able to join with the rest of the village in those rites that still enable the denizens of England’s villages to all come together in their local village halls right up to this very day (Weather permitting).

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Coming in Aid

Many of the ladies of Little Frigging have been very keen - of late – to join a course, run by our very own volunteer fireman Strom Thighhammer, in the village hall. The course, of course, is a First Aid course, enabling the women to come to the assistance of any gentleman – or lady, for that matter – who has been overcome by events, especially in the weekly village orgy, or suffered a similar fate on the Inter-Village Orgy pitch. The ladies are all very keen to take part, I’m told, because Strom very bravely puts himself out for the ladies to practice on, as he gives them expert tuition in how to perform the kiss of life on any flagging gentleman the ladies happen to come across.

Such has been the success of the course, that it has been many months since any gentleman has had to retire from the weekly village orgy due to becoming overcome. However, there have been some reports than the gentlemen players in the Little Frigging Inter-Village orgy team have taken to requesting a precautionary kiss of life from the lady spectators at the pitch side when ever they feel they are flagging and doubt if they will be able to keep it up for the rest of the match. Although there is no rule expressly forbidding a spectator from helping to revive an injured player, some feel that this course of action does tend to go against the spirit of the game and have requested that the League Association come up with a ruling, which I’m sure those of us on the relevant committee will rule upon when all interested parties have submitted their plain brown envelopes… evidence.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Reputable and Disreputable Cake Shops – A Guide

Any reputable (and a good many disreputable) village cake shop manageress will of course do her utmost to make sure that any gentleman customer’s cream horn is as still, firm and cream-filled as possible. She will also make sure that any lady customers reach full satiation through whatever means at her disposal, up to and including making sure their turnovers are full of fresh cream before they leave the premises.

For those who enjoy a sandwich, the village cake shop will normally employ a number of assistants who will make sure that any customer can enjoying a sumptuous filling of their choice right there on the café table-top as well as making sure their baps are hot and fresh. For any ladies in dire need of a French stick or a baguette, there are undoubtedly men in any village always eager to trust themselves forward for the delectation of the ladies especially those in need of plenty of meat in their lunch break, when it is well-known - most women need and desire a good solid meaty filling if they are going to be able to give full satisfaction at work later that day. For, if she has spent a long lingering lunch hour filling herself with plenty of hot pork, especially a hot sausage roll, such full satiation enables a lady to truly fulfil her potential in the workplace environment during the long afternoon hours to come.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Sex Spatula Precautions

Of course, it is always advisable to make sure the reversing lights on your bespoke sex spatulas are not illuminated when approaching – say – an assistant librarian from the rear during the most intense quarter of a village hall weekly orgy, unless you sustain any damage to your sex spatulas. Sex spatulas, by their very nature, can be very delicate instruments and can be knocked out of true by any untoward activity that places unusual stresses upon them, such as the use of an unripe watermelon, or too rapid approach towards the poised politician for a Pineapple Inquiry.

There is also the danger that too rough a handling of your sex spatulas could accidentally knock the switch that converts them to metric from Imperial and as anyone who has been on the receiving end of a pair of metric sex spatulas when they were poised to receive the Imperial ones knows what a shock to the system it can be. Old Feebletrousers himself claims that it was such an experience that led to his fear of getting too close to the Strap-on Sisters, due to the time when he was approached by a scullery maid during the inter-war years wielding what he thought were a pair of old-fashioned six-inch sex spatulas which later turned out to be a pair of metric 12 cm spatulas captured from the German trenches during WWI. An experience I’m sure many of you would not like to see repeated during any modern day run-of-the-mill village hall orgy.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Ungentlemanly Conduct in the Penalty Grope

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Even if I hadn’t quite got the hang of it in the manner which she’d – so obviously – hoped, I feel there was little call for what she did next, calling for the umpire to have me sent off the field for ungentlemanly conduct in the penalty grope. However, I still had the leek, so in the post match replays it was her conduct that came under the closet scrutiny, especially the skin-tight fetish gear she was wearing made it clear that any surreptitious moves she alleged I’d made with the leek were quite plainly false.

After all, it was she who claimed to have bewildered the chicken, leading to that very unfair advantage Little Piddling had as the referee was blown for the end of the 7th quarter of the third half.

Still, it only goes to show just what can be achieved by a full half-flanker out on the wings of the orgy pitch, especially if they have the sun behind them, as both teams prepare for a full-on touch-up and prepare the basting spatulas for a complete oiling of their side’s scrum half-centre backs.

Although, I think the front of the half-centres should also be oiled as it makes the scrum a much more tactical part of the game as both sides struggle to maintain a hold on each other’s tactical positioning, while each team tries to score at least one multiple orgasm before the chicken is far too bewildered to continue and the referee and both umpires agree to stop the game because of poor light interfering with their ability to read the bribery offers from each team's support staff.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

On the Importance of a Good Breakfast

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It has been scientifically proven – of course, through ground-breaking research at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the cowshed at Trouser-Quandary Farm) - that a lady who breakfasts on a copious serving of hot man-porridge before setting out on her peregrinations is far better prepared for the tribulations of the day than one who breakfast on one of those cereals that tastes indistinguishable from the box it came in. Furthermore, many of the ladies of Little Frigging swear that they find it hard to face the day without first getting their fill of a good length of hot sausage.

In addition, a man who takes the time to enjoy a lady-friend’s fresh hot baps and an early-morning taste of her honey feels much more capable of taking himself in hand to face the slings and arrows of the outrageous morn. For there is not a more stimulating sight in the dawn’s early light to pull back the sheets to find one’s good woman has a hot breakfast there, ready and waiting for you to go down to it.

Therefore, if you wish to be a perverteer or erotician of good standing ready to stride manfully and/or womanfully out to greet the day resplendent in your fetish wellies and be-sequined orgy cape, fully prepared to face the tribulations of this world, then such a good solid breakfast is bound to stand you in good stead for whatever – and, indeed, whoever - is to come.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

On Literary Pursuits and Human Bondage

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With the current fashion amongst the ladies of Little Frigging to seek further edification through literary pursuits: the Little Frigging Very Naughty Book Group has seen a surge in membership since the ladies discovered the delights of the e-reader. They have – like seemingly – the rest of the population of this once-great country been avidly reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and thus have taken an interest in some of the situations set forth in those erstwhile tomes.

Consequently, the Little Frigging ladies sought out a gentleman with an interest in the erotic arts involving bondage and invited this country’s leading expert on the subject, Guy Rope, to give them a lecture and hands-on demonstration of the various techniques.

Apparently, the evening was a great success and Guy Rope gave the ladies of both the Little Frigging Very Naughty Book Group and the ladies of the Little Frigging Knitting Circle, who – of course – have an interest in this field, a hands-on demonstration of his prowess in this exacting field.

The ladies themselves were very interested in getting their hands on his long shank and many found themselves overwhelmed to get his monkey’s head firmly in their grasp.

The Little Frigging Knitting Circle who often find themselves entangled in various strengths of yarn were delighted by Guy Rope’s insistence that they move beyond the relative simplicity of just pearling one off into the greater depths of erotic possibility offered by the highwayman’s hitch and the best way to pull it off.

All in all then, a great evening of educational erudition for all the ladies there present that evening, and I'm sure that the rest of us in the village will be spending many an evening wrapped up in this latest field of interest undertaken by these ladies.