Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Sex-Spatula and History

Of course, hard as it is (and I hope that the one(s) you have access to are as hard as they should be) to believe in these days of openness and honesty, there was a time in the - not too – distant past when the sex spatula was looked upon as something beyond the pale.

We, looking back at those times, can often find it difficult to empathise with such attitudes, knowing as we now do of the boundless opportunities for enhancement of one's erotic proclivities the humble sex spatula can bring about, and that is even before one had mastered the deft nimbleness of the wrist that marks the true master (and/or mistress) of the sex spatula.

I'm sure we can all remember out own tentative beginnings  and first nervous passes with the unfamiliar spatulas when we first adopted the initiate's stance with our first ever brace of sex spatulas, wondering if we would ever ourselves experience that calm ease and confidence of our tutor, and if we would ever be able to do that thing with the watermelon and the pine marten without bringing tears to our eyes.

Still, as the years pass the sex spatulas become as much a part of our erotic repertoire as our bobble hats, sequinned orgy capes, peep-hole wellies and the electric weasel, it is sometime sobering (except in the case of Old Feebletrousers, of course) to think that back in those so-called Good Old Days, the humble sex spatula was regarded as a foul and disturbing perversion, suitable for only those of a depraved mind and/or the Welsh.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

John Littledick and his Column

Many, many – sometimes even as many as two – people come here to scrutinise my organ and admire its wide-raging appeal and breadth of subject matter. However, mine is not the only organ available in Little Frigging. The village has its own newspaper – as some of you well know, especially those of you who have seen certain photographs of yourselves published when the editor did not receive any payment from you for not publishing them.

However, incriminating photographs are not the only thing the Little Frigging Gleaner publishes. From this week onwards, it is almost proud to inform its loyal reader that the world-famous (so he claims) newspaper columnist John Littledick is joining the Gleaner’s staff.

Many of you will have seen John Littledick’s column, for he is not shy about revealing it to all and sundry – which is probably why the last national newspaper to employ him to fill up the spaces between the adverts has so recently had to let him go – either that or it had something to do with those photographs of several leading newspaper personalities – and John Littledick – consorting with politicians in a riding stables in a manner not conducive to the wrecki running of the country or producing newspapers, especially when the horses were involved at all levels of decision making.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The Erotic Use of Sellotape


Of course, as many of us are more than a little aware, the use of both sellotape and foodstuffs are now an integral part of the sex lives of many of us, even if it is merely a mater of getting the gravy stains out of the duvet or licking up any excess custard.

Sellotape has always been vital for anyone with even the slightest interest in the erotic arts and sciences, as well as anyone wishing to surprise a loved one with a gift that needs wrapping and/or restraining.

However, for those of us who prefer a shortcrust pastry and a savoury pie there has always been some concern about the gravy making the sellotape fail, as many people are aware gravy – unless it is produced by one’s mother-in-law - is not really compatible with sellotape. Neither - in the normal course of events - is the aforementioned mother-in-law really compatible with any erotic imaginings, except in some very specialised cases beyond the scope of this article, or – for that matter - credibility.

However, several companies – aware of the potential sales any bringing together of both sellotape and pies in an erotic context can engender as the recent work of erotic fiction: 50 Shades of Gravy has proven – are now working on a method of developing specific gravy-proof sellotape for use in an erotic context in time for when the film of the aforesaid multi-million selling novel is released sometime in the next year.

So, get your erotic gravy ladles ready, ladies.

Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape available here (UK) or here (US)

Saturday, May 25, 2013

An Early Morning Exposure

Now, as any upstanding gentleman will no-doubt attest, getting one's hand on a nice firm pair of baps still warm from the cake shop manageress's ministrations is one of the delights of an early morning amble through Little Frigging's main street.

However, it is not the only reason to get one's self up and at full attention first thing in the morning. As you are no doubt aware, Little Frigging's own organ of record: The Little Frigging Daily Gleaner is published fresh every day, filled to the point of almost copious overflowing with the various doings, goings-on and shenanigans of the denizens of this fine village.

Therefore, there is always a bit of a rush first thing in the morning, once everyone has had a chance to get their hands on the cake shop manageress's baps, for us all to hie ourselves to the newsagent's ready to get the Gleaner's outpourings into our eager hands.

Usually, the Gleaner's editor: Foaming Lickspittle, has had his bevy of reporters: Sherry Ventilator – the sports correspondent - and Titty Exposure – news reporter - bent over their desks well into the late afternoon, until they produce something that will make every purchaser of the aforesaid organ stand up straight in wonder and admiration at what those two young lady reporters have revealed in their full and frank exposures.

To – what remains of – my mind there is no better way to start the day that a full appraisal of what those two young ladies have exposed in those pages and I'm sure that most denizens of this fair village feel themselves of much the same opinion.

So, make sure you get your hands on it first thing every morning.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Inter-Village Orgy Warm-Ups

Both teams came out on the pitch, ten minutes before the referee was blown for kick-off, for the all-important warm-up exercises. It was during this period that we were able to size up the opposition, Titten Growper especially their new central rear forward: Anne Ticipation, who impressed our touchline staff with the way shy could wrap her ankle around the back of her neck whilst standing next to Old Feebletrousers as he made the necessary adjustments to his tackle to make himself ready to run – or, in his case, stagger – the touchline.

However, once our star player, Strom Thighhammer took the to the pitch, to the cheers of the Little Frigging Ladies Supports club, many of them dropping a stitch or two in their knitting as they caught sight of him standing erect in the centre circle, the Titten Growper newcomer was seemingly overcome by a desire to get to grips with him in the scrum as soon as possible.

She did not have long to wait, for as soon as the referee tossed the sex aids into the centre circle the Titten Growper central rear forward made a grab for Strom as he prepared to receive in the opposition penalty box with the Titten Growper chicken already on the verge of becoming bewildered.

The Titten Growper rear fondlers, though, were already bearing down on Strom when Anne Ticipation thrust herself forward and managed to get a firm grip on Strom's tackle as he was about to take one of the defenders over the line for the first orgasm of the first quarter of the second half of the initial period.

The referee was blown for a foul and the new Titten Growper player was red carded, forcing her to leave the field shame-faced for an early bath, quickly followed by Old Feebletrousers as he struggled to pull his loofer from his shorts.