Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Erotic Uses of the Cucumber

Of course, one of the most important erotic uses of the cucumber in a village hall orgy setting, is – obviously – as a filling for the half-time sandwiches. A function for which the cucumber is also admirably suited during an inter-village competitive orgy whenever the teams change ends, and need a fillip, before returning to the fray.

Obviously, a frayed cucumber is of little use either to a competitive orgy team, or during a village hall orgy, so please make sure of the integrity of your cucumber before proceeding.

It goes without saying that some of the village ladies like to get their hands on the cucumber – and similar proportioned fruit and vegetables such as the leek or courgette (or for more experienced ladies – the marrow) - before they are sliced for the sandwiches, or for whatever purpose the aforementioned other fruit and vegetables are prepared, mainly to ensure that the cucumber is of a length, girth and firmness suitable for the purposes they wish to put it to.

However, recent studies at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the cowshed at Trouser Quandary small holding), have proved to the satisfaction of those who studied the phenomena, that a cucumber that has been tested to destruction by the ladies – or those gentlemen who take an interest in musical theatre – are of little use when it comes to making those vital cucumber sandwiches. Consequently, the research team recommend that the cucumbers for the sandwiches - and other such fruit and vegetables like bananas for example – be kept out of the way of those ladies until well after the half-time sandwiches – or other food items - have been prepared, for there is nothing more frustrating in a village hall to find yourself with the baps for a sandwich in hand and nothing to put between them.

You have been warned.

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