Wednesday, August 21, 2013

50 Shades of Gravy


Obviously, when laying an assistant librarian on a bed of shredded cabbage, before applying the carrots it is advisable to consider which would be the best shade of gravy to have in your ladle in readiness.

As we all know, gravy comes in many different flavours, mostly – except in the case of the transport cafĂ© – bearing some relationship to the main ingredients used in the making of the gravy. Each of which will have its own distinctive colour, from the dismal miasmic grey of the fabled seaside boarding house of yore, right up to the rich deep almost mirror-like browns of the high-end gravy-eating experience found in top restaurants.

Of course, one should always consider obtaining the gravy with the taste and flavours most likely to bring out the best in your assistant librarian, or as with the case with vegetable stock – your supply geography teacher (remembering, of course, that in such cases the carrots should always be replaced by parsnips).

The village hall weekend orgy, many of us feel (as it were), would not be the same without the traditional English basting of the assistant librarian, up on the High Altar – next to the buffet table. So, it behoves us all to make sure that not only is the gravy of a complementary flavour for the particular assistant librarian we intend to ladle it over, we must also make sure that the gravy itself is of a colour and shade that brings out the best in our assistant librarian (or if including the vegetarian option – our supply geography teacher. This is why Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have released this handy colour chart showing all the fifty available shades of erotic all-purpose* gravy they produce. Therefore, now we can all get the exact shade of gravy we need to show off our recumbent assistant librarians to their best advantage at every village hall weekend orgy, as nature intended.

*The Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) range of all-porpoise gravies and naughty nautical sauces is beyond the scope of this article. However details of all the gravies and sauce can be found in the appendix to the catalogue.

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