Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Use of the Watermelon in a Village Hall Orgy Context

Even so, people these days do not seem to be aware of just how much things have changed since the introduction of the watermelon to the village orgy. Back in the immediate post-war years, of course, the village orgy – like so many other things in British society – was still suffering from the deprivations of the war, including rationing and shortages.

Of course, the ingenuity of wartime orgy-goers had produced many erotic uses for tinned spam and powdered eggs, up to and including the ARP Early-Warning Rear-Entry Surprise that delighted many a war-time orgy-going lady while her husband or lover was at the front.

However, a common complain in the post-war years was the lack of bananas and other such exotica, up to and including the watermelon. The soldiers returning from foreign parts, of course, did bring back with them some very interesting foreign perversions, especially those utilising captured German sauerkraut and others such as the French Onions String-Out or even the Japanese Kimono Undertakings that could leave even a Samurai warrior with his weapon limp in his hand.

However, it was not until the mid-sixties that that now staple of the rural village hall orgy – the watermelon – made its way to these shores, something that we should all be grateful for as we prepare our shin-pads and snorkels and grasp the watermelon in readiness as we approach the post-mistress at our usual mid-week village hall orgies.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Sex Spatula Manipulation and the Modern Age

Back in the days of yore, of course, a knight would often show the lady of his choice the full length of his lance before asking for her favour. These days at the mid-week orgy in the local village hall, things are not all that dissimilar. However – especially those as (nearly) well-blessed, such as our own Strom Thighhammer – it ill behoves anyone to reveal something of such a length in the relatively close confines of the village hall, especially with the cost of repairing damaged light fittings, and the health and safely concerns that necessitate someone erecting safety barriers around it and the placing of a hazard warning light on its end.

Still, though, these days, a gentleman always has the dexterity with which he can wield his sex spatulas as a way of impressing the ladies there present at his local village orgy. This is of course why a young man should always be given his sex spatulas as soon after reaching adulthood as possible. So, by the time he has grown to that point that males ever get towards maturity, he knows how to wield his sex spatulas in mixed company without creating any undue distress in any nearby woodland mammals that have – however inadvertently – wandered into the near vicinity of the village hall on orgy night.

Of course, it is better that a young man be taken under the wing (if her fetish costume does include wings of course) of an experienced older lady who can demonstrate to him some of the finer points of sex spatula manipulation in a full-on village orgy setting. Luckily, we here in Little Frigging have Maureen, my own dear wife, along with many other well-experienced ladies, who are always more than willing to help out any neophyte along those first few sex spatula wieldings on the road to full manhood.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Taking the Proffered Item

Of course, taking any proffered pineapple before it has been prepared by the volunteers providing the catering at your local village hall orgy can sometimes be somewhat of an enlightening experience, especially if it is offered up in the wrong direction*.

However, the well-seasoned (ideally with a liberal coating of olive oil**) village orgy-goer, will be well used to unexpected items appearing throughout the village orgy experience. This is especially true if the village is home to those particular ladies who enjoy a good rummage through the box of provided devices available – usually – by the door as you enter the hall, as well as those all too familiar items displayed on the hall’s dildo rail for the convenience of all attendees.

It should always be stressed however, that all such devices, implements, items of fruit, small furry animals (and – of course – politicians) should be thoroughly cleaned after use and before replacing them in the device box, dildo rail, fruit dish or holding pen, for the convenience and peace of mind of other village hall orgy attendees who want to make use of the aforesaid items too.

*What is – indeed – the wrong direction for any individual will, of course, depend upon their personal proclivities.

**Of course, coating a Liberal in olive oil is something best left for those who enjoy the cut and thrust of political perversions, up to and including the stuffing of the ballot box and losing their deposits.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Kneading the Cake Shop Manageress


Of course, any gentleman who feels that he is in danger of not rising to the occasion should immediately – or as fast as the village hall orgy timetable allows – put himself firmly (or not, as is often the case) in the hands of the village cake shop manageress, whose expert kneading ability will soon have him standing proud once more. Obviously, though, it is only common courtesy for the gentleman then to test the integrity of his predicament, by offering the cake shop manageress the opportunity to prove his first rising. Although, in more difficult circumstances, the aforesaid gentleman may need to take some quality time testing the firmness of the cake shop manageress's baps before he achieves the fullness of his potential.

It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, that occasionally all gentlemen – except my good self, of course) will experience some difficulty rising to the occasion. This is especially so in the heated atmosphere of the village hall orgy where sometimes the ladies present will discuss amongst themselves the relative merits of their putative and/or previous orgy partners. It can, therefore, be rather daunting for a gentleman to put himself forward to the next partner marked on his orgy card when following another gentleman whose prowess makes the aforesaid first gentleman only too aware of his own shortcomings, especially if the lady herself shows disappointment, or the man finds himself overshadowed by that lady's previous orgy partner.

Still, though, it behoves us all as men of the world, or at least this bit of it, to do our best, no matter what, if only to give the lady herself something to remember us by*, even if it is only through matters arising.


*Or – as in many cases – blame us for.