Sunday, June 16, 2013

Trifling with the Affections

Of course, every fully-upstanding eroticician or perverteer knows of the erotic delights of the pudding from merely trifling with someone's affections right up to and including the Pineapple Inquiry.

It goes without saying however, that if you should wish to trifle with someone's affections you should make sure that the trifle itself spends sometime out of the fridge before applying it to one's partner’s (or partners') affections. As is well known the affections are very sensitive and it behoves any eroticician of the first rank to make sue that one's partners in the erotic enterprise, shenanigan or doings is fully aware of – and consents to – what is about to take place. Which also means you should always warm your spoon up first too, unless the aforesaid partner, or partners, is the sort that enjoys a cold spooning. This is something I think I can safely say many of us do indeed enjoy, especially on a warm summer's evening at the village hall weekend orgy.

Still, one should also be aware of the dangers of the overly-warm pudding too. For nothing cools the ardour more than the sudden unwarranted application of some over-heated custard to the gentleman's region. So any lady wishing to have custard with her spotted dick would be well-advised to make sure the custard is not too hot before dipping her ladle.

As for the treacle tart, it is only polite to make sure you have licked off all the treacle before she attempts to get dressed at the end of the proceedings as a overly-sticky nether garment can become rather uncomfortable, especially if one has to take the long way home due to a traffic jam of post-orgy wheelbarrows taking the somewhat overcome orgy-goers home at the end of their evening exertions.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Strom Thighhammer – at Full Length

Well, she had the tambourine and I had the ukulele, so it was all set to be one of the more interesting 'show and tell' evenings at the village hall, especially when we had the courgette already oiled and coming to room temperature for the hands-on event at the end of our demonstration.

Of course, there are some traditionalist who look upon the importation of such things as the 'show and tell' event from the Colonies as a dilution of all that is great and good about the traditional English rural village hall. However, those of us less bound by tradition – despite the long British tradition of enjoying being bound in erotic circumstances - do feel there is much still to be learnt about the width and variety, of erotic experience, not to mention the length.

Speaking of length, naturally leads us on to a similar talk – given last month – by our very own Strom Thighhammer. It was a talk of such depth, penetration and erudition that some of the ladies had to be wheelbarrowed home afterwards, still more than overcome by Strom's very deep plumbing of the subject.

Strom, as is well known, is quite capable of going to greater lengths than normal, even in the cold of an English rural winter. Despite which, several of the ladies of the Little Frigging Knitting Circle immediately planned to join forces to knit Strom a winter warmer of a suitable length to keep his extremities from damage by frost, especially as the rather heavy snow fall left him in danger of having to drag himself through some of the deeper drifts around the cake shop.

The rest of us just hope the country has enough wool in stock.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Sticking Together

Of course, it is not that unusual for a lady of Little Frigging to find herself without a partner for either the mid-week or weekend all-village orgy in the village hall. This is not normally any great cause for concern as not only are there many fine upstanding gentlemen who are more than willing to offer a pointer to a lone lady, there are many other women - perhaps mindful that they may one day be in a similar situation - who will gladly offer their sister a hand, or sometimes even oral consolation. Not only that the Strap-on Sisters themselves will always be willing to provide whatever stimulation and comfort they can to anyone seemingly bereft of satiation and feeling somewhat empty inside.

Some neophytes do find themselves quite surprised at the generally supportive atmosphere in most village orgies – for obvious reasons I am omitting certain villages - that will remain nameless - from this general situation, for there are some places where a single lady in want of a good seeing-to is regarded with utmost suspicion by other ladies who fear the gentlemen present may not be as fully satisfied by themselves as should be the case in any normal rural village.

Of course, back in the olden days, when everything was in black and white, there was far less intercourse even between neighbouring villages, let alone between the relative strangers and distant places that is now the case. In those days then, it was incumbent upon all villagers to come together as often as possible – hence the invention of the village hall orgy – in order to keep the mutual fellow feeling that is – we would like to believe – the glue that keeps us all, throughout such villages as this, sticking together.

Certainly, we do like to believe that there is something in the twice-weekly village hall orgy that does make everyone in Little Frigging stick together.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Taking the Back Door

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On hearing that the Strap-On sisters up at the Manor House had just received a delivery of the new season's devices from Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) and were in need of giving those products a full testing, my own dear wife: Maureen, suggested that they knock on my back door to see if I could accommodate them.

Of course, at first, I was more than a little reluctant, especially when I saw the size of the undertakings they were presenting to me.

However, the Sisters do have rather forceful personalities and soon had me in a position where I could not refuse the full force of their argument, especially when they pressed it upon me until I opened up for them to press home their points.

I must say that, despite my initial misgivings and hesitations, I did come to appreciate all that the sisters offered me when partaking of their testing procedures and now I must admit that I do feel a certain absence inside, a hollowness within me, that I know the sisters will do their utmost to fulfil when we next should meet.

Providing I don't see them coming first.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Boating and the Erotic Arts and Sciences

As an island nation, the British have always felt at home on the water, even those of us in the rural heartland a long way from the sea, like to spend a warm summer afternoon on the river: poling a punt, getting our oar in and impressing, say, as assistant librarian with the flexibility of our rowlocks.

However, there are some who enjoy their perversions on the high seas, despite the danger of having one's spinnaker half-shafted. For example, my dear wife Maureen herself likes nothing better than getting all at sea with a brace of matelots in the scuppers, although she also likes hanging around on the docks hoping for some rough handling by a bunch of well-greased dockers.

There are some who like nothing better than getting hands on a few of the more unusual rudder deviations and like nothing more than getting a cake shop manageress down in their cockpit where they can pore over a chart or two together and enjoy that most erotic of ship-board delights such as listening to the shipping forecast, especially when there is a chance of a backing south-easterly in Cromarty, or for the more advanced perverteer – a slight or moderate Dogger.

Also, for those who enjoy rough sex there is no greater delight than to be tossed by the ocean waves or blown by a Gail.

However, for those who like water-sports, there are a number of perversions that will more than satisfy their thirst for such experiences, especially when the water skis are utilised to further one's need to enjoy riding the waves at speed, especially whilst wearing a wet suit.

However, they should not attempt to wear the traditional bowler hat with the suit as it has been known to annoy the guillemots.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The Inter-Village Orgy of Yore

Of course, back in the early days of Grand Uncle Stagnant's inter-village orgy career the game was very different to the event we know and love today.

Back in those days, for example, it was regarded as rather ungentlemanly for a player to wear shin pads, especially during the Ladies' Excuse Me, or even when the opposition had full possession of both the chicken and the marital aids (as they were then known).

Back then it was certainly possible for a lady to be sent for an early bath if she showed more then a glimpse of ankle during the penalty grope awarded for being caught offside without a parasol, especially if the umpire had a new bottle of bubble bath he needed to sample.

However, the half-time pork pie still exists as a dressing room staple – and, of course - dressing room staples are quite useful for any alterations to the team sheet, or tactical notes, needed when faced with an unexpectedly stiff opposition, especially in the rear defensive ends.

Back in those days too, the balls used to be much heavier – hence the use of wheelbarrows on the pitch by the gentlemen more well-blessed in this area as they raced down the wing ready to receive the full attention of the full centre half -forward backs in the scrum.

Back in those days too, the penalty shoot-out was unknown as a way of resolving a match that ended in a tie at full time, especially during the inter-village orgy cup. Drawn matches in those days had to be replayed until a result which favoured one team or the other was achieved, even when there was no-one left standing on the pitch and all the lubricant had been used.

Good old days, indeed!