Sunday, February 24, 2013

Coming in Aid

Many of the ladies of Little Frigging have been very keen - of late – to join a course, run by our very own volunteer fireman Strom Thighhammer, in the village hall. The course, of course, is a First Aid course, enabling the women to come to the assistance of any gentleman – or lady, for that matter – who has been overcome by events, especially in the weekly village orgy, or suffered a similar fate on the Inter-Village Orgy pitch. The ladies are all very keen to take part, I’m told, because Strom very bravely puts himself out for the ladies to practice on, as he gives them expert tuition in how to perform the kiss of life on any flagging gentleman the ladies happen to come across.

Such has been the success of the course, that it has been many months since any gentleman has had to retire from the weekly village orgy due to becoming overcome. However, there have been some reports than the gentlemen players in the Little Frigging Inter-Village orgy team have taken to requesting a precautionary kiss of life from the lady spectators at the pitch side when ever they feel they are flagging and doubt if they will be able to keep it up for the rest of the match. Although there is no rule expressly forbidding a spectator from helping to revive an injured player, some feel that this course of action does tend to go against the spirit of the game and have requested that the League Association come up with a ruling, which I’m sure those of us on the relevant committee will rule upon when all interested parties have submitted their plain brown envelopes… evidence.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Reputable and Disreputable Cake Shops – A Guide

Any reputable (and a good many disreputable) village cake shop manageress will of course do her utmost to make sure that any gentleman customer’s cream horn is as still, firm and cream-filled as possible. She will also make sure that any lady customers reach full satiation through whatever means at her disposal, up to and including making sure their turnovers are full of fresh cream before they leave the premises.

For those who enjoy a sandwich, the village cake shop will normally employ a number of assistants who will make sure that any customer can enjoying a sumptuous filling of their choice right there on the café table-top as well as making sure their baps are hot and fresh. For any ladies in dire need of a French stick or a baguette, there are undoubtedly men in any village always eager to trust themselves forward for the delectation of the ladies especially those in need of plenty of meat in their lunch break, when it is well-known - most women need and desire a good solid meaty filling if they are going to be able to give full satisfaction at work later that day. For, if she has spent a long lingering lunch hour filling herself with plenty of hot pork, especially a hot sausage roll, such full satiation enables a lady to truly fulfil her potential in the workplace environment during the long afternoon hours to come.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Sex Spatula Precautions

Of course, it is always advisable to make sure the reversing lights on your bespoke sex spatulas are not illuminated when approaching – say – an assistant librarian from the rear during the most intense quarter of a village hall weekly orgy, unless you sustain any damage to your sex spatulas. Sex spatulas, by their very nature, can be very delicate instruments and can be knocked out of true by any untoward activity that places unusual stresses upon them, such as the use of an unripe watermelon, or too rapid approach towards the poised politician for a Pineapple Inquiry.

There is also the danger that too rough a handling of your sex spatulas could accidentally knock the switch that converts them to metric from Imperial and as anyone who has been on the receiving end of a pair of metric sex spatulas when they were poised to receive the Imperial ones knows what a shock to the system it can be. Old Feebletrousers himself claims that it was such an experience that led to his fear of getting too close to the Strap-on Sisters, due to the time when he was approached by a scullery maid during the inter-war years wielding what he thought were a pair of old-fashioned six-inch sex spatulas which later turned out to be a pair of metric 12 cm spatulas captured from the German trenches during WWI. An experience I’m sure many of you would not like to see repeated during any modern day run-of-the-mill village hall orgy.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Ungentlemanly Conduct in the Penalty Grope

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Even if I hadn’t quite got the hang of it in the manner which she’d – so obviously – hoped, I feel there was little call for what she did next, calling for the umpire to have me sent off the field for ungentlemanly conduct in the penalty grope. However, I still had the leek, so in the post match replays it was her conduct that came under the closet scrutiny, especially the skin-tight fetish gear she was wearing made it clear that any surreptitious moves she alleged I’d made with the leek were quite plainly false.

After all, it was she who claimed to have bewildered the chicken, leading to that very unfair advantage Little Piddling had as the referee was blown for the end of the 7th quarter of the third half.

Still, it only goes to show just what can be achieved by a full half-flanker out on the wings of the orgy pitch, especially if they have the sun behind them, as both teams prepare for a full-on touch-up and prepare the basting spatulas for a complete oiling of their side’s scrum half-centre backs.

Although, I think the front of the half-centres should also be oiled as it makes the scrum a much more tactical part of the game as both sides struggle to maintain a hold on each other’s tactical positioning, while each team tries to score at least one multiple orgasm before the chicken is far too bewildered to continue and the referee and both umpires agree to stop the game because of poor light interfering with their ability to read the bribery offers from each team's support staff.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

On the Importance of a Good Breakfast

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It has been scientifically proven – of course, through ground-breaking research at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the cowshed at Trouser-Quandary Farm) - that a lady who breakfasts on a copious serving of hot man-porridge before setting out on her peregrinations is far better prepared for the tribulations of the day than one who breakfast on one of those cereals that tastes indistinguishable from the box it came in. Furthermore, many of the ladies of Little Frigging swear that they find it hard to face the day without first getting their fill of a good length of hot sausage.

In addition, a man who takes the time to enjoy a lady-friend’s fresh hot baps and an early-morning taste of her honey feels much more capable of taking himself in hand to face the slings and arrows of the outrageous morn. For there is not a more stimulating sight in the dawn’s early light to pull back the sheets to find one’s good woman has a hot breakfast there, ready and waiting for you to go down to it.

Therefore, if you wish to be a perverteer or erotician of good standing ready to stride manfully and/or womanfully out to greet the day resplendent in your fetish wellies and be-sequined orgy cape, fully prepared to face the tribulations of this world, then such a good solid breakfast is bound to stand you in good stead for whatever – and, indeed, whoever - is to come.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

On Literary Pursuits and Human Bondage

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With the current fashion amongst the ladies of Little Frigging to seek further edification through literary pursuits: the Little Frigging Very Naughty Book Group has seen a surge in membership since the ladies discovered the delights of the e-reader. They have – like seemingly – the rest of the population of this once-great country been avidly reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and thus have taken an interest in some of the situations set forth in those erstwhile tomes.

Consequently, the Little Frigging ladies sought out a gentleman with an interest in the erotic arts involving bondage and invited this country’s leading expert on the subject, Guy Rope, to give them a lecture and hands-on demonstration of the various techniques.

Apparently, the evening was a great success and Guy Rope gave the ladies of both the Little Frigging Very Naughty Book Group and the ladies of the Little Frigging Knitting Circle, who – of course – have an interest in this field, a hands-on demonstration of his prowess in this exacting field.

The ladies themselves were very interested in getting their hands on his long shank and many found themselves overwhelmed to get his monkey’s head firmly in their grasp.

The Little Frigging Knitting Circle who often find themselves entangled in various strengths of yarn were delighted by Guy Rope’s insistence that they move beyond the relative simplicity of just pearling one off into the greater depths of erotic possibility offered by the highwayman’s hitch and the best way to pull it off.

All in all then, a great evening of educational erudition for all the ladies there present that evening, and I'm sure that the rest of us in the village will be spending many an evening wrapped up in this latest field of interest undertaken by these ladies.