Friday, September 13, 2013

Perversion for the Beginner

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Providing that spring cabbage is in season, there is no reason why you shouldn't introduce one to help liven up a sex life that has become run-of-the-mill or mundane. However, we would suggest you reserve the use of the turnip for when the two (or more) of you have become used to becoming sexually aroused while in the near vicinity of vegetables. This is of Particular importance if you are in a supermarket or greengrocers at the time. However, as most Farmers' Markets take place in a rural, or semi-rural, setting you are more than welcome to grab a feel of a courgette from a farmer's market stall. Those of a curious bent are also welcome to take a firm grasp of the farmer's plums, should you so wish.

However, you should exercise extreme caution when approaching a putative perverting partner with the accordion for the first time. Especially if you are incautious with the accordion's bellows mechanism near any exposed extremities. However, the flippers and bobble hat make an ideal introduction to perversion, especially if the lady (or ladies) involved are capable of knitting their own bobble hats and fetish leg warmers in readiness for the occasion.

The neophyte perverteer should practise caution when approaching a man or woman in uniform. Sometimes these may not be wearing the uniform as a form of sexual arousal, but as part of their day job. So – except for structural engineers and geography teachers, of course – always make discreet enquires about their line of work before attempting to - say – place a mackerel fillet on their inner thigh.

Apart from that always carry a bottle of freshly-ground badger spleen oil and disport your sex spatulas (in the 'ready' position, of course) and go out there and be as perverse as you like (except on Tuesday mornings, obviously).

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