Wednesday, August 21, 2013

50 Shades of Gravy

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Obviously, when laying an assistant librarian on a bed of shredded cabbage, before applying the carrots it is advisable to consider which would be the best shade of gravy to have in your ladle in readiness.

As we all know, gravy comes in many different flavours, mostly – except in the case of the transport cafĂ© – bearing some relationship to the main ingredients used in the making of the gravy. Each of which will have its own distinctive colour, from the dismal miasmic grey of the fabled seaside boarding house of yore, right up to the rich deep almost mirror-like browns of the high-end gravy-eating experience found in top restaurants.

Of course, one should always consider obtaining the gravy with the taste and flavours most likely to bring out the best in your assistant librarian, or as with the case with vegetable stock – your supply geography teacher (remembering, of course, that in such cases the carrots should always be replaced by parsnips).

The village hall weekend orgy, many of us feel (as it were), would not be the same without the traditional English basting of the assistant librarian, up on the High Altar – next to the buffet table. So, it behoves us all to make sure that not only is the gravy of a complementary flavour for the particular assistant librarian we intend to ladle it over, we must also make sure that the gravy itself is of a colour and shade that brings out the best in our assistant librarian (or if including the vegetarian option – our supply geography teacher. This is why Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have released this handy colour chart showing all the fifty available shades of erotic all-purpose* gravy they produce. Therefore, now we can all get the exact shade of gravy we need to show off our recumbent assistant librarians to their best advantage at every village hall weekend orgy, as nature intended.

*The Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) range of all-porpoise gravies and naughty nautical sauces is beyond the scope of this article. However details of all the gravies and sauce can be found in the appendix to the catalogue.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Common Law

Several (at the latest count – nearly one) of my interlocutors have expressed surprise - and wonder - at the point I raised recently in the snug of The Pervert's Appendage. However, putting that to one side, where it rests easily against the inner thigh, I would like to take an opportunity to discuss England's great tradition of Common Law.

First – obviously, it will be necessary make sure that we are in a lawyer-free zone, and there is no chance of any lawyer coming within earshot. Thus making us liable to pay the fees that any lawyer naturally incurs by being in the vicinity of a non-lawyer.

As Maureen often attests, however, I am as common as muck and consequently – as a male of the species – regard myself as an expert on a multitude of matters. Despite having – at best – little more than a passing acquaintance with their intricacies and foibles. One of those matters is of course the common law.

I spend a great deal of time out on the common, often on my own, or sometimes taking the Little Frigging Inter-Village orgy squad out for a training session. Therefore, I do know a lot about the law relating to the common, and especially such matters as grazing one's sheep, or even hairstylist, on common land. As well as the legal liabilities incumbent on anyone who – accidentally or otherwise – backs a postmistress into a thicket, pollarding with a pair of assistant librarians in a manner likely to case severe curtailment of a police officer's tea break and secreting in a post mistress's bush without due care and attention, also how to avoid getting on the wrong side of a woodsman’s chopper.

Speaking of the common and the law naturally leads us onto the vexed subject of dogging and other related matters. But as long as you keep your dogging partner(s) on a lead, then the law cannot touch you, although several wild lawyers may take photographs. However, as long as they keep at a distance you should be spared any unfortunate outpourings of litigation as long as you keep to the designated areas.

Mind how you go.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Pride and Perversion

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a large endowment must be in want of an eager village hall orgy partner.

Of course, this, Jane Austen's original opening to the first version of her Pride and Perversion novel was very different indeed to the version later published as Pride and Prejudice.

Back in those days, of course, the village hall orgy was a much more regimented affair, especially when the local militia attended. The more formal orgies of those times were very much demarcated by rigid class boundaries. Which, in the case of rural village orgies, meant erecting a large fence across the village hall to keep the rude peasantry away from their betters (at least officially, anyway). As contemporary sources do indicate – and recent historical ground-breaking research by the Historical Perversions Faculty at the University of Little Frigging has proved – there was far more intercourse between the various strata of society in those days. Much more than we have been led to believe by those who would wish us to see the class-structure of society as somehow impermeable and immutable.

For example, in this version of Pride and Perversion, Elizabeth is very much attracted to the local blacksmith. Especially when she sees him stripped for his annual bath in the village duckpond and is overawed by the size of his endowment.

All in all, then this original version of Pride and Perversion is pretty much a standard novelistic plot. That is until the blacksmith, Darcy, offers to take Elizabeth up the Northanger Abbey. Whereupon, she drops the watermelon in a fit of the vapours and then requires a large amount of Persuasion before she eventually consents to marry and thus live happily ever after with Darcy at his forge.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Pirates and Perversions

Sometimes, hard as it may seem (and I know it does seem quite firm at the moment), there comes a time when the denizens of Little Frigging look for something beyond the usual village orgies and seek out something a bit more unusual.

Themed orgies have a long and distinguished history. For some reason, never adequately explained, people love to dress up in costumes they would not normally wear, and then – some time later – take them all off again.

Consequently, one of the annual favourites in the Little Frigging orgy calendar is Pirate Perversions Night, usually undertaken around this time every year, when the denizen of Little Frigging dress up as pirates, and engage in all manner of pirate and privateer-related perversions, deviations and erotic encounters up to and including splicing the mainbrace.

Of course, the naked and blindfolded walking the plank into a large vat of trifle – usually lightly sprinkled with a handful of pre-custarded assistant librarians is always very popular.

Other such pirate-based perversions, such as Fifty Men on a Cake Shop Manageress's Chest are also quite popular, as is spending your doubloons on a recumbent post mistress.

The treasure map where the treasure chest is marked with an X is always one perversion the Villagers are more than eager to partake in, especially when they have to fully explore the contours of the chest in order to locate the spot marked with the X.

Not only that, in the role-play corner of the Village Hall, the ladies of Little Frigging never seem to get enough of Long John Silver – usually of course played by our very own village Blacksmith Strom Thighhammer who has very much made the part his own.

Not to mention Yo-Ho-Ho and a Brace of Dairymaids, which, so long as the parrot always freely consents, is a magnificent way to round off the evening, especially after the last of the rum ration has been quaffed by Grand Uncle Stagnant.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Erotic Uses of the Cucumber

Of course, one of the most important erotic uses of the cucumber in a village hall orgy setting, is – obviously – as a filling for the half-time sandwiches. A function for which the cucumber is also admirably suited during an inter-village competitive orgy whenever the teams change ends, and need a fillip, before returning to the fray.

Obviously, a frayed cucumber is of little use either to a competitive orgy team, or during a village hall orgy, so please make sure of the integrity of your cucumber before proceeding.

It goes without saying that some of the village ladies like to get their hands on the cucumber – and similar proportioned fruit and vegetables such as the leek or courgette (or for more experienced ladies – the marrow) - before they are sliced for the sandwiches, or for whatever purpose the aforementioned other fruit and vegetables are prepared, mainly to ensure that the cucumber is of a length, girth and firmness suitable for the purposes they wish to put it to.

However, recent studies at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the cowshed at Trouser Quandary small holding), have proved to the satisfaction of those who studied the phenomena, that a cucumber that has been tested to destruction by the ladies – or those gentlemen who take an interest in musical theatre – are of little use when it comes to making those vital cucumber sandwiches. Consequently, the research team recommend that the cucumbers for the sandwiches - and other such fruit and vegetables like bananas for example – be kept out of the way of those ladies until well after the half-time sandwiches – or other food items - have been prepared, for there is nothing more frustrating in a village hall to find yourself with the baps for a sandwich in hand and nothing to put between them.

You have been warned.