Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Advice to a Young Gentleman

Strange as it may seem to some young gentlemen, slapping your manhood down into her breakfast porridge is not the ideal way to endear yourself to that special lady in your life… or the wife, for that matter.

Oddly enough, despite her claim that ‘you never give me any gifts’, she will also look on somewhat askance if you offer her a half-pound bag of Brussels sprouts filched from a nearby allotment. As for you offer of a pearl necklace, you must have realised that was a mistake long before your bruises faded. Despite women claiming to like flowers, not many will allow you any free-range access to the contents of their underwear in return for a handful of dandelions, or even a few withered daisies from next-door’s lawn.

Offering to buy a lady a drink is always a good move. However, some caution is advised whenever attempting such a course of action with any member of the Little Frigging Ladies Knitting and Wine Appreciation Circle. Most bank managers will refuse a loan for the amount necessary to quench the thirst of one of these ladies. By the time she pronounces herself ‘in the mood’ you will have – unless you have a more robust constitution than average – spent several hours under the table and have lost the use of your legs.

All in all, then, pleasing the ladies is not as easy as a young man would wish. Even those of us who have spent some time learning the ways of this strange creature still sometimes don’t always get it right, and can show you the scars and bruises to prove it.

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