Friday, September 27, 2013

The All-New Perversion Proximity Detector App

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There is good news for anyone who no longer wishes to suffer the inconvenience of searching for a nearby orgy. Now there is no more suffering undue frustration whilst wandering around with their tool clutched in their hand (or for more advanced orgyists – with their tool in someone else’s hand). Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have announced that from next month their famous Perversion proximity detector – once a hand-held tool - will be released as a mobile phone app.

The original tool was a must-have for any putative orgy-goer who found themselves in an unfamiliar location without a nearby orgy available to them. Or even for them to discover the whereabouts of the nearest local orgy without garnering any undue attention.

Some of us of more advanced years will – no doubt – recall the original hand-held Perversion proximity detectors. Remembering just how unwieldy they were with their seven aerials, the flexible moistness-sniffer and the rather loud naughtiness meter. Not forgetting, of course, the lewdness warning-lights that often lit up an entire village High Street when detecting someone wearing a snorkel while preparing a watermelon for an intimate encounter.

The wonders of technological innovation and miniaturization have moved on apace in this field. Splodge & Sons produce other similar devices in nearby fields (sometimes literally as with the SheepMate bovine compatibility detector). First Splodge & Sons produced a range of devices that could easily fit first the rucksack, and latterly the pocket or handbag – depending on mode of dress and/or undress.

Now, though, they’ve reduced the whole device to a mere app on one’s mobile phone. The app can detect a village hall orgy night from up to three valleys away. It also introduces you to any interested sheep in the fields between your position and the village hall, if you so desire.

Not only that, in the poor benighted regions of this once-great land which do not have a village hall, the app will give you a pointer towards the nearest local orgy. Up to and including any dalliance taking place on municipal premises, or behind a large hedge.

All in all then this is – I feel – one of the apps, along with the new Android version of SheepMate, which will be very useful to the orgyist. Especially one, who – for whatever reason – finds themselves in a strange place and in need of the familiar comforts of a local orgy. This app enables them to proceed without having to waste most of the evening in fruitless enquiries that leave them bereft of the friendly companionship they desire.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Pride of Little Frigging

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There was a time – of course – when Grand-Uncle Stagnant was the pride of Little Frigging. It was a time long ago now. It was a time lost in the mists of Grand-Uncle Stagnant’s memory. Unfortunately, it is a memory, which over the years has become something of a hit-and-miss affair. Especially when trying to recall the affairs of his youth.

These days he sometimes even has trouble remembering the names of whichever brace of dairymaids have volunteered to get him up in the mornings. Although, as Grand-Uncle Stagnant often points out, he – even at his rather advanced age – still has no trouble getting up in the morning. It is a feat which – no doubt – accounts for the alacrity with which the dairymaids volunteer to assist him in the mornings. All of them know that he will give them something well-worth remembering. Especially over the next few days as they stumble out to bring in the cows for their early morning milking.

In days gone by, many a man would be more than grateful for the deft fingerings of the dairymaids as they helped him arise first thing in the mornings. A dairymaid experienced in hand-milking a herd of cows can soon, with a few deft manoeuvrings of her digits, get a man to rise to the peak of his ability. No matter how well-refreshed he was the previous evening.

It is this early morning manipulation of his aged extremities by the dairymaids that Grand-Uncle Stagnant insists is responsible for his sprightliness, even at his advanced age. Unfortunately, no-one knows Grand-Uncle Stagnant’s exact age. It is a number that has defeated the mathematical abilities of some of the greatest computational devices in the modern world to calculate, at least using normal mathematical procedures.

Those of us too who have felt the welcoming hands of the dairymaids upon us in our hour of need would – I’m sure – be more than willing to attest to their remarkable reinvigorating powers. We all hope they continue to pass down the secrets of their calling to future generations of dairymaids. Even though in these days of mechanical milking machines, their abilities are no longer needed for their original purposes – or – in more specialised costal milking sheds – their original porpoises.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Perversion for the Beginner

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Providing that spring cabbage is in season, there is no reason why you shouldn't introduce one to help liven up a sex life that has become run-of-the-mill or mundane. However, we would suggest you reserve the use of the turnip for when the two (or more) of you have become used to becoming sexually aroused while in the near vicinity of vegetables. This is of Particular importance if you are in a supermarket or greengrocers at the time. However, as most Farmers' Markets take place in a rural, or semi-rural, setting you are more than welcome to grab a feel of a courgette from a farmer's market stall. Those of a curious bent are also welcome to take a firm grasp of the farmer's plums, should you so wish.

However, you should exercise extreme caution when approaching a putative perverting partner with the accordion for the first time. Especially if you are incautious with the accordion's bellows mechanism near any exposed extremities. However, the flippers and bobble hat make an ideal introduction to perversion, especially if the lady (or ladies) involved are capable of knitting their own bobble hats and fetish leg warmers in readiness for the occasion.

The neophyte perverteer should practise caution when approaching a man or woman in uniform. Sometimes these may not be wearing the uniform as a form of sexual arousal, but as part of their day job. So – except for structural engineers and geography teachers, of course – always make discreet enquires about their line of work before attempting to - say – place a mackerel fillet on their inner thigh.

Apart from that always carry a bottle of freshly-ground badger spleen oil and disport your sex spatulas (in the 'ready' position, of course) and go out there and be as perverse as you like (except on Tuesday mornings, obviously).